Approach anxiety… again

Posted: January 10, 2012 in Uncategorized

Over the course of 2011 I believe I have gained all of the skills and attributes required to successfully lay girls from cold approach. I got 5 lays last year (from cold approach), and looking back I estimate that I approached 150 – 200 women (night game, not looking at day game here). This means I get laid once for every 30 – 50 approaches. Not great, but it’ll do for now.

Looking at all this information, I think that this year I will see rapidly diminishing returns on improving my seduction skills, as like I pointed out, I already have the most basic skills required. This isn’t to say I’ll stop trying to get better, I’m simply facing the fact that in order to get the dozen new notches I want this year I will have to make a certain number of approaches, and there is simply not short cut. The maths is simple. I need to do 360 – 600 approaches this year if I’m to get the number of girls I want.

I plan to average 6 nights out sarging a month, so to bang a new girl on average once a month to get my dozen I need to open 30 – 50 sets a month. I plan on going out sarging around 5 nights a month, so I need to approach 6 – 10 groups of girls on average in a night. The important thing here is ‘on average’. Some nights I may go home with the first girl I open, on other nights it might be dead so I can only open a few sets. Realistically I need to be approaching 8 – 12 girls a night on the nights I don’t meet a girl who I end up fclosing. This is the only way to get my average high enough.

From reading the title of this post you may well have guessed what the problem is with this. Approach Anxiety.

This problem has plagued me ever since my first sarging session, and has by far been my biggest roadblock in the past two years. I don’t feel sheer terror at the thought of approaching girls like I once used to, now I just feel mildly uneasy about it. It’s often more a case of I talk myself out of it (“she’s not giving you IOIs so she won’t be interested”) then get put off by the fear. This means I’m only approaching 2 – 3 girls per night on average. Last Saturday when I went out I only approached one girl. To me now, not approaching girls feels like a bad habit I can’t break more than an exercise in over coming my fear. At the moment I just feel like it’s never going to change. I just nearly always end up only making 1 or 2 approaches a night, except on rare nights once a month when I make up to 8.

I’m going to have to structure my nights better and be disciplined. 8 – 12 sets a night doesn’t sound like much, but it’s actually quite a demanding schedule.  Given that you have at best 3 good hours within which to approach (10pm to 1am), this leaves you with 3/4 approaches to make in an hour. That’s an approach on average every 15 to 20 minutes. On top of that take into account time spent buying drinks at the bar (can take up to 15 minutes in a really busy club) and then pissing out the alcohol in the toilets, and the time in sets which don’t go anywhere and it soon becomes obvious that the pace is quite tough. This is especially true  when statistically speaking you’ll be completely rejected (not even a number or a kiss) the vast majority of times you approach.

Thinking of it like this it becomes obvious that part of the reason I don’t get a good number of approaches in is because I don’t realize just how fast I need to be moving. There’s only a little time for chatting with wings, drinking and dancing. I have to get stuck in.

I think it’s just a case of getting in the habit of regularly approaching by realising my effective sarging time it limited. My only worry is that this has been a recurring issue for me for the last two years, and there doesn’t seem to be any catalyst which will suddenly trigger a change in my behaviour. Each night I go out wanting to get laid or do at least 10 approaches in the course of trying to get laid. It so rarely happens.

The only solution I can see is to sit down before each sarging session, and imagine roughly how I want the night to progress. I’ll imagine the pitfalls and negative thought process which will enter my mind at various stages, and think of ways to over come them.

I will picture myself entering the club at 20:45. There aren’t many people around. I have a pint or two as I chat to my wings. The club slowly starts to fill. By a quarter to nine there’s people on the dance floor, and the place is starting to get lively. Now’s the time to start approaching, but it’s still not full enough for the large crowds to make my approach feel more anonymous.

Most the sets are large groups at this time, not easy 2 sets or lone wolves. I tell myself to just dance for a while, wait for the place to fill up. No. This is what’s holding me back. This is a bad habit I need to shake. Take positive action. The club is my savanah and I will stalk through it like a mother fucking lion until I find a nice easy 2 set to get the ball rolling.

I know if I see one I’ll tell my self not to bother. The set won’t go anywhere, not this early in the night, it’s a wasted effort. plus they’re deep in conversation. Fuck that. This is another bad habit, a limiting belief. I open directly by introducing myself. The girls are pleasant, but after 5 minutes it’s obvious they have no sexual interest in me, so I move on. The set didn’t go anywhere but I feel a bit better now. Just a bit more on socially.

It’s 10pm now, and the dance floor is hotting up so I go to dance. I can’t help but watch the hot girls moving their bodies. Bam. Another bad habit. Eyeing up girls on the dance floor like a chode instead of approaching. No. But they’ll reject me, I think. Dance floor approaches are low percentage. Although this is true, it’s worth a shot. Better than starting. I have to get this rejection out of the way so when I find my girl for the night I can be that much smoother, a bit more fearless in my approach. I approach her to say hi, she waves me away.

I go back to my wing. We chat for a bit. It hits 22:30 and the club’s now in full swing. No more talking, I have to keep momentum. You’re the lion again. Hunt down that next set. Another easy 2 set or maybe grab a lone girl. But she’s too hot… and she’s walked by before I’ve had a chance to react. No. Get her. Find out if she’s the one. I go after her and get hit hard by the bitch shield. No matter.

I can’t rest now. It’s nearly 11pm and only 4 sets down. Only just over 2 more good hours left. Next set. The girl I want is a a 5 set. I hate sets that big. I want to find an easier set. No. They’re just girls for fucks sake. Open you’re girl, and ignore the rest unless they talk to me. I open direct and introduce myself. It seems to be going well, but I can’t quite tell. I manage to get her semi isolated from her group, leaning up against a pillar. Escalate. Fast but smooth. Move closer. She’s ok with that. Go for the hand. She lets me hold it but doesn’t exactly grab mine back. Hmmm, not repulsed but luke warm. I must take the set forward. Time’s ticking away and I want a girl who’s good to go tonight. Go for the kiss close. Rejection. I remain un-phased. Back off a bit. Talking for a bit will help me with my conversation skills. I escalate again. Rejection. She’s still talking to me and is nice enough, but not willing enough to get physical. I could take the number but I really think it’d at best lead to a time wasting LJBF day 2. Life’s too short for that and I’m a busy man. I submit to defeat in this instance and eject.

There’s almost 2 hours of prime time left. I’m for sets in and ready to go.

Just writing that out helped me identify many of the bad habits which are holding me back. I’m slipping into so many c0mfort zones, I see that now. I think this pre sarge visualization might be the way forward for me.

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Comments
  1. Jim says:

    Sounds exhausting!

    I think you’ve hit on a very good point about the window of good opportunity on a night out running from around 10pm to 1am. And doing 8-12 approaches in 3 hours is a tough ask as you say.

    Also tough is going out on the pull 5-6 nights per month. In the average month there are only 4.33 x 2 = 8.66 Friday and Saturday nights combined. So you are only having 2 and a half nights off per month. When I say off though I really mean 2.5 nights to meet up with friends, go to house parties, go travelling etc.

    You can go out on weeknights, but I’m sure you’re aware that logistics are worse on these nights (girls have work the next day) unless you live in a large uni or holiday town. Plus you need an easy job to go out on weeknights consistently.

    Most of the top guys I have seen have actually arrived at ways to warm up those approaches and tip the odds back in their favor.

  2. Socialkenny says:

    A lay out of 30-50 approaches isn’t too bad.

    You cannot go wrong nevertheless.

  3. Dan says:

    Another really great post. I identify with all those and do them in spades.

    Not sure that focussing too much on only having a finite amount of time can be too good for you: what kind of unconscious vibe were you giving 11pm girl?

    An obvious solution might be to go out a bit earlier… if you get the right venue (important) you’ll not only get more coal face time in but you’ll also be nicely warmed up by the time you arrive. If you get chatting to some reasonable prospects can even try to venue shift – hey if they don’t come who cares and even if there’re a bit lower rent than you might like then you’ve got some female wings for when you arrive at the club.

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