Why many people in the community shouldn’t be cold approaching

Posted: October 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

First off, I’m not knocking cold approach in anyway in this post. I really enjoy it, and it’s done great things for my social skills and confidence. That being said I do think that a not insignificant percentage of men who come into the seduction community shouldn’t be cold approaching. At least not at first. This is something I’ve though for a while, and it was brought to the front of my mind when I read a post by Good Looking Loser about guys who probably shouldn’t be approaching women. He seem’s to have the same thoughts about this as I do.

Cold approaching is probably one of the higher end social skills. I’d rank social skills from easiest to hardest as follows:

  1. Befriending people you are regularly interacting with (e.g. at work / school)
  2. Befriending people you don’t regularly interact with but are introduced to / warm approach (e.g at a party, meetup.com event)
  3. Seducing girls you know (social circle game)
  4. Seducing girls using online game or via other warmish methods like speed dating / singles nights
  5. Making new friends out of strangers (e.g hanging round a local bar and befriending people over time, almost cold approaching them)
  6. Seducing girls via cold approach
  7. Being able to easily enter an array of different, sometimes fairly exclusive social circles at will
  8. Being able to easily not just enter, but dominate different, sometimes fairly exclusive social circles at will (e.g. enter and become the social leader / alpha of the group).

This isn’t an exact list, and the order is slightly different for everyone. For example, #4 is easier for me than #3. partly because I have so much experience at online game, and partly because I’m a bit nervous about seducing girls I know already (e.g. at work), because due to my very direct nature and some of the things I say and do when trying to seduce a girl, there could be lasting consequences for my reputation in such environments. Personally I also find #6 easier than #5, simply because I’m an introvert and don’t have the same drive to befriend random people as I do to fuck random girls.

All the problems with the list aside, I do think cold approach with intent to lay a girl is quite near the top of the list. I’d say the average guy on the street can manage up to point #3 with a reasonable level of competency. #4 is managable to them with some extent. They could get a girl friend after lots of attempts at online dating, but I think many guys even struggle with that from what I’ve heard. Still it’s just within their grasp. For #5 you need to be outgoing and more confident than average, and can’t have very obvious major flaws in you’re personality otherwise you won’t make friends like this. #6 more confident still, plus you have to be good at handling women romantically, and be able to present yourself as sexually attractive. Repeated success at this level is out of reach to the majority of men (unless they put in a lot if practise, probably aided by reading up on game). #7 requires you to be well presented, extremely socially adept, very much a socialite and be able to offer people some sort of value. The final stage requires supreme self confidence, amazing social savvy and a very strong and dominate frame, as well as being able to offer a lot of value.

Having now met a lot of community guys, I’m coming to the conclusion that many of them can’t even manage the first 2 points effectively. I’d say at least 10% of guys I’ve met are lacking the confidence and social skills to do this. Some guys just have a weird vibe about them and can’t interact with people properly yet.

I’m not saying you have to master all the points before you can move onto the next one. For example, getting good at seducing girls using online game isn’t a pre requisite to learning cold approach. Thing is though, if you don’t have social skills good enough to master the earlier points, jumping straight in to cold approaching is like expecting a baby to run before he can walk.

Think about many guys like this who must take boot camps and you’ll see the absurdity. Take a guy who can’t make friends at work, and who can’t even socialize properly at a meetup.com event related to one of their own interests (e.g with strangers who he has something in common with). Take these guys who can’t even talk to other men like them on a very casual basis. Put them in a club. Now push them towards one of the hottest girls in the club. He then has to not only talk to her, but he has to also do it with romantic intent. To seduce her with a view to fucking her that night or sometime soon. If he can’t handle social interaction with men well, when you make him interact with a beautiful women (which makes him more nervous), and add a romantic ‘objective’ to the interaction (this adds to his nerves, plus makes things more complicated) he’s going to fail spectacularly. I’m sure you’ve all heard about building positive reference experiences. This is when you you do something you’re scared of and the outcome is positive. You store this in your mind so it becomes easier in the future. The reverse can also happen. When these unsocialised guys try cold approaching hot women it could quite possibly go so wrong that they begin to accrue negative reference experiences, leading to them feeling more nervous around women than they did before starting cold approaching.

Guys like this need to sort out their basic social skills first. They need some way to learn these without a seduction angle which complicates things. Just basic ABC getting along well with people. They should be looking to start off with meetup.com (or similar) groups based around their interests. As they become both more socially adept and more comfortable, they can eventually move on to cold approaching women.

So far I’ve only even talked about the social skills aspect, plus I’ve touched on confidence. In addition to just lacking the skills, I think a decent number of community guys have some sort of psychological problems which need sorting before they begin cold approaching. Look back over my approaches. It took me 2 years to get to the point where AA wasn’t my major sticking point (and it still is in daygame). You could just say I was lazy at it, and that I should have manned up sooner. The truth is, if it takes a guy that long to get over AA to a decent extent he probably has a psychological issue. Social anxiety disorder, probably. I think people with actual psychological issues like this aren’t quite ready for cold approach. For them the first step isn’t the seduction community, it’s a psychologist.

I’m not saying the types of guys mentioned here should never ever cold approach. I just think for some guys doing their first cold approach isn’t the first step in their journey. It comes later; there’s issues they need to sort out first. The community rarely recognises this, though. That’s because it’s very commercially driven, and the product the commercial guys are selling is basically cold approach training, not basic socialisation or (proper) psychological help.

  1. Harold says:

    Great post. Besides seeing a psychologist, do you have any other tips or references for guys trying to overcome social anxiety disorder?

  2. betatopua says:

    Firstly, don’t rule out a psychologist if you really do have extreme social anxiety and have been struggling with AA / talking to women for months. I’ve never used a psychologist, but a couple of years ago CBT or something similar may well have helped me progress faster. The community shys away from this preferring instead to use dating coaches that can only really push guys into sets and who often can’t help to solve their deeper issues. I think people avoid the professional psychologist route because it seems extreme and they think that going is a and admission they have big problems. If you have big problems you need to admit to it and tackle them in the most effective way possible.

    Beyond that I’d say make it as easy as possible to interact with women. Ignore everything the community says about not using crutches and always having to do that hardest approaches possible to show how confident you are.

    Alcohol is a good example. If two beers and a tequila chaser allow you to approach, go for it. Again, ignore what the community says about not using crutches and doing it ‘properly’. In the beginning you need to get results any way possible. Make it as easy as possible to get results as fast results mean you’re more likely to stick with learning game. Most guys give up. This isn’t the same as chasing a quick fix. It’s just doing what you can to make things as easy as possible, as opposed to making them as hard as possible (e.g. you must go out sober and approach mixed groups with 5 people in them). You can also look into medication for social anxiety. There’s someone who posts as illuminatus on the Aaron Sleazy forum who knows about these things. Myself I just used alcohol.

    Also work in the easiest environments possible at first. Give speed dating a go. You get to speak to a dozen + women in a night in a romantic context without having to approach.

  3. Harold says:

    Awesome tips, man. Just found the post by Illuminatus. Will also give medication a shot.

    Thank you!

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