Archive for March, 2010

Earlier this month I posted my PUA goals for March. In short I did not reach all my goals, and I’m very disappointed in myself for not doing this. I could probably pull half a dozen excuses out of my ass to explain why I haven’t met my goals, but at the end of the day there are two reasons only: I have been too lazy when it has come to reading up on game, and I have been too faint hearted in the field. So my main plan for April is to stop being so fucking lazy and grow a pair of balls.

So here are the goals I had, and how I got on with each of them:

  1. 40 openers: 27 achieved. This is pretty piss poor. I haven’t overcome my approach anxiety as much as I thought I had.
  2. 10 situational openers: 10 achieved. Found this fairly easy, but I did find it hard to keep the conversation alive after using a situational opener. Maybe I need to come up with situational openers which naturally allow for more conversation to flow freely from them.
  3. 10 negs: 6 achieved. Ah, the art of insulting a girl without using an insult. This is a tough one. I have also noticed negs shouldn’t be used on every girl. They should only be used on the really good looking ones (9/10s) who have a high opinion of themselves. Negging a girl who isn’t that confident, even if it’s a fairly subtle neg can knock her confidence and blow out the set.
  4. 5 5 minute sets: 5 achieved. It was good to go deeper into some sets, though 5 minutes still isn’t really enough to make much of a connection with the girl. Still, driving a conversation after a cold approach is a skill, and it’s good I got in some time working on it.
  5. 5 10 minutes sets: 3 achived. I really wanted to nail this goal. I’m still prematurely ejecting from sets. I think the main reason I didn’t get more sets that ran for 5 minutes to run for 10 minutes, is because in a 2 set not giving both girls enough attention is deadly. The neglected girl will often break up the set within a minute of feeling neglected, by dragging her friend a way. This is where wingmen are supposed to come in…
  6. 5 FTCs: 4 achieved. These are actually quite easy to do, so I should be doing more of these. Still need to master the art of the I’m-just-about-to-walk-off body rock.
  7. 10 DHVs: 2 achieved. These are hard, but important as it is DHVing, in concert with subtely ignoring / disqualifying the target which builds attraction. Untill you build attraction, you are basically just chatting to a girl. I really need to read up on ways to DHV.

So dear reader, there you have it. A list of my recent successes and failures. Today I will prepare next month’s goals. I’ll let you know what they are. It increasingly becomes clear to me that this will be a long and hard journey, but I am still determined to make it to my desired destination.

Happy sarging.

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There are many canned openers out there:

  • Asking a female opinion on what to call a 3 legged cat
  • Who’s more vain, guys or girls?
  • Is kissing cheating?

They can all be delivered in 30 seconds or less and are very easy to learn.  So the budding PUA learns around 3 of these, and eagerly ventures into the field to test them out. If his body language, facial expressions and voice tonality are all correct, and on top of this he uses false time constraints he should get a good reaction from the set over 50% of the time (I get good reactions maybe 25% of the time… I need to work on my “I’m just about to walk off body language”, smile, and on speaking louder. Having to repeat an opener kills it).

So you open, giving it your best smile, making lots of eye contact, all the while looking like you’re just asking the question before walking off to rejoin you’re friends, and the set is all smiles and listens to what you are saying. If you use an opinion opener, like those listed above, then this may generate one minute of discussion from the set. So the question is: then what?

This has been my biggest problem recently. At first I just needed to overcome approach anxiety, so I’d open a lot of sets, but then eject after the opener. This meant that I never knew what to do after opening. This sounds a bit lame, as in, “This dude doesn’t even know how to have a conversation!”. This is not quite fair. While I wouldn’t say I’m fully socially adept yet, neither am I socially inept. The truth is that the conversation that follows after opening a set of girls isn’t like most other conversations you’ll have in day to day life. The reasons are as follows:

  • If the conversation doesn’t flow easily, the girls will quickly start to wish you’d leave them alone
  • You will be speaking to people who you don’t know anything about, in contrast to the people you speak to in day to day life who you’ll usually have something in common with
  • The 90/10 rule:   you’ll usually have to put 90% of the effort into keeping the conversation going in the early stages of a set

All these points make conversation after opening a set harder than it would be in most other circumstances.

After opening you need to start building attraction. This means flipping enough of the little attraction switches in her girl brain until a big light goes on in there, and boom she wants you. I believe this is quite a difficult skill. If it wasn’t, then many more people would get laid much more often just by cold approaching and chatting for a bit. So here I have a dilema. I need to go deeper into sets, in other words, have sets which last longer. In order to do this I should be saying things to the girl which will build her attraction for me. Thing is this will take a long time to master, and at the moment this leaves me nothing to say after opening.

I have found the solution to be to ignore building attraction for now. It’s unlikely that I’m going to get many women into bed at such an early stage in my PUA ‘career’ anyway. So for now I will just go deeper into set by just ‘fluffing’ with the girl. ‘Fluffing’ is basically making small talk with a woman. It is far easier than building attraction, and doing this will allow me to get comfortable with going deeper into sets, and will help me get rid of that feeling of, “I bet she just wants me to fuck off” that often builds as I talk to girls for longer and longer.

When making small talk after opening, I’ll often pick up on something the girl said and run with that. This can sometimes be hard, so for each of my set openers I have a list of a few possible follow ups. These are all written down on my iPhone for easy reference. As an example, I’ll show you what I have written for the 3 legged cat opener:

Hi girls, I’ve got to find my friends, but can I just quickly get a female opinion on something first? My cousin’s an animal lover and she recently got a cat that was born with only 3 legs. My friends and I were talking about this and coming up with possible names for a 3 legged cat. If you had a 3 legged cat, what would you call it?

After the opener, I have the following reminders which could be used to create new conversational threads. On my phone I just have quick bullet points to remind me (I will typically read through these while on the tube on my way to a bar), but here I have also included an explanation for each point:

  • Hop along, tripod: These are the names I will say that my friends suggested for the cat
  • Are women kinder than men?: The names proposed by my male friends were kind of cruel, wanted to see if women were kinder can came up with nicer names
  • Would you ever have a 3 legged cat? If they say no, you can get them to qualify themselves by telling them that they are superficial
  • Any unusual pets?: Ask them if they’ve ever had any unusual pets. This could lead to an easy transition to getting them to talk about their childhood, and this is a springboard to more advanced techniques used to build attraction, like eliciting values
  • My goldfish when I was young: funny little story about my goldfish dying, floating to the top of the tank and me trying to convince my dad that it was like that because it was just sleeping. Again able to transition to talking about childhood
  • Wanted a Vietnamese pot bellied pig: I really wanted one of these when I was young, but my dad wouldn’t let me get one. This can be used to transition into asking her what she has wanted but never been able to get, again eliciting values.

In addition to this, I am also starting to work on a DHV (protector of loved ones) story about how I nearly died in order to let my little sister stroke. Sound’s crazy, but this one’s actually true. I’ve told it before, but without emphasis on the aspects which make it a DHV. It’s also quite funny, but with a hint of peril and fear, so it should be a good one to rouse emotions in my target.

Don’t get me wrong, not everything has to be scripted. If something interesting comes up when speaking to the set, feel free to take that ball and run with it. That said, if you’re like me and often struggle to keep a set alive after opening, do what I did. Note down a few possible conversational threads which seem natural to transition to. An important point to note is that these should not all be questions for them to answer. You must have stories or anacdotes of your own (real or imagined) which you can use to bring accross your personality to them. This also prevents the situation from feeling like they are sat in a job interview. I haven’t heard of many women who find being interviewed for a job sexy.

My PUA goals for March

Posted: March 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

I’ve now set my monthly goals for March. I’m a bit late blogging about this and I’ve already been out in the field achieving some of these.

My methodology for setting goals is to identify what is currently holding back my progression, and then to create a set of goals which will help me overcome this. When setting last months goals I was very aware that approach anxiety was holding me back. To overcome this, all my goals were based around simply approaching.

I’m now at the stage where the approach isn’t too daunting. My problem now is premature ejeculation. Re read those words. I did say ejeculation not ejaculation. I’m just ending sets way too early. My average time in a set is maybe like one to two minutes, which to be blunt is fucking pathetic.

The way I see it, there are two things holding me back from staying in set longer:

  1. A lack of conversational skills
  2. A lack of confidence

Lack of conversational skills

When I’m talking to someone I know, or even someone I’ve just met who is male and I seem to have a few things in common with, then I can talk and talk and talk. Also, if I approach a woman and she contributes at least 40% of the conversation, again I can comfortably converse quite freely. My problem occurs when I cold approach a girl and have to put more than 60% of the effort into keeping the conversation going.

There are various techniques one can use to keep a conversation going, and I will be studying these in the coming weeks in order to overcome this problem.

Confidence (or rather lack of it) does not stop being a problem after you’ve mastered the approach. When talking to a set, after a minute or two I start think that I must be overstaying my welcome. This as much as running out of things to say is what prompts me to end the set. I really think this problem is all in my head. I very rarely get negative body language from girls when in set, and when I do I pick up on it quickly. This leads me to believe I could easily stay in set longer. In addition to this I really have to get over caring whether I’m annoying the girls in set by talking to them. I know that may sound bad to some of you, but true confidence comes to a certain extent from ignorance and a carless attitude. I need more of a “Make the ho say no” attitude.

As I first learn to spend more time in set, I will just be making small talk. In the PUA community this is known as fluffing. You will all have fluffed at some time in your life. It’s the standard “Where are you from?”, “What do you do for a living” type conversation. This is the only type of conversation AFCs typically engage in with women. Fluffing won’t get me the fclose, but I’m going to have to do this so I can get used to going deeper into sets.

The art of conversation is a skill, and one I intend to read up on. I purchased ‘How to talk to anyone‘ a while back, and I’m going to be reading that this month. In addition I have heard of many little tricks to keep a conversation going, and I’ll soon write a post about these, and which ones work well in the field. For now I just need to get out there an practice these skills.

Lack of confidence

Although my confidence grew significantly last month, it is still lacking. I thought all the anxiety would be gone from my game once I got over approach anxiety, but I was wrong. I have found that once I have opened and spent maybe a couple of minutes chatting, I become anxious that I have over stayed my welcome. Just like when I used to be sure a woman would tell me to fuck off when approaching, I think they’ll tell me to fuck off if I talk to them for more than a few minutes.

As with the approach anxiety, I think the only way to solve this is to practice repeatedly going deeper and deaper into sets. Just like with approach anxiety, exposure is the way to cure this one. Another approach is to just talk until the girl(s) make their excuses and leave. When you do this you know you haven’t let yourself down by ejecting prematurely.

March’s PUA goals

My goals for this month have been created to help me overcome these obstacles. They are as follows:

  1. 40 approaches – Less than last month, because I think the law of diminishing returns will set in if I just aim to open lots of sets. I also want to improve the quality rather than quantity of my sets.
  2. 10 situational openers – Situational openers are openers that apply only in a given situation, and make no sense in another context. They are generally thought up spontaneously, and so help with your conversational skills because you are required to think on your feet to come up with something interesting to say.
  3. 10 negs – Getting a neg just right, so it lowers the targets self esteem a little, while not coming off as an insult requires caureful calibration which can only be obtained in the field. Negging girls also takes balls because it is such a break from the beta mindset of putting women on a pedistall, so this will help to increase my confidence.
  4. 10 DHVs – Displays of Higher Value are how you build attraction. I have to start doing this if I am ever to fclose.
  5. 5 FTCs – False Time Constraints are used when opening a set to relax the girls by making them think you aren’t going to be hanging around to chat for long. See my post on lessons learned last month to see why I think these are effective.
  6. 5 x 5 minute sets – Simply put, I must stay in set for at least 5 minutes.
  7. 5 x 10 minute sets – Same as above, but a minimum of 10 minutes in set.

Much more complicated than last month, but then there’s much more to think about now than just approaching. The most important goals are probably the 5 and 10 minute sets. These will get me used to staying in set longer which is my main road block at the moment. 10 minutes may not sound like long, but I think if you can stay in set for 10 minutes, then you can stay in for any length of time.

I’ll let you know how I got on at the end of the month.

Edit: See how I got on

Last month I realised that approach anxiety was my sticking point, and so set myself the goal of opening 50 sets in February. Due to a few cases of poor sarging planning and improper venue selection, I nearly missed my target. It was tough going, and there were many nervous approaches on my part but I made it in the end. An important point to note is that the fact that I set myself a goal was many times the only thing that drove me to get out in the field and sarge. Goal setting is important, do it.

So, did I cure my approach anxiety? Yes and no. I am still slightly apprehensive about approaching women, but this has massively improved. I no longer get full on stomach churn when approaching, and as a result I am much calmer when in set. An important thing to note about approach anxiety is that is is hard wired, and as such never fully disappears. You just learn to cope with it.

All in all my social confidence has gone up hugely in the past month. I’m not going to talk crap to you and tell you I’m a new man already, but my surge of confidence means I’m certainly making big, positive changes to myself. I feel a step closer on my journey to becoming a true PUA, but it’s going to take time.

I know that there are lots of you out there who are currently being held back by approach anxiety, so I thought I’d share with you what I learned this month, as it may hope you to overcome it:

  • As I suspected, the main thing you can do to overcome approach anxiety is to repeatedly open sets until it goes away. No matter how nervous you are to start with eventually you will get used to it. Just like your body, your psyche seems to be driven to achieve homoeostasis, so over time you learn to ignore the anxiety.
  • Having a set of openers that you feel comfortable saying really helps. I found some of the standard Mystery Method openers (“I just need a female opinion on something…”) felt a bit odd, so I went with some openers which seemed a bit more natural. For example, asking what time the bar you are in gets busy, or if there are any good clubs in the area. If you are to approach many women, you must have a prepared opener which you feel comfortable saying. Many people say that what you open with really isn’t that important . This is true for the more advanced PUA, but what people that say this fail to realise is that one of the biggest things stopping a novice PUA from making an approach is that he doesn’t know what to say to the set. Fail to prepare some openers, dear reader, and you are going to fail to successfully open.
  • The reactions you will get from women are much better than you might expect if you’re not used to opening. Once you realise that nothing bad will happen when you open a set this gives you a lot more confidence. The worst that has happened to me over the course of 50 approaches is being asked ever so nicely to leave them alone, and the odd funny look. These ‘bad’ reactions happened on only a small percentage (maybe 15%) of all approaches.
  • Do listen to what the girls in the set have to say. It’s easy to focus so much on your opener, body language and eye contact that you actually completely ignore almost every word the girl says. The girls pick up on the fact that you’re not really listening, and this makes them uncomfortable. Also everything they say is a possible springboard to further conversation. Not listening is wasteful.
  • The Mystery Method recommends the use of false time constraints (FTC) when opening. An FTC is where through either words or body language, you, while opening, make the set believe you are just about to walk off. This stops you looking needy, obscures your objective (picking up the target ) from the set and makes the set feel more comfortable because they aren’t worried your going to be hanging around them for ages and boring them. FTCs seem very powerful to me, and this is despite the fact I never a actually used an FTC. So why do I think FTCs work when I haven’t used then? I occasional accidently used time constraints when opening. This would typicaly be when I was leaving a bar, or moving to a different area of the club and decided to spontaneously open a set on my way. I was never intending to stand around and chat with them. Just a quick opener then I was off. Almost every time I did this I got great reactions from the set. Like lots of big smiles, trying to re engage me in conversation as I walked off, and some times even one of the girls grabbing my arm to get my attention as I walked off. These sets did not feel like I was trying to pick them up. I was just the fun guy that has little chats with everyone. This made them want to talk to me. There was no, “FFS, another random guy trying to hit on us” bitch shield to try and circumvent with these sets. FTCs are an attempt to artificially recreate what I did naturally on these occasions.  Do use FTCs. I’ve noticed that many aPUS don’t bother with them, but I’m sure that your sets will open more easily with them. The opening line itself may not matter, but the first impression you give sure as hell does.

One thing I did find, is that because I was purely focused on opening, not intending to do any follow through, I did prematurely bail on quite a few sets. With almost half the sets I opened the girls would have been quite happy for me to hang around and chat longer. Around a third of sets actually seemed to actively want me to stay and chat to them after I started to leave. Some of these sets tried to re-initiate conversation as I was leaving. I usually gave them the brush off, and ignored any IOIs I was given. This was the one disadvantage of single mindedly focusing on opening. I could have taken many of the sets I opened much further if I hadn’t lost interest in them as soon as I’d added another notch to my opening bed post.

I think the graduated, one step at a time approach I have decided to take might occasionally slow my progress down artificially. Despite this, I think learning game will take a long time anyway, and in the long term I fell that this controlled pace of learning will lead to a greater mastery of the game.

So for now it’s back to the books. I have put some of what I learned in the field into practice, now it’s time to do some reading, study up on the theory and decide where I want to go from here. Once I’ve worked out what the next step is, I will be able to set this months goals such that completing them will help me get there.

In my next post I’ll let you know what March’s goals are.

Edit: March’s goals online