The bad night trap

Posted: June 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

I just got back from a sarging session in a central London club about a while ago, and I just wanted to get my thoughts into words while it’s all still fresh in my mind.

I’ve been doing OK in bar / club game lately in that I’ve started to number close with some regularity, despite opening very few sets. I feel a lot more comfortable and confident opening, hooking and building attraction then going for a number close than I ever have before. My confidence with women in a bar or club was at an all time high, so when I entered the club tonight I thought the night would go well.

I open my first set with absolutely no AA. It’s a seated 5 set of orientals, so not ideal. I’m not attracted to any of them, but I think it’ll be a good warm up. The set doesn’t hook. I make a half arsed attempt at ploughing through, but soon eject. Since I don’t fancy any of them I just can’t be bothered to try hard for the hook.

A bit later at the bar I open a girl. She seems moderately into it, but it doesn’t quite hook. Looking back I could have maybe put some more effort in and hooked, but the logistics were bad; she was just about to collect her drinks. This is a bullshit excuse though, always push each set to its limit. You don’t know how far you can go till you try.

Next a wing opens a large group by the dance floor. One of the girls randomly grabs me for a photo. I try to talk to her and she blanks me. Probably not intentional, the music was loud and she was hyper, but it felt bad. I saw the photo that was taken, and it was a piss take. It was her pulling a yuck face as she posed with me. Obviously just a girlie joke, and I wouldn’t usually let it effect me, but for some reason that night it pissed me off.

And then it happened. Failing to hook two sets, then her blanking me. I decided I was having a ‘Bad Night’.

I’m sure you guys have all experienced this too. Things just aren’t working out how you thought they would, and you suddenly decide your having a bad night. As soon as the words, “I’m having a bad night” enter your head, you’re basically fucked. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You decided you’re going to get blown out before you even open sets, so you either go in with low confidence, and so do get blown out, or you just don’t open.

I only opened one other set tonight, and it was an instant blow out. Like I said, I was having a bad night.

The truth is there really isn’t such a thing as a bad night. Each set is completely independent of each other. Failing to hook 5 sets in a row doesn’t mean you won’t hook the sixth. The previous blow outs in no way effect the next set, unless you let them. Unless you decide you’re having a bad night. The key is to not take validation from the way each set reacts to you. I’ve just discovered that seeking validation from girls is a big issue for me, and so that will get it’s own post soon.

A big problem I had tonight was my self image. Instead of having negative self image, my self image was actually too positive. I for some reason went into the club tonight thinking of myself as a guy who could effortlessly hook sets, and who doesn’t get ignored by girls because he has a great commanding presence about him. I had forgotten how much I’d sometimes have to plough to get sets to open, and how sometimes I went on to close even though I didn’t get a great initial reaction from the girl. This lead to me giving up too early on sets. I just felt ignored and ineffectual all night.

I have heard from a few different PUAs that when you first start to get good you can actually mindfuck yourself a bit. You start to feel good with women, but now you feel anxious because you want to repeat your best performances. You know you can open and hook like a true player, so you feel nervous about being able to live up to your previous best. Your ego will be bruised if you don’t open as well as you know you could.

I winged in another set and started getting some minor IOIs from an Indian HB9 that looked a bit like Kim Kardashian. Since Kim Kardashian is my idea of a perfect women, this is good news. The best part is that I’m not thrown at all by her beauty. Five minutes into set and things are going OK. It could still go either way. I’m getting verbal IOIs (where are you from, how old are you, asking my name again etc), but physically it doesn’t seem to be on. She resists my attempt at grabbing her hand and isn’t standing too close to me. At this point I’m guessing I have maybe a 20% (pulled this figure out of my ass, but you get the idea) chance of number closing if the set keeps going for another 15/20 minutes. Then I get cockblocked as her sister drags her off to dance. C’est la vie.

If you take one thing away from this post let it be this: The reaction of a single girl is meaningless. Keep doing after what you want, and let nothing and no one get you down.

———————————————
Stats since 1st June:
22 approaches
2 number closes
1 kiss close
0 f closes

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Comments
  1. puavault says:

    It’s “asian” my friend, not “oriental”.

  2. Jim says:

    The one thing I took away from this post is the difference between going out sarging and going out with your mates to have a good time.

    It is much easier to keep your state up when you are actually having a good night out with friends (usually including some female friends).

    But when you are just ‘going out’ with mates… it is easier to forget about approaching at all.

    • betatopua says:

      I don’t buy into the whole ‘Just have a good time’ thing. I’ve done this many times with friends in the past and it rarely got me laid. Obviously you can’t be skulking around the club in a bad mood, but you do need to be approaching. All this stuff about girls seeing you having fun with your friends so giving you IOIs from social proof seems to be largely bollocks in most clubs. I always get more attention when I go off on my own for a bit.

      Once the first few approaches are done, I tend to relax into it and have a better time.

  3. Jim says:

    Yeah. Thanks for the replies. I’m starting to think that perhaps I have been a bit too fucking miserable(due to chronic illness) to actually make objective observations. I mean that I have been objective in describing the results of myself and my mates approaching. But then girls have been put off me due to my misery. And my mates have been facing their own problems (lack of any looks, struggling at uni).

    I guess the ideal is to be able to go out with your mates, but still hit on some women throughout the night. But you’ve got the problem of still needing a warm up set or two (which can be hard to get in if you are supposed to be out with your friends).

    The other problem is if you are drinking with your friends, by the time they are all wasted and want to dance, and won’t care to much about the fact that you have left them to go off and chat to some girl, you are wasted too. And standing around early on drinking a soft drink whilst everyone else gets on the booze is no fun at all.

    Thinking long these lines perhaps my real problem that I have quite a low return rate when I open girls. And that I need to open 8 or more per night in order to have a decent chance each week. If I could get it down to only needing to do 4 approaches per night out… I might be able to jam that into a regular night out with a bit of practice.

    Maybe there is a bifurcation somewhere. If you are just average with women then you need to approach a bit more than an above average women, which is impossible to practically fit into a regular night out. So this guy has to start hanging out with random wings in order to pretty much focus on approaching sets during his nights out. Depending on how average or below average he is, he can keep this effort up for 1 month, 3 months etc. But if he could just get his results of each average approach up a bit more then it would all become effortless.

    • betatopua says:

      I remember reading an interview with Aaron Sleazey a while back and I asked him what sort of success the average man should expect to get. He said something that made a lot of sense. He said of you’re only of average attractiveness (which most men obviously are) and you want to sleep with lots of average to above averagely attractive women then you’re going to have to put in large amounts of effort in to make up for you not being highly attractive. This effort comes in the form of approaching many women.

      When you think about it this makes perfect sense and is actually quite obvious, but guys seem to miss this. Community guys work on their fashion a little and start going to the gym, sort out their body language and voice tonality. Thing is being slightly better dressed and a bit more
      confident with women than the average guy probably only pushes a guy towards the upper end of the averagely attractive range, it’s not going to be enough to make him really stand out as, say, a top 90 percentile man in terms of their attractiveness (I think the top 10% do most of the shagging).

      Making yourself extremely attractive to many women so you can get the kind of success rate that allows you to incorporate PUA into your social life (say getting 1 women in 10 or better) isn’t going to be easy or quick.

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