Reader Mailbox: Overcoming Approach Anxiety

Posted: November 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

A reader emails:

I found your blog via seddit, every one of your posts there are $$. I also read a good portion of your blog, and it’s entertaining and full of useful info. I’ll stop with the ass-kissing, but your writing style is cool as well, engaging I believe it’s called.

Enough beating around the bush,  I can relate to almost all of your blog entries, especially how you describe the way you were feeling. I am wanting to start doing the same thing you did, approaching strangers (girls) but I simply can’t get myself to actually do it. As I sit here, it seems like it will be so simple the next time I want to approach, and I truly don’t feel scared of rejection, but I just can’t get myself to do it. How did you start actually approaching?

Thanks man, I would appreciate any info.

P.s, can’t wait to hear the virgin story.

Approach anxiety is the biggest sticking point in game.

If you could come up with a weekend bootcamp that could cure all the participants 100% of their approach anxiety with lasting effect, you’d soon be making lots of money. There is no such bootcamp, because the truth is there is no set way to ‘cure’ approach anxiety. I’ve been in the game for nearly 2 year now and I have only just recently over come mine to the extent that I can do a decent number of approaches. Don’t let that put you off, many other people have done the same thing within a month or two.

The annoying thing about approach anxiety is that you really can’t properly get started in game until you can approach regularly. This is the reason I’ve been in the game so long and yet only just got results recently. To get good you need to hone your skills over the course of 1,000+ approaches. I estimate I’ve done around 300 – 400 approaches, and that’s spread over more than 20 months. That’s not enough approaches too get good and this is compounded by the fact that they’re spread over a long period of time. I should have done 1,000 – 1,5000 approaches in this time.

You may have gathered from reading the above that there is no way I can just give you a few simple tips which will help you end your approach anxiety. Not wanting to go all faux philosophical on you, but this really is a journey which each man must make alone, and which has no shortcut. Having said that, I do have some pointers which will set you on the right path. These tips involve a two pronged approach to solving the problem. One part inner game, and one part outer game. This is how most game sticking points must be handled.

Inner Game

1. Find out why you’re scared

People say that we are scared of approaching because approaching women could have led to us being murdered back in caveman times. Although this is probably true, there are generally a number of reasons that approaching scares guys, and it differs from person to person. Find out what your concerns are by listening to the negative voices in your head next time you try an approach. Some common ones are: fear of rejection, fear of looking stupid in front on on lookers, fear of showing sexual desire.

The reader says he has no fear of rejection. Either this is untrue (think about it carefully…), or he has some other fears regarding approaching. Once you have your list of fears, look for evidence that they are unfounded. For example, fear of looking foolish in front of onlookers. Watch a wing open sets and observe how no one notices, and if they do they don’t do much.

2. Don’t try and get rid of your approach anxiety

This may seem like an odd thing to say, but it’s something that helped me. The problem is that approach anxiety becomes such a big thing for guys, that ‘getting rid’ of it becomes more important to them than game itself. It doesn’t matter if they approach girls often. If they still feel AA when they approach, or if they miss the odd approach here and there because of it then it’s the main issue for them. The truth of the matter is that they are actually scared of fear itself.

Approaching girls scares them, but this fear they feel when they approach scares them more. They are scared of feeling scared, because it makes them feel like a pussy to be scared to talk to women. Wanting to get rid off AA once and for all is borne not out of a desire to be able to approach women and get laid, but rather out of a desire to no longer feel fear. David Deida mentions this in his book The Way of the Superior Man. Seeking to eliminate fear completely is the act of a coward. A real man learns to act in spite of fear. This is important because even if you overcome fear in one area of your life, if you want to progress and grow you will eventually find something that scares you again. It is therefore much better for a man to learn to handle fear, not to get rid of it. In fact, a lack of fear is a sign that your probably not pushing yourself adequately.

How does this relate to approach anxiety? Simple. Make dealing with approach anxiety your aim, rather than getting rid of it. This means as long as you are making a reasonable number of approaches, it doesn’t matter if you feel AA. All that matters is that you are approaching. Once you are getting the approaches in you can ignore AA and start to work on other aspects of your game. I’ve had day 2s, closes, lays from cold approach despite still having some AA. You don’t need to be able to approach any girl in any situation.

Outer Game

1. Beer. The cause of and solution to, all problems.

If you really can’t approach in night game, use alcohol to help you. I know many die hard PUAs will scream and shout that this is a crutch, but the truth of the matter is that if you can’t currently walk without a crutch then you need to use one. Simple. Obviously I don’t recommend getting shit faced, but a couple of drinks can make a world of difference when compared to being stone cold sober. The first time I realized that this was something I should be doing to help me approach was when I met my natural wing. Despite cold approaching girls in clubs for a decade now (with a lot of success), he still gets some AA. A couple of drinks allows him to approach with ease.

The seduction community’s attitude tends to be that the journey is more important than the destination, and therefore learning to approach sober is better than approaching after a couple of drinks and getting laid. I disagree with this, particularly when you are yet to taste your first few success. When starting out, just focus on doing what you need to in order to get laid.

2. Go for single girl sets

When Mystery started telling people that they need to approach groups of girls and win the entire group over, he made approaching a lot more difficult and nerve wracking than it used to be. It’s much easier, both in terms of how much anxiety you experience and in terms of social skills required, to approach a lone girl as opposed to a group of two or more girls. Yes, there are problems with approaching lone girls. The increased possibility of cock blocking. Being difficult to catch girls on their own when in a bar or club. Despite this, I think it’s a worthwhile thing to try if you’re having difficulty approaching groups.

Lion & gazelles

Me sarging

I like to think of it a bit like approaching Discovery Channel style. That is I am like a lion, waiting for a lone gazelle to break away from the herd so I can go in for the kill. If you’ve spent any decent amount of time in bars / clubs observing girls you want to open, you’ll notice that they aren’t alone often. This is where correct positioning within the club comes into play. To have an opportunity to open the most lone girls possible, find a spot somewhere between the girl’s toilet and the busiest bar in the club. You’ll get more lone girls passing this point than any other position in the entire club. Lie in wait, and open them when they pass. Never open them on the way to the toilet, only the way back. The set won’t hook if they really need to take a piss.

3. Don’t approach, let them approach you

No, I don’t mean wait to be opened. Simply pick a spot in the club bar (preferably a high traffic area, not a quiet corner) and plant there for 30 – 40 minutes. The bar is a good spot for this. Anyone who comes close enough to you so that you could reach out and touch them has entered your territory. Simply open any attractive girls that enter your territory. Although you open the set, because they came into your territory it feels like they came to you. If the set dies it’s for them to walk off, not you, since you were there first. This may seem like a small thing, but the fact that they ‘came to you’ rather than you walking over to them will have a huge effect on how relaxed you are in opening. This also subtly shifts the power balance in the interaction slightly in your favor, which helps. For the first 30 minutes of your night out I would recommend just opening girls like this with, “Hi” or, “Hey, hows it going”. If she gives you conversation back, go with it, otherwise just chill (she came into your area, you don’t have to leave, remember?). If the conversation naturally dies at any point, don’t fight to get it stated again, just chill. This is a really no pressure way to warm up. After you’ve said hello to a few girls who’ve entered your area, you should feel ready to push your sets further.

If you want to reach me, you can mail me at: betatopua at gmail dot com.


Stats since 1st November:
1 number closes
1 kiss closes
0 f closes

  1. socialkenny says:

    Good advice for newbies and guys who generally struggle with AA:which usually stems from inner game issues.

    Lol for a minute there,I thought you were advising to let the girls open you(which would rarely happen),but you clarified it lol.

    Good article.

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