Lead and be non-needy

Posted: June 24, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Leading in a PUA sense is when you, as the man, take the lead in the relationship and the girl follows you. Good examples are deciding on the venue for a date rather than asking her or maybe taking her by the hand in the club and leading her to the dance floor. Leading allows the pick up artist to establish the correct male/female dynamic in an interaction with a woman. It allows the woman to not have to make too many decisions, as she feels she can entrust them to you. She feels safe with you because you are a man with a plan. She can relax and be feminine, surrounded by your masculine presence. For these reasons leading is a very attractive thing for a man to do.

In this day and age many men don’t even realize they should be leading. This is why the modern man is so often unattractive to women. I have had dates tell me they loved how I sorted out all the details and logistics of a date, and all they had to do was turn up at the date / time specified. They said this stood out in stark contrast to guys who had turned up to dates and asked them where they thought they should go.

On the other hand there is neediness. This is when a guy is obviously very invested in a woman and needs her company and positive reactions to be happy. A typical symton of this is following a girl around in a club like a puppy dog after opening her went well. Neediness is an attraction killer. It will kill attraction stone dead very fast in a girl you’ve just met. Girls like guys who are non needy to the point where they could walk away at any time if they don’t like what’s going on. It’s a sign that the guy values himself more than he values some girl he’s just met.

Although I do still feel I should be opening more sets, it is these two things that are my main sticking points at the moment. A recent set I had in a London nightclub serves as a practical illustration of where I’m going wrong.

I’m in the club’s smoking area with a wing. We’ve just come out of a set I’d opened which we’d been in for the best part of an hour, in which he closed a Cameron Diaz (but with a bigger nose) look a like, and now I’m chilling out having a smoke. I spot HBNerdyGlasses standing alone smoking. She’s a 7 but dressed really casually. She looks at me and I hold her gaze and smile. A minute later, she looks again. This time I eye fuck her a little, and she looks away smiling.

It hasn’t even entered my mind to approach her. I still haven’t internalized that I’m the kind of guy that approaches women he wants to fuck as soon as he sees them. My self image isn’t quite there yet, so the approach is not yet instinctual for me like it is for some people. My wing notices the eye game I’ve been playing.

“Approach her”

“Nah, I…”

“Approach her or I’m going to hurt you”

This makes me laugh and I go over and open using my standard opener (just saying hello and introducing myself). Given the approach invitation she obviously opens easily and hooks well. We banter for 10 minutes and my wing leaves. She’s from Poland, visiting the country with a  friend. She just got in today and is here for 5 days. A girl on holiday, prime for the fucking methinks. I get some pretty solid IOIs from her, and decide it’s time to escalate. I think the dance floor is more appropriate, so I tell her to come dance with me. She says she needs the loo and another drink first as we head back inside.

So I’ve opened and got attraction fairly effortlessly, but now it pretty much goes downhill from here. She goes to the toilet in the lobby. I think that since I’m only 10 minutes into the set, I need to stick with her so I don’t lose her. As I stand there waiting something feels wrong. My masculinity is slowly ebbing away since I’m now, by waiting for her, both letting her lead me and showing neediness.

She comes out of the toilet and we go to the bar. We have drinks, and she gets very close to me, pressing her tits against me. At this point I really should have escalated, and maybe gone for the kiss close, but I’m not in the habit of doing this yet. This has got to change, I need to get more used to escalating when the time is right. I was focused on getting her on the dance floor to escalate, but that shouldn’t be necessary.

I try and get her on the dance floor. She says she wants to smoke again first. I lead her by the hand to the smoking area. Note, that although I’m physically leading her through the club, she is effectively taking the lead, as she is deciding what to do.

In the smoking area she ups the IOIs, touching my chest and dropping hints about the face I live alone and live not far from the club. I’m feeling good about the set, and am thinking about the logistics on an SNL. Since she’s only here for 5 days I figure she’s looking for a ONS, not a LTR.  Maybe I was jumping the gun a bit, but it’s better to be overly optimistic about these things than to lean towards pessimism. She invites me to go with her and her friend to Kew Gardens the following morning.

I lead her back into the club. I go to the loo and she goes to her friends rather than waiting for me. I go and find her, and it feels like I’m following her around. I try for the dance floor again. She wants another drink. I chat to her and her friends. I take her friends mobile number (HBNerdyGlasses doesn’t have a UK mobile).

She seems to get bored and pays me less and less attention. She asks me where my friends have got to. This seems like a hint to leave her, but I tell myself that thinking this way is just me being pessimistic. She pays me less and less attention to the point where I just feel like a little puppy hanging around her. I have failed to take the lead, and now am displaying neediness because I desperately want the SNL. I realize I should have ejected soon after getting the number. I walk off to find my wings.

In retrospect, I would have not waited for her when she went to the toilet. I would have risked not seeing her again later. I also would have ejected soon after getting her number when she repeatedly failed to let me lead her.

In future I will walk away from any set rather than show neediness, and will eject if I can’t take the lead enough. If I haven’t closed I can always reopen later. I will also reduce my sets to around 30 – 40 minutes in length rather than an hour. I will eject while the girl is on a high, leaving her wanting more. This allows the girl to have fun with her friends, and stops me coming across as needy.

It will also allow me to get 2 maybe even 3 fairly solid numbers a night. If I can consistently get around 5 numbers like this a week from bar game, I’ll soon have more day2s than I can handle. When that happens I’ll start moving into abundance, which makes everything easier. I’m going to hold of chasing SNLs for now, as it’s causing me to follow the girl around expectantly too much. My only concern is ejecting to soon due to playing it too cool. I’ve done this in the past and it kills my results.

———————————————
Stats since 1st June:
17 approaches
2 number closes
1 kiss close
0 f closes

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Comments
  1. Jim says:

    I think ‘leading’ is a classic case of wanna be pick up guys on the internet taking a symptom of a problem, treating it as a problem itself, trying to directly treat the symptom, and achieving close to fuck all in the process.

    With any girl you meet in a bar, street, or online, this girl will either have a social life that is better than, equal to, or worse than your own. The real problem is that the girl has a slightly better social life than the guy that has approached her.

    I don’t know if what I am saying is making sense. I can clearly articulate it right now…

    I think this is also complicated by the separate problem of guys having a girl ready to kiss/leave with them, but not pulling the trigger…

  2. Jim says:

    The point I was trying to make was that when you have an equal or slightly better social life than the girl, you tend to naturally lead her. For example after meeting a girl in the social area you will want to take her to the bar with you and get another drink with your friends, you will want to go and dance with your friends, you’ll want to go to another bar or club with your friends… you see where this is going.

    You’d never take this girl over to say hi to your ‘wings’. Because you wings aren’t having that much fun. And if your girl did start talking to them she’d realize that they didn’t have as a good a social life as she and her mates do. This is often referred to as ‘value’ on pickup boards. But I think the term value is too ambiguous. What the girl is really unconciously asking herself is “Will I have a more fun life hanging out with this guy?”. It doesn’t matter if she will be hanging out for 2 weeks or 2 years. She ubconciously will get a feeling about to that question.

    I think you could describe ‘leading’ as having fun things to do. And it is pretty hard to fake this.

    • betatopua says:

      If you wouldn’t want to introduce a girl to your wings when you’re out, then you’re with the wrong wings.

      • Jim says:

        Yes, that is true. Although I was down in Brighton so I had less choice of wings.

        One of my wings was alright in terms of coolness, but after a bit of approaching he got what he wanted and stopped coming out.

  3. Jim says:

    Last sentance of the second paragraph was meant to read “She will subconciously get a feeling about the answer to that question”.

  4. Jim says:

    Fuck sake, could you change ‘social area’ to ‘smoking area’ (third line first paragraph). I think I need to get more sleep…

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