Archive for September, 2012

Number closing

Posted: September 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

It’s not often I give advice on this blog; I don’t rate myself as good enough at game to do so in the most part. Despite this I did see some posts recently on Reddit that got upvoted quite highly that lead ,e to think some people out there could actually benefit from my advice.

First there was ‘10, 5, 3, 1‘. This post was basically a guy saying it’s a numbers game (true to a certain extent). He takes 10 numbers. 5 respond, makes dates with 3, 1 actually shows up on a date. Many people agreed that that seemed about right. I thought that was fucking crazy.

Next there came ‘Never ask a girl for her number‘. This talks about something that seems to get mentioned all of the time on Reddit. People there seem to be in love with this concept of turning getting a girls number into an order, rather than a request. For example saying, “Give me your number” instead of, “Can I have your number?”. People all said this sounded bad ass, and even better, just handing a girl your phone without saying anything would make you appear to have god like confidence. Again, this is all bollocks in my opinion.

Number closes are useless

A girls phone number is a useless string of digits. The aim of each interaction is sex, not obtaining a string of useless digits. The reason we take a girls number is to take them out on a day2, after which (or maybe after a day3) we try and take them home to have sex with them. This means we shouldn’t be taking numbers, we should be taking the numbers of girls who want to see us again.

I think when guys first start out it’s ok just to try number closing any girl they’ve talked too. At first it can be nerve wracking taking a girl’s number, and guys need to get used to this so they don’t get nervous when doing it. Also it’s easy for newbies to underestimate how much a girl likes them, and so if he doesn’t try and close every set he’ll be missing out on girls who like him.

After a guy’s got used to taking numbers, I think he needs to be more discerning. He needs to be getting on well with a girl before he asks for her number, and the interaction must have a romantic undercurrent. Both these things come across as a certain flirty / positive vibe. I think of it as the “it’s on vibe”. If this isn’t there, taking the number is pointless. She’ll either flake or he’ll end up on a ‘friendly’ rather than romantic day2 with the girl.

Some people say just work the numbers game. Keep the interactions really short and go for volume. This may sometimes be a necessity in day game, but in club / bar game when you have more time I don’t think this is a good idea. The problem I have with it is that it means you never really learn how to help create the it’s on vibe (I say help create, it’s partly down to the girl so you can’t force it), so it’s hard to improve your game. Also, I’m a big believer that one of the most important, but also most overlooked, points in game is that guys should strive to maximize their time with interested, sexually available girls, and minimise their time with uninterested or not sexually available girls.

Look at it this way. Say a guy approaches 10 girls. I think for most guys maybe 1 girl out of those 10 is a reasonable prospect in terms of how interested and sexually available she is. Spending the same amount of time with all 10 girls is obviously stupid and inefficient.  It’s much better to spend a lot of time with that one girl, build up the most rapport possible so she’s less likely to flake on you due to lack of comfort, and to just eject from the other 9 sets quite rapidly. If you don’t do this and come away from those 10 sets with say, 5 numbers, you’re then going to put time and effort into chasing 4 dead ends. Then you get into red herring territory when you go onto PUA forums asking about better phone / text game to help with your 80% flake rate.

In summary, I’d say focus on the vibe of an interaction. How much you like her and how much the two of you get on, and make sure the sexually / romantic intent is there. When that it’s on vibe is in place a solid number close follows as surely as night follows day. If you have to use techniques which make it hard for a girl to reject a number close (for example saying, “Give me your number” instead of, “Can I have your number?”) you’re just asking for a flaky number. Pointless.

Hypergamy in action

Posted: September 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

Hypergamy refers to women’s instinct to seek out a mate they believe is above them in the social hierarchy. This is why being the alpha male, or leader of the group is considered so important in the seduction community. If you’re right at the apex of the male social hierarchy, you will be very attractive to women.

I recently got the chance to hear about this in action, and found it very interesting. It’s always insightful when ever a very theoretical part of game manifests itself in a practical and obvious way.

Earlier this week I fclosed a girl (not hot, if I’m honest) that I met at a singles night (I’m starting to think these could be really fruitful when I actually start opening the hotter girls that go there…). On our date we got talking about her life, and it turns out her martial arts club is a big part of it. She joins in with all the social events, so the club is her core social group. The club is part of a large London wide association, so members have the opportunity to meet lots of people.

The conversation soon comes around to fucking that goes on within the club / association. Turns out its so common that there’s actually a competition (not official, of course!) complete with a point scoring system.  Basically, the higher the belt / grade of the person you have sex with, the higher the points.

She went on to tell me that most girls have a much higher score based on this system than the men. I asked her why this was. Firstly, there are more men than girls. This means the points are spread more thinly for the men. Secondly, she told me girl’s wouldn’t like to have sex with a guy who was a lower grade than them, meaning that for every hookup the guy would generally get less points out of it than the girl.

This is the interesting thing. The women weren’t choosing their sexual partners in order to maximise points for the competition, it just wasn’t that serious. Yet they would only fuck upwards in terms of grades, never down. I asked her if she would ever fuck a guy of a lower grade, if he was hot. She said no. I asked her to explain this. I told her it made little sense. After all, if I joined tomorrow I’d be a white belt, right at the bottom of the pile. Does that suddenly make me unfuckable?

She couldn’t really explain this. Thinking about it gave her a slightly puzzled look on her face. It’s like when Heartiste talks about the rationalisation hampster within a girls head. Each time she has to try and explain a decision that was made by the primitive animal part of her brain (the hindbrain) logically, the hampster spins in its wheel, trying to come up with a logical rationalisation to explain her choices. The hampster was spinning hard for this girl.

She just ended up saying the lower belts weren’t good enough for her. They were beneath her. Being part of a large association, I doubt this can be true. She isn’t hot, and so there must be many guys of lower grades that have a higher sexual market value than her when evaluated outside the context of the organisation.

I think the dynamics of a martial arts club roughly mirror a tribe back in caveman days. A large club would be roughly the same size as a tribe. The higher the belt you are the more people you teach, which mean more people defer to you. Given what we know of game its no surprise that girls are ‘mysteriously’ attracted to guys if higher grades than themselves.

Working on my Outer Game

Posted: September 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

Many of my recent posts have been inner game related. Although inner game is the foundation on which everything else is built, outer game, or actual physical and verbal behaviours, are still important.

My main issue is that I have fallen into the habit / am stuck in the comfort zone of almost exclusively doing a very particular kind of approach. It nearly always goes down like this:

  • See girl on dance floor
  • Try and get eye contact
  • Regardless of whether I get eye contact or not, hold out my hand to her and try and get her to dance with me. Or maybe say hello and a few other things and try and get her to dance with me.
  • Chat a little whilst we dance, gauge interest, try and kiss close.
  • If she’s up for more than a dance take her somewhere quiet, talk to her more and take it from there.

That’s probably like 80% of my approaches. The other 20% will be:

  • Wandering through club, see girl I like
  • Go and say hello to her, introduce myself
  • If conversation hooks, take her to the dance floor after a few minutes, escalate
  • Take her somewhere quiet, talk to her more and take it from there.

The first approach is always going to be really low percentage. I hate talking and it’s non verbal so I really like it, but too many girls will just instantly blow me out due to the physical nature of my approach, when they may not do if I chatted to them for 5 minutes first. I need to do more verbal approaches. I actually think my verbal approach is slightly off because I just don’t practise it enough. I can’t put my finger on what exactly isn’t quite right about it, but that doesn’t really matter; it will self correct after enough practise.

I will have to admit I still have some AA when it comes to verbal approaches. It’s more the not wanting to have a conversation that stems from my introverted nature than sheet terror of approaching. This became obvious when I started going to singles nights. There’s no dance floor and the music isn’t that loud, so it’s all verbal approaches. I didn’t really open, I just let girls open me. And ended up going on dates with ugly girls, each of the three times I’ve been.

One type of set I don’t like approaching is when there’s a group of girls stood in a circle talking. I don’t like these approaches because all of the girls seem very closed off in their own group, with their backs facing the outside world. I should be approaching more sets like this.

Action plan time. I don’t really want to put an exact numerical figure on how many verbal approaches I should make in one night. I really don’t like the idea of doing that. A night out in a club should be dynamic and fun, and trying to hit an exact numerical target gets in the way of this. Trying to hit numerical targets also distracts from the core goal of any night sarging a club; getting laid, preferably an SNL. My solution to this is to limit the amount of time I spend on the dance floor. When I’m not on the dance floor I’m much more likely to make verbal approaches.

I’ll let myself be on the dance floor until 10pm. It’s a good way to get into good state and do some easy approaches at the beginning of the night. Limiting my time there will also mean I probably open more sets there because I know my time is limited, so it’s all good. I’ll allow myself another go on the dance floor, but only for half an hour. Probably from 11:30 till midnight. This will give me a chance to recharge from all the talking I may find myself doing.

Online dating observations and tips

Posted: September 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

I haven’t been having a great time with online dating at the moment, mainly because my heart just hasn’t been in it, but partly because of some of the things I’ll mention below. Here are some observations I’ve made from my time on online dating. Some my be helpful, other stuff just interesting trivia.

Time Wasters

There are many time wasters online. Girls that are basically using it as a glorified facebook, soaking up the male attention. I’d say this is around least 30% of girls. To avoid this, go for the number fast (I do it on about my 3rd message to them), and then try and get them out on a date fast (after a 15 / 20 minute phone chat).

If they still seem unsure after that, or won’t give you their number when they first ask, assume it’s either a shit test or that they’re time wasters. Just say something like, “You seem like a cool girl, but seem shy about giving me your number / meeting up. Although I understand, I’m on this site to date people face to face. If you change your mind send me your number / text me when you’ll be free later this week and I’ll take it from there”. Don’t phrase this message rudely or make it seem like she’s pissed you off, because if it’s a shit test you’ll fail it by doing so. At the same time, stick to your guns. Don’t contact her again unless she complies with your request. It’s really not worth your time as there are plenty of girls in a big city looking for dates.

Moving fast

You have to move fast. When I say fast I mean you should be looking for a time period of no more than about 10 days between first message and first date. Try for less if possible, but without coming off as desperate to get her out on a date. Girls are getting loads of messages online, and getting loads of dates (unless they are time wasters). Cold approach is a different ball game. Although after you’ve opened them they may want to go on a date with you, and will have on some level been open to meeting a guy, it’s doubtful they’re going out on loads of dates. They were just lucky to run into a man worth going on a date with. Girls online are very actively dating, with many of them going on 3 dates a week. I’ve heard of girls going on up to 5 dates in a week, sometimes doing 2 in one day. And I thought PUAs were bad…

The point here is that leaving too many gaps between messages or setting up dates will mean you are quickly forgotten and will be ignored, as other potential suitors quickly take your place. A guy she’s met face to face and likes will shoot up in terms of her priorities over guys she’s just talking to online / texting. Also the longer you leave it the more chance there is that she meets a guy she really likes, and so decides to stop going on dates.

The practical lessons from this is:

  • Don’t leave long gaps when replying to her messages to seem aloof, this is not the same as texting after a cold approach. It’s possible to number close over an exchange of 3/4 messages each which happens over the course of 60 minutes one night. Aim for this.
  • Set up a phone call as soon as possible after you get her number. Potentially even as soon as you get it.
  • Go for setting up a date during the phone call or by texting her the next day after the call.
  • Set up the date for as soon after the call as possible. Next day is a bit much. Obviously do this without coming across as being needy. Just because you arrange a date for 2 nights time doesn’t mean you have to come across as desperate.

I’m constantly breaking my own advice on this at the moment, out of laziness. The result it many missed opportunities as I realise I haven’t texted a girl whose number I got a week ago, or I take 3 days to message a girl back online and they go cold.

Certain times of the year are better than others

Online dating has seasonal fluctuations in terms of how effective it is. I’ve found August / September to be tough because girls are going on holiday around this time. I keep getting told, “BTW I’m on holiday for 2 weeks this Thursday” in the same message as the girl gives me her number. This never works. You can’t really pick up an online dating lead after two weeks. These leads have always died on me. This happened to 3 girls I number closed in a row earlier this month. In contrast to this late January and February are meant to be ideal (never been on a dating site during these months so just going off what I’ve read). This is for a few reasons:

  • Many girls break up from unhappy relationships around the festive time
  • Many people think new year = new start, so girls use the changing of the year as a catalyst to find a new man
  • Valentine’s Day is in February. Girls hate being alone then.

So the perfect stratagey: sarge from the comfort of your own home in the colder months, and move it to the street / clubs in the summer when it’s warmer and girls are wearing less clothes.

Use a phone call to build comfort

Although it’s not 100% necessary, I think it’s always a good idea to chat to the girl for about 15 minutes on the phone after you get her number. Girls can be wary of meeting  a guy off the internet for the first time. Just a short phone chat can make you feel like more of a ‘real’ person to them. Also, as long as you don’t fuck the call up, it will put you ahead of all the other guys who are just chatting to her online / texting her. You’re more real than them because she’s heard your voice.

I haven’t been doing this lately, and so less numbers are converting to dates.

Always keep a strong pipeline

You may get to a point where you’re talking to  a few girls online who you think are all good prospects. At this point, you may well decide that you don’t need to message or follow up with any more  girls, thinking you have enough good leads to keep you busy. This is a mistake. Three strong prospects can disappear fast online. That’s just the nature of online game. You don’t know how serious they are until you’ve met them. Also, when you meet them they may turn out to be a lot less attractive than their profile pictures led you to believe. In this case they may no longer be a viable prospect in your eyes.

Until you’ve met a few girls and have decided they are strong prospects, keep the pace up with the messaging of new girls. Keeping the pipeline going also fits in with the moving fast thing. Don’t keep a number of girls on ‘hold’ as you try and wait to make sure the ones you end up on dates with are the hottest / easiest. Putting girls on hold as you wait for other options to come through breaks the pipeline and girls will just drop off your radar because you aren’t moving fast enough.

Keep forging ahead arranging dates at the pace I previously talked about. Then if better prospects come through, cancel dates you already have with less attractive girls. Harsh I know, but your in this for your own interests.

I’ve been making this mistake a lot. I’m limiting myself to two online dates a month, and so I want to make sure I get the best possible two girls out on dates. This leads me to keeping a few  girls on the back burner burner by telling them I want I date but am busy at the moment, whilst I wait to see if one of the hotter girls I’m talking to will go on a date with me. I come off as so indecisive when I do this. From now on I’m going to be setting up dates with any girl who is at least a HB6. I’ll still try and push to get the 7s/8s out, and if this happens cancel on the 6s.

Being tall probably really helps online

I’m (almost) completely honest about my height online. I put it as being 5’10” (what difference does an inch make…). I’m sure if I was 6ft+ I’d do better. There are two reasons for this. Firstly, this is a really easy way for girls to filter guys out online. Secondly, I have noticed a disproportionate number of women online are above average height for girls. The average height for a woman in the UK is about 5’4″, yet I’d guesstimate the average height for a girl on POF is about 5’6″. You get loads of 5’9″ women too, which for a girl is almost a giant. Also many of the hotteer girls are really tall.

My theory behind there being so many tall girls online is that taller girls find it harder to get a suitable man. Girls pretty much always want a guy taller than them. Often even when they’re wearing heels. This means girls who are quite a bit above average height are going to have less men to chose from. Only around 15% of men in the west are over 6ft tall (although each generation is getting progressively taller, with the average male height in the UK set to hit 6ft within a couple of generations. I thought all the young lads in clubs looked like giants…), which means a 5″9′ girl probably doesn’t have that many men to chose from. Even fewer if she’s very attractive and so has very high standards. I think this possible lack of choice means that tall attractive women have to resort to online dating to help improve their prospects.

The hotter girls are often from smaller towns

I’ve found this to be true when living in London, but it’s probably the same where ever you’re in a large, affluent city. Most of  the hottest girls that visit my profile don’t live in London. They’ll live in towns / small cities in the out lying counties: Kent, Hertfordshire, Buckinghamshire, Essex. I consider these girls too far away to date.

I think the reason for all this is that many men who have high value traits such as drive, ambition and a spirit for adventure tend to be drawn to London like moths to the flame. The rest of the UK just can’t compete with London in terms of excitement and career opportunities. I’ve often had women from the small towns / cities near london who I meet in clubs complain to me about the men who live in their area, and how they don’t compare favorably to London men. I’m guessing this is because most of the best young men from the surrounding area get drawn to London, leaving the less driven and ambitious behind.

I remember when I was in a small town near Birmingham for an engagement party a couple of years back with my then girl friend. The men I met at the party seemed like OK blokes, but they did all lack something that many guys I meet in London have. They had all lived in that little town all their life, and would probably die their. They lived within their comfort zones permanently. They just seemed to have little vigour about them.

All this leads to hot girls who live just outside London to turn to online dating and check out London men, because they just aren’t impressed with the local dating pool.

I wanted to follow up on my last congruency post to see how I’ve progressed. First just a quick rundown on how last week went in general, to give some context.

Well, life’s pretty much fucked me in the ass. Just as I am at a critical point in my development, and I really do think the next 6 months are make or break for me, something has happened which threatens it all.

I’m not going to go into specifics, but I’ve had a (non life threatening)  medical condition for the past 10 years. It won’t kill me, but it can at times make life very uncomfortable, both causing me physical discomfort and lack of confidence. This condition had been completely dormant for the past 3 years, until 10 days ago when it came back with a vengeance. I have only just realised that it is certain exercises at the gym that have set it off. I haven’t been to the gym in three years until I started going again 2 months ago. Now my problem has returned.

A surgical option does exist, but it would mean being off work for at least 6 weeks, possibly more (a lot more). It really depends on the procedure and my specific case. With this hanging over my head, to be honest I’m growing massively depressed. This could mean really fucking my life up for a long period of time, and at such a critical moment.

I did take a girl home from the club this Friday. She was a bit on the old side (over 30). She would have been very attractive in her day but has hit the wall I’d say. She wouldn’t let me fuck her but we both went down on each other so I got a bj. She’s keen to see me again, she said so multiple times and she texted me a long text on Saturday night. I’m not going to see her again. I felt no connection to her on a personal level whatsoever. I just felt so disconnected from her throughout the whole pickup. It was like I wasn’t even there. It did happen quite fast (2/3 hours meet to bed, including the bus ride home).

On Saturday I kclosed a 19 year old American Student with a whooty (white girl booty, which I love), and got my hands all over her. I let myself get carried away getting physical instead of isolating and blew it.

Ok, so measuring this week for congruency:

  • Continue working out hard 3 times a week Only managed 1 day, due to my medical condition. +1
  • Do better at maintaining a strict(ish) diet so that I can add lean muscle mass (max 2 cheat meals a week, no missed meals or supplements). Did Ok, but not great. Need more calories, although on weightloss at the moment due to lack of gym +2
  • Stop smoking 8 packs smoked. -8
  • Approach girls I find attractive during the day on the spur of the moment (i.e. don’t have specific day game sessions, just go after girls I see). Since this will be done sober and scares me a little (has been a while since I’ve done a day approach, barring the carnival), my minimum target will only be two a week for this month. Saw 3 girls I could have approached. Pussied out each time. Saw a forth girl on Sunday and actually started to approach. Then she drapes her arm over some guy, obviously bf so I abort. -6
  • Maintain a better standard of dress at all times, not just when going sarging or on a date (I have a habit of often dressing like shit and not shaving / doing my hair at other times). This is important for the above point. Dressed better on most days +3
  • Spend at least 5 hours a week doing productive work (ie blogging, on here or my other blog, career development). Time to  be logged. Did 2.5 hours +2
  • Spend at least 5 hours a week reading. Time to be logged. Didn’t log the time but read nearly a whole book. Way over 5 hours. +5
  • Spend no money on sexual services of any kind. Win. +5
  • Fap no more than twice per week. Whoops. 8 Times. -8
  • Don’t waste money on pointless things like eating out and caffeine drinks when not necessary. Be frugal. Didn’t do well, but not awful. -4
  • Do one interesting / social thing per week that I wouldn’t usually do. Works night out & visited Brixton for the first time. +5
  • Meet new LSS people, befriend the ones I like. Only contacted via text, didn’t meet. 0.
  • Put in some extra hours at work when required (but not too many). Don’t slack off. Mediocre at this. 0.

Comes out at -7 (on first count). Big improvement from a couple of weeks ago, but still not great. Doing some spontaneous day game approaches would be a big win, but with the medical thing I’m not in the mood. Will do another one of these for next week. I think every other week is good enough to keep my on my toes.

Inner game revelation

Posted: September 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

I had a little bit of a inner game revelation whilst wandering the streets of Brixton today: I’m trying to derive my sole source of self esteem from being able to pickup and sleep with attractive women.

Although this is something that just came to me today, the seeds of this were evident in the very first paragraph of my very first post of this blog:

Different guys tend to respect differing qualities in other guys. For example, some men respect a man who can fight, while other’s think this is just a bit too primal and so aren’t impressed. Other men respect a man who can make loads of money in business, but other’s believe this to be overly capitalist and not the true value of a man’s worth. There is one quality that nearly all men universally respect in other men though. The ability to repeatedly and effortlessly woo women.

Today it just clicked. In my head I believe that no matter how much I fuck up or under achieve in any or every other part of my life, if I can regularly cold approach and lay attractive women, I will never be thought of as a loser. Men will always envy another man’s ability to do this. Think about it. One man may be the CEO of a company, pulling in £500k a year in salary, but still be unable to regularly attract and fuck hot women (call girls don’t count because I’m talking about ego here, not just sexual gratification). He on some level will envy a guy who works behind a bar but regularly fucks 8s and 9s.

Despite there being much truth in the fact that many people admire and expert cold approacher, I think looking to success at it as your sole source of self esteem is dangerous. In game you’re always taught that approval seeking is bad. Basing your self esteem on whether you can bed women or not has got to be the ultimate form of approval seeking.

Of course being good at pickup is always going to be an ego boost, I need to spread my self esteem sources wider than that. I need to find multiple things in my life of which I can be proud.

Congruency – Part 3

Posted: September 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

In part one of this post I talked about how I believe that most guys who get into PUA live there life in a manner which is incongruent to the type of man they wish to present themselves as when hitting on a girl. In part two I discussed the areas in my life which created such incongruencies. In this, the third and final part of this post I will talk about the changes I want to make in my life in order to be more congruent with this image of a well developed man which I try to portray when I open a girl

Since I’m a little behind on posting here and so need to rattle off a few posts tonight, I’m just going to do this as a bullet list:

  • Continue working out hard 3 times a week
  • Do better at maintaining a strict(ish) diet so that I can add lean muscle mass (max 2 cheat meals a week, no missed meals or supplements).
  • Stop smoking
  • Approach girls I find attractive during the day on the spur of the moment (i.e. don’t have specific day game sessions, just go after girls I see). Since this will be done sober and scares me a little (has been a while since I’ve done a day approach, barring the carnival), my minimum target will only be two a week for this month.
  • Maintain a better standard of dress at all times, not just when going sarging or on a date (I have a habit of often dressing like shit and not shaving / doing my hair at other times). This is important for the above point.
  • Spend at least 5 hours a week doing productive work (ie blogging, on here or my other blog, career development). Time to  be logged.
  • Spend at least 5 hours a week reading. Time to be logged.
  • Spend no money on sexual services of any kind.
  • Fap no more than twice per week.
  • Don’t waste money on pointless things like eating out and caffeine drinks when not necessary. Be frugal.
  • Do one interesting / social thing per week that I wouldn’t usually do.
  • Meet new LSS people, befriend the ones I like.
  • Put in some extra hours at work when required (but not too many). Don’t slack off.

This lot should be a good step in the right direction towards living more like I want to. Probably won’t be quite game changing, though.

Read part 1

Read part 2