Archive for October, 2012

Congruency follow up

Posted: October 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

This is a follow up from a post I wrote previously about congruency. For those of you that don’t know what this is all about, I have a number of metrics which I am measuring my actions against every couple of weeks. When I score low (close to zero or minus points), that means I’m not living my life the way I want to. A high score indicates I’m living as I wish to and making good progress to towards becoming the man I want to be. I hope that achieving this will make me proud of myself, which will help with getting girls. Once I score consistently high numbers on this I will add other measures in order to challenge me more and to ensure I’m moving forward. I hope to see a big pay off for this, but I’m guessing that won’t happen till sometime towards the end of next year. Good things take time. This is for the week commencing the 8th of October, as I was making a mental note of things that week.

  • Continue working out hard 3 times a week On a new workout plan. Did 4 days at the gym, plus 3 miles of walking on two other days. +10
  • Do better at maintaining a strict(ish) diet so that I can add lean muscle mass (max 2 cheat meals a week, no missed meals or supplements). On a new fatloss diet. Did really well this week, stuck to it 95% of the time +8
  • Stop smoking 7 packs smoked. -7
  • Approach girls I find attractive during the day on the spur of the moment (i.e. don’t have specific day game sessions, just go after girls I see). Pussied out of opening a few girls, no sets opened. Thought I was going to give up on this but really don’t want to. -6
  • Maintain a better standard of dress at all times, not just when going sarging or on a date (I have a habit of often dressing like shit and not shaving / doing my hair at other times). This is important for the above point. Dressed better on most days, hair done almost every day +5
  • Spend at least 5 hours a week doing productive work (ie blogging, on here or my other blog, career development). Time to  be logged. Did 2 hours +2
  • Spend at least 5 hours a week reading. Time to be logged. I read every time I’m on the tube now, which is 5 hours a week. +5
  • Spend no money on sexual services of any kind. One short webcam session. Whoops. -1
  • Fap no more than twice per week. Whoops. 6 Times. -4
  • Don’t waste money on pointless things like eating out and caffeine drinks when not necessary. Be frugal. Was very frugal. +6
  • Do one interesting / social thing per week that I wouldn’t usually do. Visited an exhibition at the Wellcome Collection. +5
  • Meet new LSS people, befriend the ones I like. Attempt made to maintain connection via text, no meetings. 0.
  • Put in some extra hours at work when required (but not too many). Don’t slack off. A lot of extra work this week. +5.

Shit, better than expected. +28 points. I need to do this more regularly though, as I feel this was one of my better weeks this month!

I can get my points up slightly by ironing all of my shirts straight after doing my laundry every Saturday. This is all that’s stopping me having a perfect score for the grooming metric (I nearly always do my hair now, so the only thing holding me back is wearing old sweaters / unironed shirts out of laziness).

The smoking would be a big win. With the cash from not smoking I could go out sarging 2 extra times a month, plus an extra day 2 a month. This would equal 2 / 3 extra lays a year at my current rate of success, and reduce my risk of heart and lung disease.

The approaching women in the street spontaneously is hard. I know I’m OK at it in a club, and so when I suck at it in the street (which I will do at first) the difference will be so hard it’ll make my ego hurt. I’m seeing so many hotties around that I really do want to do this. At the same time, it’s not priority number 1 at the moment.

The 5 hours of work a week is important to me. Much of this work (apart from writing this blog) will aid my career. Since I only go out sarging 4 times a month and go on a few dates a month at the moment due to money concerns, cash is holding back my number of lays a year. I reckon £6k a year more after tax would almost double my lay rate. This requires a better paying job, which means I do need to spend time planning my career moves / working on my skills. I’ve recently found out via research that IOS development (iPhone / iPad apps) is the fastest growing area in software development. Looking around the salaries they seem to be 20 – 30% higher than for what I do for the same amount of experience (I do PHP development). This has lead me to start learning IOS development, which is great as it gives me a goal to focus on. The only problem is I don’t have a Mac at home (you need a Mac to do IOS development) so I have to learn this stuff after hours at work on my work iMac. After my current work project is finished I’ll set specific goals for my progress in this area, and a time frame in which to achieve this (concrete, deadlined goals which are achievable yet challenging a vital for effective goal setting and progress).

By next year I should be ready to add new metrics to this list. These will probably focus on living a more interesting life (international travel, baby!) and expanding my social circle.

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Do looks matter: My theory

Posted: October 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

It’s probably the number 1 debate in the PUA community, far more discussed than even the whole direct vs indirect direct debate. Do looks count when it comes to getting girls into bed?

Firstly I need to make one thing clear. When I talk about looks I mean the entire physical package a man presents to the world, not just his facial features. I’m including in this: facial features, grooming, hair style, fashion, physique and certainly height. What I’m not including is anything that could count as a behaviour rather than a property of appearance. As such, for my purposes things like vocal tonality and body language count as behaviours and not looks. This is an important point, as a 5’8″ guy with an attractive face may count the fact that a 6’2″ friend of his does better with women then him as proof looks don’t matter. Since height is a very big component of looks, the taller guy may well be considered more physically attractive than the shorter guy with the nicer face, thus nullifying shorties argument that looks don’t count.

When it comes to this, the king of all PUA debates there are multiple view points I’ve heard:

  • Looks are everything. As long as you can talk to women nothing matters more than looks when it comes to getting laid.
  • Looks are meaningless when it comes to getting laid.
  • Looks make it easier to get women into bed, or at least help you get the lay faster from interested girls.
  • Looks are a factor but only a small piece of the puzzle.
  • Looks are only good for the first few minutes, it’s game all the way after that. Ugly guys have to use game to buy themselves those first few minutes.

I agree with all points to varying degrees, apart from the first two. The first two are the two extreme sides of the debate, and I have personally seen too much evidence against both to give either of them credit.

I have seen men learn game and go on to regularly bang girls who are more attractive than them. I’ve seen naturals that aren’t very good looking bang hotter girls than them due to their charisma. In all honesty these men do seem to be closer to the exception than the rule. They all have something going for them, whether it be natural charisma, learned game, extreme wealth or extreme social status. Any of these things are very hard to develop for most guys, and so very few guys seem to regularly bang women hotter than themselves. Yet it happens frequently enough that the ‘looks are everything’ argument can safely be disregarded as invalid.

I think the other extreme is wrong too. Looks do seem to have a huge impact on a man’s success with women. I’ve seen guys with good game ignored as soon as a girl catches they eye of a much better looking man. You just have to look at most couples when out and about to see that people usually pair off with a partner who’s very close to them in terms of each other’s physical attractiveness. I’m yet to see guys who are truly hideous do well with women. Based on this I think saying that looks don’t play an factor in getting laid is invalid.

As you may have guessed by now, my views on whether or not looks matter is somewhere in-between the two extreme arguments. In very simple terms, I’d say looks matter somewhat and are a definite advantage. In more complicated terms I’d say how good looking you are defines the ease at which you can get certain girls. I’ll now be more specific by using the 1 – 10 points scale for looks.

It all comes down to how good looking you are comparative to the girl you want to get. The following guide is how possible it is for a guy to get girls based on the difference (shown here in terms of points on the 1 – 10 scale) in physical attractiveness between himself and the girl. The points refer to the number of points difference between her and him. So -2 for a guy who’s a 6 will refer to a girl who’s a HB4.

  • > -2 points: Really easy and virtual 0 effort to get her. The main barrier will be that she actually thinks the guy is just making fun of her rather than making serious sexual advances.
  • -2 points: Fairly easy to get these regularly. She won’t shit test, but will probably go through the motions of him having to ‘win her over’. Basically he has to not fuck up too much, but there’s certainly margin for error.
  • – 1 point: This takes some effort. She may through out the odd shit test, and won’t be that forgiving if he can’t take her through the courtship ritual smoothly. She’ll be willing to easily walk away if he fucks up.
  • 0 points: It’s tough to get girls like this regularly. He has to catch her at just the right time, when she’s very open to meeting a new guy. She will probably shit test noticeably and he has no margin for error. She’ll probably be actively comparing him in her mind to other potential suitors, so he needs to stack up well.
  • +1 or more points: Unlikely. He’ll have to get very lucky.

One caveat is that this assumes the following:

  • The guy can approach girls and hold a conversation / escalate without turning to jelly
  • The guy doesn’t have a really weird vibe
  • The guy is at least round about average in terms of life achievement, more or less (ie not living in a card board box).

Does this mean that I think guys can rarely get girls of the same level of looks as them, and never better than them? No. The listing I gave is for guys who are basically average in terms of achievements and personality. They aren’t superstars but aren’t losers either, and have basically only mastered one part of game, the ability to take girls smoothly through the courtship process. Guys who have got this far with game will consistently be able to get girls 1 – 2 point below them in terms of looks. If they are not able to do this regularly, they are either not going out regularly, have yet to learn how to properly take a girl through the meet -> lay process or over estimate their own physical attractiveness.

So what’s required to regularly get girls at or above your level of physical attractiveness? The answer here is higher value. You simply cannot be average. I know it sounds cold and mercenary, but you must offer the girl some excess value to make up for the higher looks value she is brining to the courtship.

In a future post I’m going to go into some detail about what guys can do to improve their looks, and I’m going to look at why the seduction community seems so intent on ignoring the part looks has to play and convincing guys not to increase their physical attractiveness.

People in the community often talk about what level a guy’s game is at, or how good he is with women. Although there is some variance in how good guys are with women I do think that on the whole this is more or less a flawed concept. When it comes to being a player / ladies man / PUA (I’m using these terms interchangeably here, for the sake of argument), it’s a binary thing. You’ve either got it or you haven’t.

When I talk about this I’m talking about guys in the community who do get laid. I’m not thinking about the guys who are Omegas who have just come into the community for the first time and are hopeless at getting laid. Amongst guys who do get laid I repeatedly notice a huge divide. This is a divide between the average guy and the true player.

The average guys (I count myself in this group) do get laid quite a lot per year compared to the average bloke on the street. My lay count this year so far is 8 girls, and it’s roughly the same for two of my other regular wings who I’d consider to be in the average camp. When you compare this to the average male outside of the community it seems very impressive. Given that the average lifetimelay count for a man in the western world is around 8, doing this in 9 months seems pretty fucking player. This, however, is not the case. We haven’t got it. The relatively high lay counts we have so far this year are a result of two things:

  • Knowing the ins and outs of the human courtship ritual, how to effectively navigate it and the pit falls to avoid
  • Sheer effort put into getting laid. Results through quantity. I’ve probably had 25 nights out this year, cold approaching around 100 women. In addition to this I’ve also sent around 150 opening messages online.

Then in the other camp there are the guys who have got it. They always have a couple of fuck buddies on the go who are at least average looking. They get multiple make outs a night with average – hot women, or take numbers off that many women, depending on their style. That’s just an average night out for them. They lay a new girl around once every 3 / 4 times they go out, and the girls are never ugly. Sometimes their absolute lay count may be the same as the average guys, but only due to disparity in effort. An average guy who goes out 120 times a year may sleep with 10 girls. I true player may also sleep with 10 girls in a year but only go out 30 / 40 times to achieve that, and the girls will be hotter too.

Of course there is some difference in the results that people who are true players get. I don’t think these differences  comes down to differing levels of skill, but rather differing circumstances or levels of effort. For example the player who hits on 1,000 girls a year will lay more than one who hits on 200. The player that lives in a flat that’s within 10 minutes walk from all the good bars and clubs in the city will lay more than the player who lives 60 minutes out of town. The player who works in the fashion industry and so gets invited to social events where the place is full of models will fuck hotter girls than the player who sarges regular night clubs. None of this is down to  one player being more attractive to women than another, it’s just down to circumstances and effort. Beyond that I think there’s very little difference between guys who have got it.

So there’s a huge divide against the true players in the community and the average try hards. So what causes the difference?

Both camps tend to hit on a high volume of women, and both know how to effectively navigate the courtship ritual so they don’t miss out on fucking girls who were initially interested. In other words both groups are effective at moving women through the meet -> lay progression. The difference is the true players are significantly higher value than the average guys. They’ve got that special something that means that they’re in the top 5% of men.

Professional PUAs will have you believe you can fake higher value through good body language and DHV stories. Although there may be some guys out there who do just fake it in this way, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. I’m tempted to say impossible, but I don’t think that’s true. I think there is the odd guy out there who objectively has very little going for him but he can fake it like he has. I think that’s a rarity. It’s far more common that a guy actually has something about him that pushes him into that top 5% of men.

I think some things that can contribute to a guys value are as follows:

  • High self esteem
  • Extreme good looks (When I say extreme, I mean like getting on for male model. Just being decent looking isn’t that valuable to a man).
  • Social dominance
  • Interesting lifestyle (This can mean a number of things. Spending most of your time travelling the world lone wolf and having adventures and being at the heart of a huge and exclusive social group are both exceptional lifestyles, but at the same time both very different).
  • High status job
  • Wealth
  • High achiever
  • Knows what he wants in life
  • Ability to impose his will upon the world

This probably isn’t an exhaustive list. The point is that if you want to be in the player group just approaching women and getting used to taking them through the courtship ritual isn’t enough. That will get you laid if you stick at it, but fucking decent women will always feel like pushing a boulder up a hill. Although some lays will feel easy, you will have to have had around 10 hard nights out where you got nothing before you got that easy lay. If you want to move up to the next stage you must work on your value. You must elevate yourself somehow to that top 5% of men. If that sounds difficult, it’s because it is. Regularly fucking girls who are in the average – hot range is what almost every man wants to do but few achieve. Any time lots of people want something but few have it it’s going to be a very hard thing to get. Guys coming into the community need to realise this. As well as just approaching women they really do need to compare themselves to some of the best men out there. I know people say you shouldn’t compare yourself to others blah blah blah. I say that’s modern mediocrity inspiring bullshit spoon fed to weak minded people by other weak minded people. The best men out there are your competition when trying to fuck hot girls. If you don’t stack up well when compared to the competition you haven’t got a chance.

First off, I’m not knocking cold approach in anyway in this post. I really enjoy it, and it’s done great things for my social skills and confidence. That being said I do think that a not insignificant percentage of men who come into the seduction community shouldn’t be cold approaching. At least not at first. This is something I’ve though for a while, and it was brought to the front of my mind when I read a post by Good Looking Loser about guys who probably shouldn’t be approaching women. He seem’s to have the same thoughts about this as I do.

Cold approaching is probably one of the higher end social skills. I’d rank social skills from easiest to hardest as follows:

  1. Befriending people you are regularly interacting with (e.g. at work / school)
  2. Befriending people you don’t regularly interact with but are introduced to / warm approach (e.g at a party, meetup.com event)
  3. Seducing girls you know (social circle game)
  4. Seducing girls using online game or via other warmish methods like speed dating / singles nights
  5. Making new friends out of strangers (e.g hanging round a local bar and befriending people over time, almost cold approaching them)
  6. Seducing girls via cold approach
  7. Being able to easily enter an array of different, sometimes fairly exclusive social circles at will
  8. Being able to easily not just enter, but dominate different, sometimes fairly exclusive social circles at will (e.g. enter and become the social leader / alpha of the group).

This isn’t an exact list, and the order is slightly different for everyone. For example, #4 is easier for me than #3. partly because I have so much experience at online game, and partly because I’m a bit nervous about seducing girls I know already (e.g. at work), because due to my very direct nature and some of the things I say and do when trying to seduce a girl, there could be lasting consequences for my reputation in such environments. Personally I also find #6 easier than #5, simply because I’m an introvert and don’t have the same drive to befriend random people as I do to fuck random girls.

All the problems with the list aside, I do think cold approach with intent to lay a girl is quite near the top of the list. I’d say the average guy on the street can manage up to point #3 with a reasonable level of competency. #4 is managable to them with some extent. They could get a girl friend after lots of attempts at online dating, but I think many guys even struggle with that from what I’ve heard. Still it’s just within their grasp. For #5 you need to be outgoing and more confident than average, and can’t have very obvious major flaws in you’re personality otherwise you won’t make friends like this. #6 more confident still, plus you have to be good at handling women romantically, and be able to present yourself as sexually attractive. Repeated success at this level is out of reach to the majority of men (unless they put in a lot if practise, probably aided by reading up on game). #7 requires you to be well presented, extremely socially adept, very much a socialite and be able to offer people some sort of value. The final stage requires supreme self confidence, amazing social savvy and a very strong and dominate frame, as well as being able to offer a lot of value.

Having now met a lot of community guys, I’m coming to the conclusion that many of them can’t even manage the first 2 points effectively. I’d say at least 10% of guys I’ve met are lacking the confidence and social skills to do this. Some guys just have a weird vibe about them and can’t interact with people properly yet.

I’m not saying you have to master all the points before you can move onto the next one. For example, getting good at seducing girls using online game isn’t a pre requisite to learning cold approach. Thing is though, if you don’t have social skills good enough to master the earlier points, jumping straight in to cold approaching is like expecting a baby to run before he can walk.

Think about many guys like this who must take boot camps and you’ll see the absurdity. Take a guy who can’t make friends at work, and who can’t even socialize properly at a meetup.com event related to one of their own interests (e.g with strangers who he has something in common with). Take these guys who can’t even talk to other men like them on a very casual basis. Put them in a club. Now push them towards one of the hottest girls in the club. He then has to not only talk to her, but he has to also do it with romantic intent. To seduce her with a view to fucking her that night or sometime soon. If he can’t handle social interaction with men well, when you make him interact with a beautiful women (which makes him more nervous), and add a romantic ‘objective’ to the interaction (this adds to his nerves, plus makes things more complicated) he’s going to fail spectacularly. I’m sure you’ve all heard about building positive reference experiences. This is when you you do something you’re scared of and the outcome is positive. You store this in your mind so it becomes easier in the future. The reverse can also happen. When these unsocialised guys try cold approaching hot women it could quite possibly go so wrong that they begin to accrue negative reference experiences, leading to them feeling more nervous around women than they did before starting cold approaching.

Guys like this need to sort out their basic social skills first. They need some way to learn these without a seduction angle which complicates things. Just basic ABC getting along well with people. They should be looking to start off with meetup.com (or similar) groups based around their interests. As they become both more socially adept and more comfortable, they can eventually move on to cold approaching women.

So far I’ve only even talked about the social skills aspect, plus I’ve touched on confidence. In addition to just lacking the skills, I think a decent number of community guys have some sort of psychological problems which need sorting before they begin cold approaching. Look back over my approaches. It took me 2 years to get to the point where AA wasn’t my major sticking point (and it still is in daygame). You could just say I was lazy at it, and that I should have manned up sooner. The truth is, if it takes a guy that long to get over AA to a decent extent he probably has a psychological issue. Social anxiety disorder, probably. I think people with actual psychological issues like this aren’t quite ready for cold approach. For them the first step isn’t the seduction community, it’s a psychologist.

I’m not saying the types of guys mentioned here should never ever cold approach. I just think for some guys doing their first cold approach isn’t the first step in their journey. It comes later; there’s issues they need to sort out first. The community rarely recognises this, though. That’s because it’s very commercially driven, and the product the commercial guys are selling is basically cold approach training, not basic socialisation or (proper) psychological help.