The real reason girls flake on you, and how to prevent it

Posted: June 3, 2013 in Uncategorized

Flaking is when a girl you’ve number closed never meets you for a day 2. Flaking, and how to prevent it, is much discussed within the PUA community, and is considered one of the most annoying aspects of the game by many PUAs.

The community gives us a lot of advice on how to combat flaking. The most common methods given to prevent it are as follows:

  1. Build more comfort. This technique assumes that the girl is attracted to you but, but flakes because she is not yet comfortable spending time with you one on one. You counter this by spending more time building comfort.
  2. Get her to invest more. Investment is basically where she puts in a lot of the work into the interaction, opening up to you. This causes her to feel invested in you, so she wants to see you again.
  3. Time bridging. Old school Mystery Method. This is when you make the date (ie agree on a time and place) during the initial pickup, and go into some detail about what the two of you will get up to on the date. This is meant to work for two reasons. Firstly, she commits to an actual time and date rather than just giving you her number. That commitment drives her to show up. Secondly, the future projection of you two on the date makes her more comfortable with going.
  4. Spend more time in set with her. This is very similar to 1) and 2). Longer sets simply make for more solid numbers because they make her more comfortable and she talks to you more.
  5. Better text game. Teasing can be used to build attraction, and you can build some level of comfort.

While I think all of these these points can help to some degree, they are at best minor optimizations.  There is one overriding factor that determines how likely a girl is to flake. In a nutshell, flaking comes down to one thing:

Girls flake on you because you are not attractive enough for them

I know many people will disagree with this. They’ll say, “There was this one girl. I KNOW I had attraction and she still flaked”. My answer to this objection comes in two parts. Firstly, yes girls will sometimes flake for reasons other than attraction. Poor logistics, life circumstances, really retarded text game and lack of comfort can all cause flakes. I do, however, believe that these cause a small minority of flakes. This is why I say the five points listed above are only optimizations. If you were to get these points down perfectly your flake rate would drop, but probably by at most 10%.

The second part of my rebuttal deals with the nature of attraction itself. Whenever someone in the PUA community says they “had attraction”, I know they don’t really understand the nature of attraction. People who talk about attraction like this understand it like it’s a switch. It’s either on or off. In reality attraction is more like a volume knob. It can be turned off (setting 0, no noise) where there’s no attraction, but once there is attraction it can vary in it’s intensity (setting 10 would be really high volume). Attraction is essentially an emotion, and all emotions vary in intensity. Take anger. If some one bumps into you carelessly in a bar you’d be angry. If someone rapes and murders your sister, you’d also be angry. Obviously the intensity of the anger would massively vary in the two different scenarios.

To really drive this point home, think about your attraction to different women, and how it varies from women to women rather than just being a yes / or no binary thing. I know for me it goes something like this:

  • <HB4: No attraction
  • HB5: Wouldn’t take her on a date, but would take her home from the club and fuck her same night if I met her towards the end of the night, and I hadn’t been laid in a while and she made it easy. Wouldn’t even ask for her number after fucking her. This is exactly what happened a couple of weeks back.
  • HB6: Would almost certainly take her on a date, but not if I was too busy. Would go on one, maybe two dates with her, and if I still hadn’t fucked her that’d be it. I’m getting to the point where I might not even go on dates with girls of this level anymore. Since first date lays are rare (they’re usually on week nights which make it hard, and I think girls just aren’t that likely to fuck on a first date unless they’re really DTF or really into you in a big way), it’s getting pointless for me. Wouldn’t consider a relationship for a girl of this standard.
  • HB7: Would go on multiple dates (been on up to five) with a girl this attractive. Would want to see her again after fucking her unless I really hated her personality.
  • HB8: Multiple dates, willing to put in a lit of effort. Definite relationship, possibly exclusive, unless her personality is intolerable.
  • HB9: Never number closed a girl this hot.

The point is this. A woman can be somewhat attracted to you (for example she kisses you in a club after a couple of drinks), but the intensity of that attraction isn’t enough for her to go on a date with you when you text her a couple of days later. The lack of attraction causes the flake.

The reason I think this to be true is that for me, the level of attractiveness of the girl is the number one factor that determines how likely she is to flake. All the other variables: length of set, investment, whether I time bridged, how far I escalated don’t seem to have much, if any impact on whether a girl will flake or not. It breaks down a lot like this:

  • HB5 and below: I don’t number close these girls.
  • HB6: Rarely flake. Maybe a 10% flake rate. Sometimes they even text me first.
  • HB7: It’s 50/50 as to whether I’ll get her out on a date.
  • HB8: Usually flakes. I’d guess an 80%+ flake rate,
  • HB9: Never number closed.

This fits in nicely with the idea of the differences between a man and womens sexual market value (SMV) being the main deciding factor in how attracted one person is to another person. Since girls are hypergamous they have a strong preference for a man at least one point higher than them on the SMV scale. This is the minimum most girls believe they deserve, but I think they’ll occasionally ‘settle’ for a guy on their level. Given I think a 7 is a fair judgement of my SMV, the patterns of flakes make a lot of sense. The 8s are above me so basically always flake. The 7s, on my level are hoping for better so often flake. The 6s have their sights firmly set on a guy like me so never flake.

So how to avoid flakes? Raise your SMV or hit on uglier women. Your SMV is the total package you present to a girl as man. It is a sum of your value plus your game. If you want to stop the hotter girls flaking you need to:

  1. Work on your game. Open lots of sets, and the next day (not the same night) analyse what you could have done better. Get advice on people who are better than you if you can, or read the better PUA blogs out there.
  2. Work on your value. Gym. Fashion. Grooming. Career. Lifestyle.

If you were looking for a quick fix, plug and play technique like the ones I mentioned at the beginning of the post to cut down flaking, I don’t think they exist. It’s going to take real work on your part.

  1. Jim Bacon says:

    Good post. Brutal truth. But at least when you are being honest with yourself and others you focus on what really gets results.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s