This made me laugh

Posted: February 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

I saw an article about footballer Ashley Cole and his wife Cheryl’s marital problems on the front of the Sun this morning.

Ashley cheated on her with some woman, and if I recall correctly (I don’t keep up with the lives of chav celebrities much) this wasn’t the first time.

What made me laugh was this: “Seething Cheryl Cole has slapped cheating hubby Ashley with a six-month sex ban”. Yes, her response to his cheating is to not have sex with him for six months, in order to fix their marriage. Fucking genius.

People really need to wake up. This is the 21st century. Sex and romance are no longer mysterious and spiritual things; evolutionary psychology has peeled away the layers of mystique so all that is now left is the cold hard truth. Seeing as sex and love are two very important things in people’s lives it really amazes me that this knowledge has not penetrated that more deeply into society’s conciousness.

I guess the truth is that people don’t really like the truth when it comes down to it. I’ve come to realise that if you want to annoy someone, then tell them a nasty little lie. If you want to upset them to the point that they never speak to you again, then tell them the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So what’s the truth in this situation? Well, dear reader, let me break it down for you.

Women are attracted to men with high status. Status can manifest itself in a number of different ways. Here are some of the main ones:

1. Being a leader of men
2. Being wealthy
3. Being part of a large social group / many social groups
4. Fame, either in terms of being a celebrity or to a lesser extent just being that bloke that seems to know everyone in the bar

How many women want a man and how easily a man can bed the women that want him is directly related to how highly he scores in each of the above categories. Think of a shy, introverted guy. He may be the nicest guy in the world, but he never gets laid. This always seems to confound men, so let’s do a status test on Mr. Nice Guy(tm) introvert to see how he stacks up in the ways which really count in the mating game:

1. Leader of men: No. If you’re shy, how can you hope to be a leader?
2. Being wealthy: Maybe, maybe not.
3. Being part of a large social group: No, introverts aren’t sociable.
4. Fame: A shy guy is hardly the type of person that everyone knows.

This shows us that unless the nice but shy guy is rich, his dating market value is basically 0.

“But you said he was nice!”, I hear you cry. “Doesn’t that count for anything”? No. Not when it comes to selecting a mate. This may be important when a girl chooses to be friends with a guy, but choosing a lover is different. When it comes to mate selection, a high value guy, regardless of whether his nice or not beats a low value guy who’s the nicest man you could meet. This is why gangsters get lots of women despite not being in anyway nice. They are leaders of men, wealthy and often quite famous. ‘Nice’ just isn’t a factor either way when choosing who people fuck. If you guys want to bitch about this, let me point out your hypocrisy: Would you rather bang the fat 4 who’s the nicest girl in the world or the HB10 who’s a bit of a bitch? Hmm. Now let that sink in and shut the fuck up.

So back to Ashley Cole. How does he stack up:

1. Leader of men: Footballer supporters are like huge tribes with the club’s top players being their ‘leaders’. He scores basically 100% on this one.
2. Being wealthy: I’m not sure how much he earns exactly, but it’s in the millions per year. He’ll be in the top 0.001% of the population in terms of wealth for sure. I’d say he scores around 99% here. He probably can’t afford a private jet like a billionaire, but he’s rich enough to impress most people.
3. Being part of a large social group: This guy gets invited to top celebrity parties all of the time. 100%.
4. Fame: He’s one of the most famous people in the UK. If he went to a country where football isn’t a big deal (i.e. the US) he wouldn’t stack up as well. In the UK the only people who beat him on this would be top US film stars, say Tom Cruise. When playing on home turf I’m going to say 100%.

So Ashley Cole has a mate value of close to 100%. This makes him one of the most desirable men in the country. He can have almost any women he wants, and often has to put in little effort to get her. With this established, let’s look at the second part of the equation. This is what science (and common fucking sense) shows us are the optimal mating strategies.

Women can only produce one baby per 9 month period (excluding twins, triplets). In contrast to this men can theoretically sire hundreds of babies per year. Given this the optimal mating strategy for men and women is very different. Women need to be selective about who they sleep with, so when they make a commitment to spend 9 months pregnant during which time they can’t have any other kids, they know that the child comes from good genetic stock. In other words it is important for women to go for quality over quantity when it comes to choosing their lovers. On the other hand, since men can reproduce so often it makes sense for them to go for quantity over quality of mate. If you have 100 children born to a low quality mate there’s still more chance of one of them surviving than the chance of one child born to a high quality mate. Also mating with as many partners as possible means the man’s offspring will have as much genetic variety as possible, increasing the chances of hitting upon a combination of genes which are good for survival.

tl;dr: Due to the differences in the way men and women reproduce, men are hard wired for polygamy, women for monogamy.

So with Ashley Coal we have a naturally polygamous man who can have nearly any women he wants with ease. The only possible way his wife could have of controlling his natural urge to sleep with as many women as possible is to fuck him so often his prostrate hurts. Instead she bans him from having sex with her. For six months. Now you can see why this made me laugh.

  1. pitnicker says:

    You write: “women [are hard wired] for monogamy.”

    The correct term is “hypergamy”

    For an explanation see

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