Inner game crisis

Posted: May 8, 2012 in Uncategorized

A mere few weeks ago I was riding high. Thanks to a mixture of online and club game I had a total of around 6 girls in my ‘orbit’ who were potentials for sex / relationships, and this isn’t including the one girl I’m currently dating. Of those 6 I’ve only managed to close 1, and it’s a no go with the rest of them. I thought I had got to the point where I wasn’t far away from ‘getting this area of my life sorted’ as many budding PUAs say they want to do, but now I feel so very far away from it.

As I think I touched on in my back to basics post, I’ve had many girls show a lot of initial interest in me early on. PUAs often say there are yes, no and maybe girls. An example of a yes girl I met was one who took my number in a club after I opened her (well, we swapped numbers at her request) and she initiated the texting first the next day. Still never got the day 3. Another was from an online girl. First date went really well. Texting after that indicated great interest. Around half way through the third date I felt her interest fade, and so wasn’t surprised that she didn’t want a third date. Yes girls are meant to be easy to get; just don’t fuck up and take the interaction forward. And yet I seem to be losing these yes girls despite being very competent at taking the interaction forward. This is worrying.

I’ve certainly got much better at outer game. Although I’ve slipped in some areas, I’m certainly not a million miles away from being competent enough in this area. This has lead to me having more initial interest and opportunities from a higher quality (both in terms of looks and personality) than I have ever done in my life, but I think I’m probably worse at sealing the deal than I have ever been in my life. I feel this is an inner game issue.

I’ve always been quite emotionally attached. I rarely, if ever, form strong bonds with anyone, and am quite emotionally aloof. I’m low energy and don’t wear my heart on my sleeve, and this makes me quite hard to read. I think in the early days of my PUA career, this was offset by the outcome dependance I had on a date. Wondering whether or not a girl liked me, and whether I was doing it right or not and whether a girl liked me or not. In PUA terms this is bad, but I did mean I was more emotionally present during a date. My nerves actually added an emotional spark to it all. As I’ve dated more and more first dates have become nothing to me. It’s just another date, I go on them all the time. The outcome dependance has disappeared a long with my nerves.

My trouble now on dates is I get an odd feeling. There’s no excitement, and it often feels on a date like I’m not even there. I often find myself on a date, talking to a girl but it’s all on auto pilot. It’s a feeling that’s really hard to put into words. It’s not so much that my mind wonders to other things, but at the same time I’m not there. I think the best way to describe it is like when you have the TV on. There’s a show on and you’re sort of watching it but not really bothered. It’s not your main focus. You’re maybe doing something else whilst it’s on so it hasn’t got your whole attention. On a logical level you know what’s going on. You’re fully aware of the plot and maybe can even guess where it’s going, but there’s no emotional investment from you. If one of the main characters dies you just don’t care. It’s not far off just being background noise. That’s just how my dates feel.

I went on a date last night, and the girl told me fairly early on she didn’t feel a connection or anything, which is fine. We were then able to talk honestly and she also mentioned she sensed this detachment in me. She pointed out that through the first 40 minutes of the date I didn’t even make eye contact with her. I realized she was right. She was sat sideways on to me and I just kept looking straight ahead. An outward manifestation of my inward detachment. The self is always coming through. Now, some people are going to tell me at this point that I shouldn’t care what girls think about me. To a large extent I agree. One girl who isn’t into you could list the reasons she doesn’t like you, and the things she mentions are identical to a girl who does like you giving you a list of things she likes about you. For example some girls fall hard for guys who are fairly detached. They chase them hard emotionally. The reason I did listen to this one girl is that some of the points she made were things that were on my mind to the point I was already planning a blog post on them before I met her. Mainly the whole emotional attachment issue. Of course some of what she said was silly (she didn’t like the fact I ask her what she looks for in a man, and that I talked about what I like in a girl. I often do this and think it’s fine).

All in all this is an issue I’ve had when interacting with other people throughout my entire life. I remember when I was 10 one of my school teachers writing in my end of term report that I was emotionally detached. She didn’t use those words but that was the general thrust of it. It sticks out in my mind because my mum went ballistic that she said that, to the point of complaining to the head teacher about it (my mum loves to complain). That’s just an indication of how far back it goes, and it’s certainly an issue that pre-dates adulthood and sexual interest in girls. It feels like part of my nature.

When I first entered PUA a realized I needed to make big changes. To tear down parts of myself and rebuild them differently. I did that to some extent, and recently had been content that I had finished doing that. It was great because I could then be happy with my personality, and didn’t need to second guess myself anymore. It’s now started to dawn on me that I need to do that again, going even deeper into the depths of my psyche this time. Imagine it like a martial art. I started of a white belt but have been awarded increasingly higher grades of belts over the past 30 months, but now I realize that my technique is so flawed that I again have to don the white belt of the beginner.

My main trouble is that I can’t see the path ahead of me which I need to take to progress. Once I knew what I needed to do, it was just hard to do it. But now it’s just like I’m looking out and all I can see is a thick jungle ahead of me, with no obvious path to take. I fear I may just end up blindly wandering around looking for and opening so I can find my way. This isn’t just some sticking point. This is about who I am, and that makes it tough.

I’m very lost at the moment, and so unsure what my next step should be. I’m going to ask advice on some forums, but I’m really not sure I’ll get a good answer.

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Comments
  1. Jim Bacon says:

    Thanks for sharing this. It always takes guts to admit that things are not going as well as they could.

    “As I’ve dated more and more first dates have become nothing to me. It’s just another date, I go on them all the time. The outcome dependance has disappeared a long with my nerves.” – when you started out dating girls did you bang a higher percentage of them?

    “Imagine it like a martial art. I started of a white belt but have been awarded increasingly higher grades of belts over the past 30 months, but now I realize that my technique is so flawed that I again have to don the white belt of the beginner.” – I don’t think this is a good analogy at all (sorry to be blunt). Getting girls isn’t a performance or a skill. It’s about getting what girls want.

    Before giving any advice I’ll admit right now that I’m not hitting them out of the park, in fact I’m out of the game on sick leave right now, and so could well be talking bollocks.

    But… one thing that keeps coming though to me (because I was in this situation myself) was that you seem to a be a guy who has a few long term friends, and then a couple of wings who he goes out to approach girls with. I said it before, but what about your Amigos y amigas (social circle)? I keep asking about this because I did a massive approaching push while I was in Brighton, got a load of dates, but continually had the girls losing interest and fucking off after being initially interested. I reckon (for me at least) this was due to me being not unattractive, but having a really crap social life due to long term illness. I honestly do believe that you need a fun social life. If your social life is less fun than the girls social life, then she will lose attraction for you, even if she was initially strongly physically attracted to you (my special move over the last few years). I think this can be a bit hard for us guys to get our heads around as we’d fuck a hot girl even if she was depressed and had no real friends.

    I think you are over thinking things by analyzing things at an ‘inner game level’. It is just too detailed to give us any real information on how to go forward.

    I think you have fixed the physical appearance side of your game to some degree by losing a lot of weight. You have fixed the approach side of your game as you are now approaching a decent amount of girls. But perhaps you are still not what a large percentage of reasonably hot women want – a confident good looking guy with an exciting and fun social life.

    Again, apologies if any of this is just me projecting my home movies onto you. I keep imagining that if you left London and worked somewhere where you had more time for having fun, and which was also easier to maintain a large group of friends than London (somewhere with pre-existing social circles perhaps) then you would probably start cleaning up with the hot girls.

  2. Socialkenny says:

    Why didn you attempt to SNL the girl that had #-closed you @ the club?

    I’m the master of club game and SNL.#-closing girls at the club isn’t the way to go.Try f-closing her that same night after the club.

    You # close only if no other options(bad logistics).

  3. MikeG says:

    “There’s no excitement, and it often feels on a date like I’m not even there. I often find myself on a date, talking to a girl but it’s all on auto pilot. It’s a feeling that’s really hard to put into words. It’s not so much that my mind wonders to other things, but at the same time I’m not there.”

    Thats pretty normal if you go on enough dates…..I think the question is are you getting bored with average looking girls or are these girls legitimately attractive? Lets put it this way, if you went on a date tomorrow with a girl who was actually a 9 or 10 would you really be on autopilot? Im talking about a girl where every guy and girl in the bar is looking at her when she walks in.

    If your bored then you need higher quality girls

    • I agree with MikeG this is a quality issue. You go out with hotter girls you’ll be doing it less frequently. Good show though, just to be at that level is pretty cool.

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