Anxiety is a comfort blanket

Posted: August 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

Although there can be many reasons behind the various anxieties men get when they start to practise game, I think by far the biggest is that anxiety is a comfort blanket. It’s there to give excuses for failure in order to protect the man’s ego.

Consider some of the common forms of anxiety that men face when learning game:

  • Approach anxiety, that stops them approaching at all.
  • Social anxiety, that prompts them to eject early from sets, just taking a number but without having the balls to isolate the girl so you can talk to her in more depth, leading to more solid numbers.
  • Escalation anxiety, that stops guys getting physical with girls and pushing for sex.

Now think about how these anxieties can actually be used as an excuse.

If a guy doesn’t approach, he can tell himself, it’s not that girls don’t like me, it’s just that I “can’t” (the truth is won’t) approach them.

If a guys to anxious in set, and just takes the number quickly instead of properly working the set by isolating the girl and them getting to know each other better, he’ll probably mostly get flakes. A lot of guys when they first start getting numbers seem to be like this, getting mainly flakes. In this situation, he can tell himself that, it’s not that girls don’t like him, he just doesn’t work a set right yet and so gets flakey numbers. Either this or he blames his lack of ‘text game’ (protip: there’s really no such thing).

Let’s say a guy can get a girl out on a date. During the date, due to escalation anxiety, he doesn’t kiss or try and take her home. He can tell himself that, it’s not that girls don’t like him, it’s just that he is too anxious to escalate on them.

Although it seems like the guy might be blaming himself for his failures with women in the above scenarios, really he isn’t. He’s seeing his anxiety (or in some of these cases, lack of game I suppose) as a separate ‘entity’ in his mind, one divorced from his true self and personality. He then blames this entity for his failures, rather than his ‘true’ core self.

It’s not just anxiety either, there are other things. Like for example, many guys in the community shun going to the gym and working on their looks. As much as they’ll tell you “looks don’t matter”, when these guys don’t see success, somewhere in the deep recesses of their mind they’ll blame their failure on being fat / ugly. This is because these are superficial things that can be changed fairly easily (it may take time and discipline, but once you accept that it’s so easy to do). It protects their ego by failing to admit that they may have deeper problems. There are many possible excuses:

  • Being a bit short
  • Being Asian
  • Not having a very deep voice
  • Not being in a fraternity

Sure, some of these things are disadvantages and will make success harder, but in the long term, when looking at the big picture and given enough approaches, they shouldn’t stop you.

Anyway, those other excuses were and aside. The real topic here is anxiety. Let’s say the guy after much effort triumphs over adversity and gets rid of these anxieties. He can now go out to bars / clubs, open, isolate and take solid numbers that lead to dates on a consistent basis. When on dates he isn’t afraid to go for the kiss and push for the bounce back to his place, or if the situation isn’t right for that, try and set up a day 3 with better logistics.

At this point, all the anxiety based excuses have been stripped away. It’s now just down to whether the girl likes your personality and finds it attractive enough. If she does, you get laid. If not, you don’t; she won’t see you again after the day 2 or go home with you.

Many guys who get to this stage will more or less have cracked game. When it comes down to the girl looking at their personality, they like what they say. The guy gets laid regularly. It turns out that he has no major personality flaws, and it was just anxiety getting in his way. It was a safety blanket he didn’t need, because all this time he really was good enough for the pretty girls. I think it’s guys like this who get good at game quickly. This type of guy is usually someone who is a pretty OK guy, with a decent social life, he just never consistently cold approached before game. After 3 – 6 months (maybe a year) of overcoming anxiety and getting used to taking girls through the courtship ritual he’s now in pussy paradise.

For some other guys, it’s a different story though. They get to this stage where anxiety isn’t stopping them. They show the girl their true personality and it isn’t good enough. And it’s a bitter reality. A hard pill to swallow. This is what their anxiety was for. It was protecting their ego from this truth.

This is the stage I’m at now. I have had to over the past couple of months slowly come to terms with the fact that my personality is not attractive to girls. Over the past two and a half years I’ve systematically ripped my anxiety comfort blankets to shreds, so there’s nothing standing between me and success but my own core personality. If I’m 100% honest my mind still won’t fully accept it. When I re read the words I just typed:

my personality is not attractive to girls

I still don’t believe it deep down. My mind still races for alternative solutions. Looking for little minor things I could be doing wrong (e.g. properly dealing with a girl rudely using her phone when on a date). Things that are quick and easy to fix. Mistakes that mean I’m a great person with no major flaws. The truth is slowly sinking in though. It’s the reason I’ve been feeling depressed for this past month. The enormity of what I must do to ‘fix’ myself is becoming apparent, and it scares me. Large parts of my core personality and how I live my life need to change. I don’t even know for certain what those parts are, I’m just guessing. I may be trying to fix issues that aren’t really big issues at all, wasting my time. I honestly don’t know if I can do what needs to be done. The task just seems to daunting.

My problems aside, the anxiety as a comfort blanket analogy is something you should bare in mind when dealing with anxiety. It’s often nothing more than a protection mechanism. Push through it and discover who you really are.

  1. Jim Bacon says:

    I don’t think (pretty) girls are rejecting your personality. They are rejecting your situation. Just because you have a roof over your head and a job does not mean that you have an attractive life/situation that they want to be a part of. Yes… you situation isn’t that bad. But if you are a pretty girl then you will have a constant stream of suitors with great lives. Pretty girls date and fuck cool guys. Cool guys are guys with great life situations.

    “But I make lots of money” I hear guys say. Yeah well geeks at school got good grades, but that didn’t help them get laid. The guys who dominated the local (school) social network via being on the american football/rugby team are the ones who get laid.

    You could go from zero to hero in a matter of a week… if you took six months off and became a dive instructor in Thailand (shagging willing Swedish tourists, not dodgy Thai hookers). Or if you became a contiki bus tour guide. Or a bar rep down in the med. All of these are situations and places where social networks can crystallize.

    London is a bit of a wasteland in terms of finding social networks to dominate and be cool in. It can be done but it is fucking difficult.

    You’ve sorted out the looks, and are approaching, now you need to sort out the ‘life’ side of things.

    I hate to admit it, but I’m a bit of a pretty boy, yet I still can’t get laid due to my life sucking due to current illness. Women initially really like me but then cool off rapidly as they talk to me. I think you could be in a less severe version of this situation to some degree.

  2. krauserpua says:

    You’re at a critical juncture now, putting the last pieces in place. You’ve probably seen from my posts in early 2011 (work with Skeletor) and then late 2011 (my dark side musings) how I went through this stage. It’s well worth the effort. When you come out the other side you feel simply….. solid.

    Don’t get disheartened by what seems like an enormous task. You have set the bar very high, close to complete male development, so of course it seems far way. Don’t forget that much of the personality changes are internal and thus fully within your control (unlike money, which requires some compliance from the external world).

    Also, this rebuilding process is something you carry forward for 50 years. It’s worth it.

  3. gunsofapollo says:

    Great post. Insightful. I went from being TERRIFIED of going to a FRIEND’S HOUSE. Hell, sometimes I still get nervous just going to a bar. But on dates, or talking to girls, or escalating I have never had any anxiety since day 1 of Game. I guess I am naturally Outcome Independent. One thing I found though is that I embrace everything about me. The last girl I dated I talked about how I still sleep with a stuffed animal and about playing Super Nintendo on the pickup.

    To me, as long as you don’t have some creepy personality flaw, its more about having a FUN personality than anything else. And I have yet to find pussy paradise, but there are times where I wish I had a bit of anxiety in a kiss or escalation, as atleast that would add to the tension.

  4. Ash says:

    You’re asian? I remember using that as an excuse before too.

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