Archive for August, 2012

…well sort of.

I went to this year’s Notting Hill Carnival with a wing. For those of you who don’t know, the carnival is basically a giant day time street party with a Jamaican theme which takes place in London every year. The focal point is a procession with singing, music and dancing, and the event itself spreads over an area which is probably about a square mile in size.

I went with a wing, but my main aim wasn’t really pickup. I’ve just never been before and wanted to see what it was like. Despite the weather not being great, there was a great atmosphere, and plenty of street drinking, to which the police turn a blind eye.

After a few beers and chatting to a few girls, we come to an area which is basically like a salsa club in the middle of the street. There’s latino music blearing from outdoor speakers, and loads of hot South American women wearing not a lot of clothes are gyrating in the street. As soon as I saw it I thought it looked like just my thing.

I stood at the edge of the ‘dancefloor’, eyeing up the prospects. My eye settled upon a Brazilian girl who was literally jumping up and down with excitement while dancing. Her face was so so (good bone structure, but something odd about her complexion), and her body was fucking terrific. Big but firm ass, and perky tits that must have been DDs. I lock on eye contact. Shoot her a smile. She comes over. We start dancing straight away.

From the small talk, she’s recently moved to London from Brazil to be a dance instructor. We grind for awhile before I kiss her a few times, making sure I get my hands all over her luscious ass. She’s trying to be quite dominant with me, but I’m having none of it. She’s trying to tell be us British people have no culture compared to Brazil (try Shakespeare, bitch), and that I don’t understand latinos. I tell her that that’s a cool story. To make a short story even shorter, she came across as slightly nuts (and not in the good way), and mainly seemed interested in the dancing, so I left her to it.

So, although the environment made this a lot like a nightclub, it was still technically a kiss close on the street. In the day time. In under 10 minutes. And unlike Yad I got to touch my one up ;).

Anxiety is a comfort blanket

Posted: August 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

Although there can be many reasons behind the various anxieties men get when they start to practise game, I think by far the biggest is that anxiety is a comfort blanket. It’s there to give excuses for failure in order to protect the man’s ego.

Consider some of the common forms of anxiety that men face when learning game:

  • Approach anxiety, that stops them approaching at all.
  • Social anxiety, that prompts them to eject early from sets, just taking a number but without having the balls to isolate the girl so you can talk to her in more depth, leading to more solid numbers.
  • Escalation anxiety, that stops guys getting physical with girls and pushing for sex.

Now think about how these anxieties can actually be used as an excuse.

If a guy doesn’t approach, he can tell himself, it’s not that girls don’t like me, it’s just that I “can’t” (the truth is won’t) approach them.

If a guys to anxious in set, and just takes the number quickly instead of properly working the set by isolating the girl and them getting to know each other better, he’ll probably mostly get flakes. A lot of guys when they first start getting numbers seem to be like this, getting mainly flakes. In this situation, he can tell himself that, it’s not that girls don’t like him, he just doesn’t work a set right yet and so gets flakey numbers. Either this or he blames his lack of ‘text game’ (protip: there’s really no such thing).

Let’s say a guy can get a girl out on a date. During the date, due to escalation anxiety, he doesn’t kiss or try and take her home. He can tell himself that, it’s not that girls don’t like him, it’s just that he is too anxious to escalate on them.

Although it seems like the guy might be blaming himself for his failures with women in the above scenarios, really he isn’t. He’s seeing his anxiety (or in some of these cases, lack of game I suppose) as a separate ‘entity’ in his mind, one divorced from his true self and personality. He then blames this entity for his failures, rather than his ‘true’ core self.

It’s not just anxiety either, there are other things. Like for example, many guys in the community shun going to the gym and working on their looks. As much as they’ll tell you “looks don’t matter”, when these guys don’t see success, somewhere in the deep recesses of their mind they’ll blame their failure on being fat / ugly. This is because these are superficial things that can be changed fairly easily (it may take time and discipline, but once you accept that it’s so easy to do). It protects their ego by failing to admit that they may have deeper problems. There are many possible excuses:

  • Being a bit short
  • Being Asian
  • Not having a very deep voice
  • Not being in a fraternity

Sure, some of these things are disadvantages and will make success harder, but in the long term, when looking at the big picture and given enough approaches, they shouldn’t stop you.

Anyway, those other excuses were and aside. The real topic here is anxiety. Let’s say the guy after much effort triumphs over adversity and gets rid of these anxieties. He can now go out to bars / clubs, open, isolate and take solid numbers that lead to dates on a consistent basis. When on dates he isn’t afraid to go for the kiss and push for the bounce back to his place, or if the situation isn’t right for that, try and set up a day 3 with better logistics.

At this point, all the anxiety based excuses have been stripped away. It’s now just down to whether the girl likes your personality and finds it attractive enough. If she does, you get laid. If not, you don’t; she won’t see you again after the day 2 or go home with you.

Many guys who get to this stage will more or less have cracked game. When it comes down to the girl looking at their personality, they like what they say. The guy gets laid regularly. It turns out that he has no major personality flaws, and it was just anxiety getting in his way. It was a safety blanket he didn’t need, because all this time he really was good enough for the pretty girls. I think it’s guys like this who get good at game quickly. This type of guy is usually someone who is a pretty OK guy, with a decent social life, he just never consistently cold approached before game. After 3 – 6 months (maybe a year) of overcoming anxiety and getting used to taking girls through the courtship ritual he’s now in pussy paradise.

For some other guys, it’s a different story though. They get to this stage where anxiety isn’t stopping them. They show the girl their true personality and it isn’t good enough. And it’s a bitter reality. A hard pill to swallow. This is what their anxiety was for. It was protecting their ego from this truth.

This is the stage I’m at now. I have had to over the past couple of months slowly come to terms with the fact that my personality is not attractive to girls. Over the past two and a half years I’ve systematically ripped my anxiety comfort blankets to shreds, so there’s nothing standing between me and success but my own core personality. If I’m 100% honest my mind still won’t fully accept it. When I re read the words I just typed:

my personality is not attractive to girls

I still don’t believe it deep down. My mind still races for alternative solutions. Looking for little minor things I could be doing wrong (e.g. properly dealing with a girl rudely using her phone when on a date). Things that are quick and easy to fix. Mistakes that mean I’m a great person with no major flaws. The truth is slowly sinking in though. It’s the reason I’ve been feeling depressed for this past month. The enormity of what I must do to ‘fix’ myself is becoming apparent, and it scares me. Large parts of my core personality and how I live my life need to change. I don’t even know for certain what those parts are, I’m just guessing. I may be trying to fix issues that aren’t really big issues at all, wasting my time. I honestly don’t know if I can do what needs to be done. The task just seems to daunting.

My problems aside, the anxiety as a comfort blanket analogy is something you should bare in mind when dealing with anxiety. It’s often nothing more than a protection mechanism. Push through it and discover who you really are.

Get a life

Posted: August 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

This week I went on a date with a girl I met in a club. Nothing new there, then. The difference here was that I really liked the girl (in terms of personality, not just looks). If I’m honest, she’s one of only two girls I’ve been on dates with this year who I’ve liked to this extent. That’s two girls out of about 20. The first girl didn’t want a second date, and since it looks like my first post date text to this latest girl may well be being ignored (too late to tell for sure, but I’ve done this enough times now to spot patterns).

It got me thinking about the date, and going in dates in general. As regular readers know, this is a weak point of mine. Until regularly I’ve been escalating too hard, and coming off as a player / pussy hound, but I didn’t do that this time. What struck me, is that when we were both talking about our lives, it started to become apparent that I’ve done very little. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but this date really brought it home to me. I know for a fact she picked up on it.

The fact I’ve really not done much in my life is one of my two remaining insecurities (the other being that I’m not as good at my job as I’d like, but that’s not as relevant to game as lifestyle is).

To give you an idea what I mean, here is a brief history of my life:

0-15 years
Grew up

15-18 years
Had a decent group of friends from school, went clubbing with them semi regularly. Actually lost my virginity from a cold approach lay at 17. Some good trips abroad with school. Some fun UK based holidays with friends.
18-21 years
University. While many guys come out of their shell and become comfortable with themselves during their uni years, for me being left on my own to try and make friends in an environment far less structured than school left me floundering. It was here that the seeds of insecurities first planted at school grew into full blown oak trees.

In UK universities many people make close friends with the people they share accommodation with. I put with 3 foreign students and two other English people. The foreign students all went off to parties arraigned specifically for foreign students. I did try a little to get to know them (apart from one of them who could barely speak English), but they were all a lot older and didn’t seem to share my lets get pissed and do stupid shit attitude. Of the two English people, there was a girl and a boy. The girl was a bit of a cunt. The bloke was OK, and I went out with him a little in the early days, but just didn’t really click with him.

That left me to try and go out and make friends. I won’t lie, I really struggled with this. I was introverted and also lacking in confidence, and my social skills when it came to meeting new people were poor. Eventually I managed to make a fairly small group of friends, but we mainly kept ourselves to ourselves so I didn’t meet that many new people.

There were numerous clubs and socities to join at uni, but I really shot myself in the foot by only joining the cult tv society (I gave both karate and American Football a go, but only for a brief time). This would have been a great oppourtunity to both broaden my horizons and meet people.

I through myself into weight training, convincing myself that getting big and strong was the key to getting respect from men and sex from girls. I focused on weight training and blocked most other stuff out. Although I got big and strong, I also got very fat from eating too many calories. This fat stayed with me until I lost it all very recently.

Too many times I got AMOG’d by guys who probably wouldn’t even try to pull that stuff on me these days. I failed to act on the signals of women I met out of shyness, and assuming they’d never be interested. As these social failures piled up I responded by withdrawing more and more socially. I become more and more resentful towards everyone else. This is where I started on my path towards becoming an omega male.

21-23 years
The slide to full omega. After university I went back home to live with my parents. I got my first job as a programmer. Many of my school friends left the area, going off to do other things. The insecurities in my personality which had grown at university were now in full bloom, leaving me an easy target to be picked on by co workers (some of the staff at this company were by far the most unprofessional I have ever worked with in this regard). I din’t socialise at all. I never went on holidays. I did nothing but go to work and surf the internet when I got home. My social skills withered and died. I fucked one outrageously fat girl who asked me out during Ju Jitsu class, and that’s all in these years.

23-27 years
I knew something had to change, but I didn’t know what. I moved to another city for a fresh start. It didn’t help much. In y my first year there I went out once or twice with one of my flatmates. They didn’t really have many / any friends either (they were foreigners, only in the country for a short time). After a year they left and I moved into a flat on my own. For a few years I had no friends and 0 social life. I never set foot in a bar or a club. Never went on holiday. All I did was work, go home, get a takeaway, surf the net (mainly to fap to porn), watch movies and occasionally fuck prostitutes (the girls at the brothel near my house were fit). Never pulled a girl. Hell, I barely spoke to a girl. I wasted my money on takeaway food and whores.

I got fatter because of the takeaways, and I had an awful dress sense and cheap haircut. The mixture of poor social skills, no social life and dreadful physical appearance combined meant that my sexual market value was probably around 3/10 at best. The only way it could have been much worse was if I’d been unemployed too. I was a full omega, and had sunk almost as far as a man can in terms of sexual desirability.

Finally I had a falling out with my boss at work. My employment no longer felt secure. I used this as a call to action, and I again moved cities, looking for a fresh start. This time I chose London.

27 years
In my first year in London, my life was pretty much unchanged. I had a girl friend for a while, who I met online (social networking site, not online dating). She was fat and ugly. That was my only lay during this year, but it was my first non paid lay in about 5 years. Still an Omega really. This blog should have been called OmegaToPUA, if I’m honest.

28 years
This is when everything changed. I’d read a book called The Game by a man named Neil Strauss a few years previously. Didn’t think much of it at the time. Then, it was this year that I started seeing more and more references to it online. I realised there were actually people practising this game stuff, and many of them were in London. This point brings me up to when this blog started. So if you want to know what happened next, have a read.

I’ve made big changes since then. I go out regularly. I have some friends. I’m slowly but surely progressing from omega to sigma male. In the past 2 years (It took me 6 months is game to get laid for the first time) I have laid 16 women, compared to the 2 I laid in my 8 odd years as an Omega (my total lifetime count is 23). I dress fairly well (most days!), have a decent hair cut, go out a lot to bars and clubs, date a lot and my body now looks like this:

Still I’m not quite there. I have a ten year void of inactivity in which I didn’t really live my life to make up for. Serious action is required, but still this is going to take time. I’m 30 now so time is a pressing issue. There aren’t many years left before I become to old to be a real player. The next 18 months will really shape who I am, and whether or not I succeed in game. For me the stakes are high. I won’t be able to develop a strong sense of personality or an interesting life until I get out there and do more stuff. I’m limited by both time and money, but there are still many possibilities. I see the future as an oppourtunity, and I can only really fail due to laziness, poor discipline and inaction. I can regularly get girls out on dates now, but as soon as they dig deeper they only find this void that exists in my past. This is the one last thing that stands in my way. When I have this sorted I really think laying attractive girls regularly won’t be a problem for me. Making up for a life’s worth of inactivity is a big task though.

As you may have noticed, most of my recent posts have been on the same theme. Finding my weaknesses. Everything (this, the 3 congruency posts two of which are written, the dates post, the outer game post which is yet to come and one I’ll do soon on wealth / career) I’m writing now is essentially an analysis of my failures. When all these posts are written then they’ll be one final post in the ‘series’. This will be what I intend to do to fix it all. It will be called The Plan. All this will be posted this month, with the plan being posted on the last day of the month. The plan then starts to go into effect from the 1st of September.

A big thing is made in the seduction community about never chasing girls, but instead making them chase you. Although I think it can be done, it’s really in the realm of more advanced guys who know what they’re doing. Newbies / intermediates are going to have to chase most girls. Accept it and get over it, your dick will thank you.

But isn’t chasing girls ‘beta’? A bit like how you say something is more important than what you say, with chasing girls it’s all about how it’s done. I’m certainly not an expert on this, but I’m sure I have the basics down.

The problem with chasing a girl is that, whilst if you do it right you come across as persitant; a man who knows what he wants and persues it. Do it wrong and you come across as needy; a man with no options who desperately needs to get this girl.

I think there are two things that seperate persistant chasing from needy chasing:

  1. Timing
  2. Not bending over backwards to accommodate the girl

To illurstrate the first point, take a look at these two text exchanges. I think the first one comes across as needy, the second persistant:

Me: You free for after work drinks on Wednesday night?
Her: Sorry, no. This week’s not great for me. Defo up for it another time though!! 🙂 x
Me: Well how about the weekend? I’m free Saturday night?

Me: You free for after work drinks on Wednesday night?
Her: Sorry, no. This week’s not great for me. Defo up for it another time though!! 🙂 x
Me: Cool, will text you another time
3-5 days later…
Me: Hey, how was your Saturday?
Her: Good, enjoyed the sun in the park? You? x
Me: Did Camden market daytime, clubbing with the lads in the evening. It’d be cool to get together sometime next week. How’s your week looking?
Her: I can do Tuesday or Thursday if that’s OK?
Me: Tuesday’s a no for me, Thursday’s fine. Meet outside Covent garden tube at 6:30 for drinks and giggles

In the first exchange the guy, upon being rebuffed for a meet up immediately tries to rearrange for another date. This makes it look like he really needs to get the girl out on a date. In the second exchange, he’s still chasing for the date, but in a much more relaxed manner. He leaves it over half a week before going for the date again. Even then he doesn’t go straight for the date, there’s some pleasantries first. This guy comes across as wanting a date with her but not needing a date with her. The difference between wanting and needing in this case is just leaving a few days between text messages.

As for the second point, not bending over backwards to accommodate the girl is simple. Have things going on in your life that you’re not willing to drop in order to see her. This will come across when your chasing her for a date, but you can’t do a day she suggests. This way, despite being persistent in asking her out, you’re not needy about it.

The motivation for me to write this post is that I have lost out on closing a good few women recently because I refused to chase them or be persistent enough. The particular case that brought this to my attention was a girl I was in contact with from an online dating site. The first time I asked her out she cancelled the date the day before it was meant to happen. Second time I tried to arrange a date she was ill. Third time she said she couldn’t make the day I proposed, but she did offer an alternative. At this point I didn’t bother texting her back. About a week later I got a text from her. She was annoyed that I’d never bothered getting back to her. I told her she hadn’t shown enough interest. She was clearly feeling upset, as she said, “No wonder you’re single if you ignore the girls who are interested in you!”. Despite the fact she said this out of spite, it did strike a chord with me.

I would have probably fclosed at least a couple more, if not a few more girls this year if I had just spent a bit more effort chasing the ones who were interested in me. I’ve got a bit arrogant recently, deciding that I’m attractive enough that once I’ve made a little initial effort with a girl, she should chase me, or at the very least meet me half way. This may happen later on once a girl has fallen for you, but in the early stages of the human courtship ritual, the rules are clear: the man does the chasing.

From now on I’m going to follow up on every ‘lead’ hard. I’m going to be persistent in moving the girl through the courtship ritual, towards sex, only giving up when I know I’ve really burnt the set to the ground. I think one thing that will help a lot with this is the realisation that I need to be going for hotter girls.

 

Congruency – Part 2

Posted: August 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

In part one of this post I talked about the type of man a wannabe PUA represents himself as when he does a direct approach on a girl. A man who confidently goes after what he wants in life, and often gets it. The fact that the budding PUA does not really live his whole life in this manner, but rather just approaches girls in this manner, means that when he approaches like this he is being in-congruent with who he usually is. I believe this is the route of much of guys AA, and also of their problems in getting the girl into bed even if they can make the initial approach.

Although I often go direct on girls in clubs I think this is in-congruent with the way I currently live my life. I am not the type of man that always knows what he wants in life and confidently goes after it, often succeeding. In this post I am going to look at certain behaviours / habits I have which I feel are currently preventing me from being that man.

To simplify this and also to make it easier to track my progress when addressing these issues I’m going to create a list of good and bad behaviours / habits. I will then assign points to each based upon frequency and perceived impact of the behaviour. Good things get plus points, bad things minus points. I’m going to do this for the past week, from last Saturday to yesterday. The points for the week will be totalled. A positive score means I’m doing OK. The higher the positive score the more I’m living my life the way I want to be. A negative score means I’m doing it wrong.

  • Working out 3 times a week hard with weights: +3
  • Failing to approach hot girls I see when I’m out and about (but not sarging): -5
  • Good eating practices. Would give 5 points if I ate well all week, but I slipped up a few times: +2
  • Each time I bought a pack of cigarettes when I’m trying to quit: -8
  • Masturbating when I’m meant to be practising nofap. -1 for fapping -2 for paying to fap to a girl on cam: -8
  • Spending money on things I don’t need like too many excess energy drinks: -2
  • Nights when I planned to do something productive but didn’t (+2 for action, -2 for inaction): -4
  • Not taking action to improve my financial situation / career when I have identified finances as holding me back: -5
  • Social activity in the week. Had a few dates but didn’t do anything that is really me leading an exciting life: -2
  • Reading. Did none: -5
  • Saw an HB9 come onto the dancefloor. Brazilian. Huge tits. Perfect ass. Tight denim shorts and a tight t-shirt. The type of girl who wouldn’t look out of place as one of the hotties they have at a car show. A circle of chodes instantly forms around her and her friends. She periodically backs away from them. I look at her and think I won’t stand a chance with her. I push my way through both the fear and the chodes and take her hand any way. We dance sexy grinding like mad (she can really dance) for 10 minutes. The chodes disperse. She refuses kclose and later I nclose her (but she flakes): +5
  • Not having a plan for my progress in life and game: -5
  • Forming friendships. Meet some new LSS guys who I get on with, but they are from out of town: +2
  • Effort at work. I wasn’t lazy but I should have gone the extra mile on one project that’s starting to drag: 0

Total: -32.

Conclusion: Oh fuck.

Obviously the points are very arbitrary, and so -32 doesn’t really mean much compared to say -15 or -60. Despite this I think this gives a very good overview of where my life’s at at the moment. To ensure progress I’m going to come back to this and do it again on the week commencing 3rd of September. Expect a post on the 9th of September where I tot up the points for that week.

This list is very personal to me, but this doesn’t stop you doing the same thing. Write out a list of behaviours that you want to engage in and those you don’t, and score them up like I did, with the scores being weighted based on how important you perceive them being. Remember this is not about living your life the way I or any PUA forum / book / guru / society says you should. It’s about having your own goals and pursuing them confidently.

In part 3 of the post I’m going to go into specifics of how I intend to elevate this score so that come the week commencing the 3rd of September, it can be a positive one.

Read part 1

Read part 3

Day 2 Round Up

Posted: August 18, 2012 in Uncategorized

Since day 2s are a clear weakness for me, I’ve decided to list all of the first dates this year in roughly chronological order, looking at the outcome of each in order to see if I can see any patterns which may give a clue as to why I’m failing.

I only started going out on dates in March, so these are 5 and a half months worth of dates.

Red headed South African ,HB6 – Night club pickup

Outcome: Kiss close, moderate groping, she didn’t want a second date

Young blonde Finish girl on gap year, HB8 – Bar pickup

Outcome: 2 dates, kiss close, minor groping, she didn’t seem that keen on a third date implying I should just meet up with her when she was out with friends. I declined (I count this as her not wanting to see me again).

Fat Welsh girl, HB4 – Online

Outcome: Kiss close, I didn’t want to see her again.

Older English girl, HB6 – Online

Outcome: Fclose, brief fling

Bright eyes, HB8 – Online

Outcome: Fclose, 3 month relationship

Shy English girl – Online

Outcome: Fclose, still see her occasionally.

Tall English girl, HB7 – Online

Outcome: Kclose, then she went on holiday and had a death in the family. She didn’t want to see me again.

Younger Indian girl, HB5 – Online

Outcome: Fclose, 2nd date lay.

Half Jamaican girl, HB7 – Night club pickup

Outcome: No KClose. Date didn’t go all that well. Made a lot of excuses about meeting up for a second date and cancelled once so I stopped chasing (I count this as her not wanting to see me again).

Red Head Kiwi, HB6 – Online

Outcome: She bored me and was arsey. I didn’t want to see her again.

Dumpy Canadian, HB5 – Online

Outcome: KClose. I didn’t want to see her again, she wasn’t hot enough.

Dark skinned English girl, HB7 – Online

Outcome: First date went really well. KClose. Second date was more subdued and she decided she didn’t want to see me again.

Young Swedish Au Pair, HB8 – Night club pickup

Outcome: Blow / hand job on the first date. No second date because she decided she was going to stick with another guy she was seeing.

Young English Girl who talked about herself too much – Night club pickup

Outcome: Kiss close. Didn’t want to see me again.

Blonde English girl, HB6 – Online

Outcome: Hand job on first date. She was interested in a second date, but I decided that logistical issues (she lives just outside London) meant that it wasn’t worth carrying on seeing her, despite her being ripe for the flcose. Might have put the effort in if she was hotter.

Tall Brazilian girl,  HB6 – Online

Outcome: First date fclose.

English banker, HB5 – Singles night pickup

Outcome: KClose and groping. Not as attractive as I first thought, didn’t like her personality as I got to know her more so didn’t want to see her again.

English programmer, HB5 – Singles night pickup

Outcome: KClose. Lack of hotness and logistical issues (she’s outside London but works in London), means that I don’t want to see her again.

Older Indian girl, HB6 – Night club pickup

Outcome: KClose.  Lack of hotness and logistical issues (she’s outside London), means that I don’t want to see her again.

Some stats on these dates:

  • Total: 19
  • Online: 11 / Cold approach: 8
  • FClosed: 5 / Not Fclosed: 14 (26% fclose rate). Not counting bjs and hand jobs as fcloses.
  • Girls I didn’t want to see again: 7 / Didn’t want to see me again: 6
  • All lays from online, none from cold approach (my only cold approach fclose this year was an SNL, so does not appear here).

I’m looking at this figures and just taking a top level view of this, and at the same time thinking about what Krauser said was required for a successful date:

  • the girl likes you
  • you genuinely like her
  • you don’t fuck up the escalation

I’ve clearly been fucking up on point 2, and in a big way. If I didn’t want to see more than a third of the girls I went on a date with again, I’m obviously wasting a lot of time / money on dates when my only reason for being there is that the girl was willing to go on a date with me and I wanted to up my lay count. Also mixed in with this is an important lesson that I’m only just starting to learn: logistics are very important. This was the reason I didn’t want to see some of the girls again, and so I’m going to be screening for this better in the future. It may mean I have to walk away from some attractive girls early on, but I think it’s something I’ll have to do. Overall though, I need to be going for more attractive women.

The girl likes me… I think I’ve been ok on this one, but not perfect. I seem to be able to screen fairly well online as much as possible for girls who like me. I have dropped the ball on a few occasions with cold approach though. This was with the red head South African, the Half Jamaican girl and possible with the hot Finish girl. In all of these cases the girls, during the initial pick up the girls seemed to like talking to me, yet the physical vibe wasn’t quite there. They both refused kiss closes, and when it came to kino it just didn’t seem quite right. Through experience I have come to learn the ways girls who you’ll end up fucking react to your touch, and touch you back soon after first meeting. It’s too subtle to put into words. None of the girls recoiled from my touch, but something wasn’t quite there. More experienced guys will know what I’m talking about here. It’s even more subtle than just say, whether or not you get the kiss on the first attempt. Two our of six of the girls I’ve fucked this year turned me down on my first kiss close attempt. This means very little.

I need to filter out girls who are looking purely for a LTR guy or who are looking to go on dates just for the experience of going on dates (girls like the attention a date gives them, and will often go on dates with guys they will never actually fuck, and I’m not talking about gold diggers here). The risk of walking away from a good prospect is always there, but I need to go with my instinct here and filter out certain girls soon after meeting them. I will do this based on the physical vibe I was talking about earlier.

The last point is not fucking up the escalation. There are three ways in which you can do this:

  1. Doing it awkwardly because you’re nervous about escalating.
  2. Going too fast / too hard.
  3. Going to slow / not pushing hard enough.

I never make the first mistake. I’m not nervous about escalating any more. Take the first kiss for example. I’ve kissed 30 – 40 girls this year. I’ve been given the cheek on so many occasions. Getting  rejected when going for a kiss / escalating is meaningless to me now.

I am guilty of the other two escalation faux paxes. I often push way to hard escalating when a girl first rebuffs me, then I often escalate way too far in a location / situation where we’re unlikely to have sex. On the flip side I’m fairly meek / lacking persistence when it comes to getting the girl to a location where sex can happen (ie my flat). This is a combination which can easily lose you many lays (I think this is a big one for me). I’m not going to go into detail about this now, as I’ll be doing a post analysing the weaknesses in my outer game soon which will cover this in more detail.

I think there’s also a fourth point that Krauser has missed, and that’s having good logistics. I usually fuck this up. I need to create a good date plan that’s near my house, but easily accessible to girls. Probably between me and central London. Based on Krauser’s coffee -> laid back drinking venue -> romantic drinking venue model (which makes sense to me) I need to find an place 15 minutes from both my house and central London that provides all three types of venue.

So my top level action plan:

  1. Only go on dates with girls I’m strongly attracted to
  2. Only go on dates with girls where I get the good up for sex with my physical vibe from them when first meeting them (cold approach).
  3. Don’t escalate too much outside of the sex location
  4. Push more to bounce them to my flat
  5. Arrange dates in a location which is closer to my flat

This is just an overview. As I’ve mentioned before a more detailed outer game post (will probably be a two parter, thinking about it) is coming soon.

Congruency – Part 1

Posted: August 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

Preface: As many regular readers know, I believe I’m currently falling radically short of my PUA potential. If been a bit down recently as I’ve done some soul searching to work out why this is, as I have noticed some bad things about myself whilst I’ve been looking inwards. These next 3 posts will be about the inner game problems I’ve discovered, and how I intend to fix them. I’ll then do one outer game post, to go over where I think I’m going wrong on a technical level.

Think about a direct approach. Especially a day game direct approach. The wannbe PUA, a man who wouldn’t usually approach a women like this before finding the seduction community, walks straight up to a girl he’s never met on the street without hesitation, and clearly communicates his romantic interest in her.

What kind of image is this type of approach supposed to portray? I’m sure you’re saying confidence. The budding seducer is playing a game of “fake it till you make it” by doing something that only a very confident man would usually do. It’s more than just confidence that is telegraphed here, though. What type of a man sees a woman he really wants to speak to on the street and stops what he’s doing so he can go and meet her in the most direct manner possible? A confident man for sure, but also, a man who knows what he wants and pursues it confidently without hesitation. That will be the girls first impression of him if he pulls the approach of confidently. And this is an attractive first impression. This is why direct approaching can work well.

Then lets look past the first impression to the reality of the situation. If he’s like most of the aspiring PUAs in London (and I’m guessing elsewhere in the world too), many of the following would be true:

  • He wishes he had a better career but rarely takes the risks / opportunities that he should do in order for his career to be anything but mediocre
  • Often wants to live his life differently to the way in which western society dictates a man should live, but doesn’t dare to. That path is too fucking scary.
  • He’s never really fucked up his life in any great way, but never shone at anything either. He’s average.
  • He’ll only approach girls like this when he’s out sarging with a bunch of wings. He’s never dream of doing it on the way to the shop near his house, or on the way home from work. He walks past attractive girls every day and does nothing, unless it happens during a sarging session.
  • He avoids out right competition / conflict, and never dares to reach for things he deems to be above him due to fear of failure.
  • He frequently takes the easier path, giving into sloth instead of following his plan.
  • He has no solid plan in life, no real direction or purpose.
  • He’s willing to cold approach girls, but when it comes to making other changes in his life, he sticks firmly within his comfort zone.

If you’ve been in the community for a while, does this sound familiar? Are you like this?

No wonder guys get so much AA and have such a hard time closing when they are like this. Look at the initial image of the man that the direct approach is supposed to portray, and then look at the real personality of the man doing the direct approach. He’s in-congruent with his approach. the girl will almost definately realise this at some point, and then that will be the end of it. Worse than this, he himself knows this, and while he does, approaching women like this will never feel 100% right to him.

He’s not a man who knows what he wants and goes for it without hesitation at all. If he were he wouldn’t just be going after what he wanted during a few 2 hour sarge sessions a week. This personality trait would permeate every aspect of his life, shaping his destiny. If the PUA wannabe really lived his life in the way that the direct approach suggests he does, how problematic do you think fucking hot women would actually be for him?

I think you can probably already guess what I’m about to advocate next. You have to become the man who know’s what he wants and pursues it without hesitation, and the only way you’re going to be able to do this is to change the whole way you interact with the world, not just the way you interact with girls a few times a week. I know it’s easier said than done. That’s not the point though. The point is that if you’re currently struggling with bedding hot women, and the bullet points above in any way come close to describing you then you’re pretty much an average man. Guess what. Average men don’t consistently fuck above average women.

So how many of those bullet points are relevant to your host and author? All of them to some degree, some of the time. I’m sad to say it, but you have to stare reality in the eyes and come to terms with the truth of the situation if you want to fix it.

So I need an action plan. I’m all about action plans. I like to sit down and work out where I’m going wrong and coming up with an action plan to fix it. I rarely stick to my plans anything like 100%, but I always improve enough by following them to make them very worth while.

The next post in this series will be a list of things I’m doing right and wrong in life and in game. When I say wrong I’m not talking about technical errors, but more about the bad decisions I make that effect the kind of man I am. They will a list of things I do which I feel are in-congruent with the type of man portrayed by a direct approach. The type of man I want to be The type of man hot women want to fuck.

 

Read part 2 of this post

Read part 3 of this post

When I arrived at my second ever singles night I simply wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. As a very introverted person I get this way sometimes. It also didn’t help that I’d only had 3 hours sleep the night before, and my wing wasn’t going to get there for 30 minutes.

Some girls tried to talk to me as I arrived but I basically brushed them off. I went to the bar and ordered a beer, and just stood there alone and silent as I waited for my wing to arrive. At this point I didn’t see the night going well for me. I surveyed the room. Maybe 50 women. I’d say 30 were nos for me, a few that were pretty hot, and the rest were passable. Not a great line up.

Things get better after my wing arrives. We chat for a while and talk to some girls (who neither of us are sexually interested in) who we met at the last singles event. By that point I’m starting my second beer and I’m pretty warmed up. We go on the prowl around the venue. I open a younish Russian girl, HB6. We chat for a while but she doesn’t get my sense of humour (people who don’t speak English extremely well often don’t) and her conversational skills are poor. She excuses herself and goes back to her friends. Good. Do not want.

I keep making eyes at a very exotic looking HB8, one of the few hot girls in the room. She returns the eye contact and smiles, but she’s sat in a booth so it’s too physically hard to get to her to open.

A bit later on my wing is in set with the one girl in the venue he really likes (he’s picky) so I go on the prowl on my own. An HB5 with a slightly cockney accent opens me by saying hello as I walk by. She’s got a nice body on her but the face isn’t great at all. I say hi back and keep on walking. It isn’t actually till I’m a few feet away that I realize she was trying to open me. It was just so quick as I was walking by that it caught me by surprise.

I walk over to some nearby steps to have a think. Is she hot enough for me? Will it look silly if I reapproach (no)? Then she makes the decision for me by coming over to me and talking to me. Turns out she’s a Software Developer like me. I play dumb and pretend I know nothing about software development. Then I tell her I’m actually a programmer. She doesn’t believe me so I pretend I’m pretending to be a software developer by making up fake but plausible sounding programming languages and saying I programme in them. I sit her down on a sofa and kiss  and number close her after chatting for a while.

After around 30 minutes I decide the number’s solid, so I want to leave her and go on the prowl again. I’ve caught the eye of the exotic HB8 a number of times and so I want to open her. My girl goes to get a drink while I go for a smoke. On my way back a very solid HB7 blonde opens me by saying hello as I walk by. Again, I just say hi back not realising that she wanted to chat me up until I was already walking away. I’m not that used to women opening me, so I’m always caught by surprise when they do, so I fuck it up like this. I’m just about to walk back to her when my girl comes back up to me. It turns out her friends have now left so she sticks to me like glue for the rest of the night, holding on to my arm any time I walk around the venue. This means I never open anyone else. I would have felt bad telling her I wanted to meet other people, especially since all of her friends have now left. I never got the chance to have a go at any of the hotter girls in the bar.

My wing flat out berated me for this the next time I saw him. He told be I’m really to good for girls like that and I need to either flat out reject them, or if I do decide to number close them, at least be firm about moving on once I’m sure the number is solid. He’s right. I’m not used to rejecting girls. To be honest I’ll sleep with a girl who isn’t great looking as long as they make it easy for me (ie approaching me or giving me huge approach invitations) and they’re attractive enough to give me a boner. My time in field is limited, so I have to get used to focusing on the hotter girls. It’s time to level up. I shouldn’t go for anything less than a really solid 7, and should be approaching many HB8s and HB9s (9s are very rare, though). In the context of singles nights this means approaching only the top 5-10% of women there.

As I’m stood outside the bar at the end of the night trying to work out how to get home, and HB6/7 blonde approaches me and goes direct on me, telling me she’d seem be inside but at the time wasn’t brave enough to approach me. I can’t believe a girl would  be too nervous to approach me. This really puts AA in perspective to me. Some girls must find it crazy that guys are too shy to approach them, thinking, “I’m not scary, why would a man be scared of approaching me? I don’t get to chat to her for long because her (really drunk and annoying) friends are trying to drag her off into the taxi. I do a really quick number close. I don’t often do this (because I think in a set you should be aiming for a certain vibe, not aiming to get a girls number), but given the situation it’s my only option.

After two singles nights I’ve gathered all the information I need about the ‘structure’ / social dynamics of the events:

  1. Things get going really early and wind down early. This is because the events are on a week night. Things are in full swing by 7pm, and wind down just before 11.
  2. Girls will approach me, but many of them won’t be hot enough for me.
  3. It’s easy to open and you don’t really get blown out harshly because it’s singles night. It’s what people are there for so there’s no social awkwardness with opening a set. it’s all semi warm approach. This means that all the chodes open. Unfortunately, that means that all the hottest girls are in set almost the entire night.

From this I have devised a strategy:

  1. On arriving at the venue do a circuit and talent spot the hottest girls. These will be my only targets.
  2. Very soon after this open a warm up set so I can get socially lubricated.
  3. If girls open me and take me by surprise, just go back to them and say, “Sorry you were trying to talk to me but I was a million miles away. My name’s BetaToPua…”.
  4. If girls who aren’t hot enough open me, chat to them cordially for a few minutes, but then make my excuses and end the conversation. I must get used to rejecting girls. These events only happen twice a month for a few hours at a time. No time to waste.
  5. If one of my targets seems to always be speaking to guys, I have two options. I can open an adjacent set so I can keep an eye on her, then pounce on her when she’s free. Alternatively, I can open her friends and use them to get introduced to her. That then forms one big set of me, her friends, her and they guy who’s opened her. From there I can gauge her interest in me, and if it’s strong enough isolate her to a nearby sofa and leave the guy chatting to her friends. A slightly Mystery Method approach, but I think it’s the best option. It will also help me gain more advanced social skills, as doing something like this regularly is not something most guys can do.
  6. I should remember that at these events girls really do come there to meet guys who are just like me. I’m one of the more desirable men there. I need to realise this and set my standards accordingly (ie only going after the top 5-10% of girls in the bar).
  7. I should be getting 2-3 numbers a night from HB7s/HB8s.

The next event is on the 22nd August in Shoreditch. If any readers want to join me there that would be great, I’m currently looking to expand my wing / friendship circle. Email me on betatopua at googlemail dot com.

One of my occasional wings has been on at me for a while about going to a singles night run by a London centric dating website. He claimed to me that it’s really easy to get girls there. Since all the girls at the event are “Single and ready to mingle” this makes sense. The events happen twice a month. They’re held on weeknights in central London bars, and are free to attend. There’s no special activities organized at the event, so it’s just like a normal night at a bar, expect pretty much everyone there is available and looking to meet someone.

I went along to one this Thursday after work. After meeting my wing (and spotting some other London ‘lair’ guys I recognize) I started to take in the vibe of the place and started checking out the women that were on offer. Since I’m used to night clubs, the vibe was much more subdued than I’m used to. Quieter music and no dancing (early in the night). I felt out of my element right off the bat. I knew the environment meant that I’d have to do a lot more talking, particularly as part of a group. As huge introvert, this is most definitely my weak point. I stayed positive and thought that this would simply give me a chance to to work on this weak point. The percentage of girls who are hot is lower than in a normal club, mainly due to the older crowd (25 – 35 I’d say).

I’m stood drinking beer and talking to my wing when I notice a group of three girls across the bar. One of them is scanning the room, a sure sign she wants to be picked up. I lock eyes with her. She smiles briefly before looking away. Two minutes later that same group of three girls is no longer across the bar. They’re stood right behind us. Hmm. What could be going on here. I point this out to my wing. An older guy (late 40s) who my wing introduced me to earlier (turns out this guy is an older PUA) opens them. A few minutes later he brings my wing into the set then ejects himself. My wing then brings me into the set.

I think it was something to do with not being warmed up, but I felt slightly uncomfortable right away. This doesn’t usually happen to me these days. I soon get over it and make conversation. My wings talking to the HB7/8 (lets call her HBLovestruck) who made eye contact with me, there’s an HB8 who seems too sarcastic for my liking and an HB6 who seems friendly. I chat to the HB6. Just general chat, nothing special. My wing disappears and another guy opens HBLovestruck. After he gives up she says hello to me. I tell her I’ve forgotten her name. She tells me in a flirty way that that’s very rude. I tell her I’m a rude person. We exchange names and chat. It turn’s out that she’s a member of the dating website so I tease her about being on a dating website (I elected not to mention I’m on a dating website too). I finish my beer and so I eject to buy another.

Over the next couple of hour I don’t actually open any sets. Since it’s a singles night, unlike in most bars / clubs average guys here are approaching women. I just hate doing approaches on a group of girls that look closed off. I keep getting brought into set with my wing. I don’t like most of the girls I am talking too, they are boring. There’s one two set where one of the girls is very flirty and makes good conversation. My wing number closes her then ejects. I stay and chat a while. I do like the girl. She’s a solid 7 with a great personality, but since my wing took her number I keep things platonic then eject.

It’s about 9:30 and I haven’t opened a set of my own yet. I need to get in more practice approaching groups in this environment. My wings one on one with a great girl. I chat to her for a bit and she’s cool. She tells me I’m one of the top 5 guys in the room, but I clearly know it from the way I walk around the place, so some girls may be put off by my arrogant vibe. A fair assessment.

I go on the prowl then see exactly the type of girl I’m looking for. Her two friends are chatting to a guy, and she’s stood a little away from them half dancing to the music and not joining in with their conversation. This is a DTF signal. I approach her.

I tell her I like the way she’s dancing when no one else is, I think she has a good vibe about her. We talk about the dating event and her being single. I tell her how I find it hard to find girls who I really click with, and I can tell early on if we’ll  get on. I tell her I’m yet to meet anyone I’m interested in tonight, and I won’t just hang in there chatting to a hot girl if I don’t find them interesting. I say that I’m quite to the point so if I’m still chatting to a girl after 10 minutes that means I like her, otherwise I’ll move on before that. She asks how long we’ve been chatting for and I tell her 9 minutes. It’s at this point I decide to isolate her.

I’ve noticed how most guys (both PUAs and ‘chodes’) just stay in the same spot they met a girl talking and talking and talking, either hoping something will happen or waiting till enough time has passed to take the girls number. In my opinion, this is were most newbie PUAs (who have overcome AA) go wrong with night game. After 10 / 15 minutes of chatting with a girl in the same spot you met her things start to go stale. You need to escalate and that’s what most guys fail to do.

When I say escalate, I don’t necessarily mean physically. What I take escalation to mean is escalating the level of intimacy between you and the girl in such away that it moves the interaction closer to sex. Physical escalation is just one way of doing this. Other ways include:

  • Verbally sexually escalating
  • Verbally escalating by putting a romantic spin on the conversation (ask them if they’re single, for example)
  • Isolating the girl

I always like to isolate the girl as quickly as possible. often within 5 minutes. Isolation gives you both the sense that you’re together now, and it’s a strong feeling. She’ll also be more likely to allow physical escalation when you’re one on one.

So I take this girl to a sofa. We chat to for a bit, just standard ABC getting to know you stuff. I tell her I only just noticed how nice her legs are and kiss close her. A few minutes later I’ve got my hand up her skirt with my fingers inside her panties rubbing her clit. I try and take her home but she won’t come with me, so I take her number and tell her we’ll do drinks soon. We chat for a few minutes longer then I take her back to her friends.

About this time I get another approach invitation from HBLovestruck. It was the third she’s given me tonight. I didn’t take it because I felt the girl I just fingered was a good sex prospect and I didn’t want to mess it up. I though about this later though and I realized I fucked this night up. It should have been HBLovestruck I was on the sofa with, not the other girl. I really need to start going after the hotter women.

So I’m in the club tonight eying up a hottie who’s on the dancefloor, when an older woman comes up to me…

“Are you looking at my niece?”.
“Well it depends, Is that you’re nice?”
“Yes”
“Then yes I am. Is there any reason I wouldn’t want to look at her?”
“She’s very beautiful but very young”
“How young?”
“18”
“That’s OK with me”

She didn’t look happy.