Posts Tagged ‘approach anxiety’

I’m now starting to approach much more regularly in clubs than I have done in the past. I’m starting to average 5 approaches a night, as opposed to 1-3 a night that I was doing last year. I’m sure this will soon climb to around 10 a night, which should I hope be enough to get me double figure lays this year.

So I’m putting in more effort than ever. The thing is, I’m seeing less back in the way of results. All my extra approaching is just leading to me getting blown out more often, not me getting laid.

People like to believe that the more effort they put into something, the more success they will see as a result. Although this is often true, it is not always the case. There are two reasons for this:

  1. More effort applied to doing something incorrectly will just lead to you failing more often
  2. If there’s a large element of chance involved in obtaining your desired outcome (despite what commercial PUAs tell you, pickup will always be a crapshoot, to at least some extent), you can go a long time without seeing positive results despite putting in a good amount of effort and doing things correctly. Ask any pro poker player who’s been playing for a long time and I’m sure they’ll confirm this.

So which one is it for me? Am I doing it wrong or just getting unlucky? I think it’s a combination of both things.

It’s fucking freezing in London recently, and this has had an impact on how many hot girls are in the clubs, and the male / female ration. Central London clubs seek to strictly control gender ratios. We seek to bypass this by turning up early to clubs, as bouncers often don’t let all male groups into the clubs during peak times. The result is you often get a roughly 1:1 girl:boy ratio. Since not enough people come out clubbing in such cold whether, the clubs will never be at capacity. As a result the bouncers have to let all guy groups in if they want to avoid having an almost completely empty club that night. This leads to a girl:boy ratio of about 1:2. It can be hard to find targets under these conditions as many sets already have guys swarming around them. The girls in the club get approached more often, and so the bitch shields go up. Cue the harsh blow outs. This is the ‘luck’ or external factor hampering my results.

When it comes to doing it right, I’ve noticed my non verbals have really been off lately: not smiling, poor body language, weak rapport seeking vocal tonality. I think this is mainly due to the fact I’ve been hitting on hotter girls and being more direct than in the past. These things make me nervous. When I’m nervous I find it almost impossible to control my non verbals. I know exactly how they’re going wrong, but I can’t fix them. If I’m nervous it comes across, no matter how hard I try and stop it. The self is always coming through. The good thing is that I’m aware of this and so can work on it. The bad thing is that this will go away when my confidence increases, but this is hard to do without getting any success.

The second area I’m having difficulty with is the maybe girls. Let me explain what I mean by a maybe girl:

  • No girl: You go direct, she instantly blows you out (83%)
  • Yes girl: You go direct, she’s obviously really interested and very responsive (2%)
  • Maybe girls: Doesn’t blow you out, but isn’t hugely positive towards you (either verbally or non verbally) (15%)

I’ve put approximate percentages (which are about right for me personally, but not anyone else) to show how many girls fall into each category. I’m at a point where I can get the yes girls when logistics or other external factors don’t prevent it, and I fail with the no and maybe girls.

Everyone fails with the no girls, but that’s OK. Quick maths tells me that if I fuck 1/3rd of all the yes and maybe girls then I’m fucking 1 in 20 girls I approach. Game on.

So I need to get the maybe girls (well some of them, some will be no girls who are being nice about it). At the moment I’m not pushing these sets hard enough. I’m doing the following things wrong:

  • Not escalating / not being persistent in my escalation when my first attempt is blocked.
  • Not attempting to isolate them / move them around the venue
  • Not putting effort into the conversation if escalation fails to happen / be accepted quickly

The result is I’m walking away from maybe girls rather than being blown out. This is bad. It leads to me thinking “What if…”. I need to push these sets harder.

I’m going to my favourite club tonight. Let’s see if I can fuck a maybe girl.


Roissy (now called Heartiste) once said, that when it comes to seduction, specifically approaching them, “He who hesitates masturbates”. This is never more true than when you get a solid approach invitation from a girl.

Your walking through the club, scanning for a girl that might catch your eye. You see one, and make eye contact. She holds it for at least a few seconds and you both smile at each other. This is the best approach invitation you can ever get. Approaching girls in this situation seems to have a very high success rate. Thing is, as soon as the girl locks eyes on you, that’s your window of opportunity. It’s very brief. There’s only a few seconds when there’s that spark between the two of you, and then it’s gone.

Of course, you can approach after the moment has gone, but it doesn’t have the same impact. Either the girl can feel rejected because you didn’t initially approach and go cold, or she can lose attraction because you seem to lack confidence.

A few nights ago I had approach invitations like this. It was early in the night so I wasn’t warmed up. A girl was smiling at me on the dance floor and it was obvious she was interested. Thing is, she wasn’t particularly hot. So much so in fact I was debating in my mind as to whether or not she met my minimum standard. I didn’t approach her. Later in the night I saw her kissing and leaving with another man. I realised then that although she wasn’t that hot, I’d rather have been in the position of deciding whether or not I wanted to go home with her, than having the decision taken out of my hands. I’ve decided that it’s best to approach borderline women who give you strong approach invitations instantly. You can decided after that whether or not you actually want to go home with them.

Fifteen minutes later the exact same thing happened with another girl who was slightly more attractive. It seems I usually get most approach invitations early in the night, before I’m warmed up. The only way around that is to turn approaching into a knee jerk reaction. A bit like the 3 second rule. I have to get myself into the habit of just going for a woman who is giving me approach invitations / who I find attractive without even giving it concious thought. Like it’s a thoughtless, unconscious reaction to a stimuli reaction to a stimuli, rather than a concious decision. If I can get used to doing this, approach anxiety and the missed opportunities it creates will be a thing of the past. This is something you should consider doing too, if you find yourself talking yourself out of too many sets. At the end of the day doing this is just a habit you need to get used to. When it becomes a habit you will do it without thinking.

Looking back at my approach spreadsheet (yes I’m a geek and I keep on of these) I realized that due to other things getting in the way I haven’t been day game approaching regularly for almost 3 weeks now. I gave myself a kick up the ass and headed straight for London’s day game Mecca, Oxford Street, after work.

I did the usual thing of smoking and listening to music for 15 minutes to get in the mood, then I went to work approaching. Only I didn’t. Usually these days once I go into ‘sarge mode’ I can go direct on the first girl I see who I like. It’s just opening loads more sets after that which is a problem.

Eventually after 40 mins I open a girl. I’ve been standing around getting progressively more nervous for the past 40 minutes and so the confidence just isn’t there. She looked like she was going to hook, but didn’t quite. On a good day I would have hooked her.

I’m a little disappointed, but I’m not beating myself up about it. Progress at anything that requires skill isn’t an upward curve, but rather a series of dips, followed by upward spurts then long plateaus. I had a dip a while back, and a spurt of upward progress soon followed. I think the same will happen now, so my day game should b on the up over the next week or so.

After my first set laziness took over and I went home. Fear and laziness are my sworn enemies.

On my way home I saw an advert at the tube station. Like many adverts this one centered on a picture of a beautiful women. I remember not so long ago looking at adverts like this and lamenting the fact I’d never get to fuck girls like that. Then I started in pickup, and I’d see these adverts and wonder if I’d ever be good enough to fuck girls like that.

Today was different. I looked at the picture of the hottie and knew I was good enough. I feel like all the pieces are there, now I just need to connect the dots. I’m a bit inconsistent and rough around the edges, but it won’t be long now. Something inside me has changed.

Stats since 1st June:
8 approaches
1 number closes
1 kiss closes
0 f closes

Or shopping center as well call it in the UK.

I’m lucky enough to live fairly close to London’s biggest shopping centre. On weeknights it’s not too busy, but there are always a reasonable number of quality targets around. After having a smoke and visiting the toilet, I approach the first attractive girl I see who’s on her own. This is progress for me, because until recently I’d spend ages wandering around chickening out before opening.

I use a very standard direct opener, and try and transition by talking about how I was so sure she was English, but from her accent she obviously isn’t. My approach is fairly weak as I’m quite nervous. My voice goes a bit mumbly, my body language isn’t awful but is a little shaky. I don’t make great eye contact with her. I’m coming to realise that it’s not so much what you say that stops and hooks girls, it’s the confidence you project when you’re saying it.This confidence is shown in the following ways:

  • Strong, unshakable masculine body language
  • Strong, mildly sexualized eye contact
  • A slow, smooth and booming voice
  • A sly smile
  • Not letting her initial reaction to you effect you in any way

She is hinting that she wants to go by saying, “Thanks” and keeping her body angled like she is about to walk away, so I let her go. I have seen other PUAs in this situation plough through to a hook and still go on to get solid number closes. I realised that I give up too easily, and can probably hook more sets just by standing my ground.

The bullet points given above are what I need to work on in day game. When learning a new skill, aimless practice is almost worthless. You have to practice specific things in order to improve. Some guys in game aimlessly practice for years and as a result end up never improving. I will focus my day game practice on these areas in a conscious effort to improve.

That’s set one. So far not great, but not terrible either. An OK first attempt for the session. It’s now that things go wrong. I go off for a smoke and a wander around the shops in order to reset for another set. Only, instead of taking 15 minutes about it I soon realise 45 minutes have gone by. It’s now starting to get late and I want to go home. At this point I mentally give up on the sarge. I decide to head for the exit, but will keep my eyes open for a target on the way out. It’s slim pickings, but I spot a latino girl (my favorite) struggling to walk gracefully in her 3.5 inch high heels. When I see her ass wiggling that seals the deal.

I go to move in but a guy trying to sell hair extenstions on a stall gets there first and makes his pitch. Fuck. I walk on by and hover near the Superdry store. I’m going to pretend I was just about to go in there when I suddenly ‘notice’ her. She finally brushes off the hair salesman and comes past me. I got to make my move, but there’s no room on her left hand side because of a group of guys standing there chatting. I switch to the right hand side. I’m coming up behind her. Almost alongside her… then she moves to her right causing me to kick her in the back of her foot. This just ruins the moment for me so I abort, and end the sarge.

On the way out I realised my main problem was laziness. Once upon a time I would have wandered around for ages, seeing the targets but pussying out of the approach. This time both times that I saw targets I did go for it. It’s just that most of the time I was just wandering around in a world of my own, not even noticing the targets. When it comes to approaching, the fear is starting to give way, and just like happened last year, apathy is setting in. The more sets I open the more it will start to feel mundane, so I’m really going to have to push myself.

Stats since 1st May:
18 approaches
3 number closes
1 kiss closes
1 f closes

As any regular readers know, my main sticking point has always been approach anxiety. Recently my AA has massively decreased (in day game, not so much for night game). So I’m opening loads of set now, right? Wrong.

When I hit the streets day gaming, I’m now usually able to approach the first attractive girl I want to. So whereas at one time I’d be wandering round for hours psyching myself up to open, now I do it within minutes of beginning the sarge. So far, so good. It’s then that the problem occurs. After opening my first set, opening more sets just makes me feel like a weirdo. I find it hard to open a set every 15 minutes without feeling like a sex pest.

Some guys might come back at me with some standard community responses like, “It being weird is all in your mind” or “That’s a limiting belief” blah blah blah. One of the definitions of weird is:

Of a strikingly odd or unusual character; strange.

Hanging around at the intersection of Regent’s Street and Oxford Street and approaching 4/5 women per hour with a view to starting a sexual relationship with them is unusual, because most people don’t do it. It is by definition strange. Look at it this way. If I’m about to leave work on a Friday evening and am asked, “What are you up to tonight?” and I reply, “Off to a bar to chat up women”, then some people would think I was a bit blunt about it, but they wouldn’t think me weird, as many men chat up women in bars. If, however I replied, “I’m going to hang out on the street and chat up women”, then this would cause some commotion. People would think me weird.

So, despite what the community says, intense day gaming is weird.

So where do I go from here? I can’t continue opening 6 sets and getting one number close a week. At this rate it will take me at least 10 weeks to get my next day 2. This will not do. The only thing I can think of is just to accept the weirdness. I have to tell myself, “I know this is weird, but it’s something I have to do to hone my skills”.

The two main things that freak me out are:

  1. Hanging around the same area making loads of approaches
  2. Approaching many times within a short time period (I have seen some guys do about 10 approaches an hour, for example).

To get rid of these things I’m going to do some stuff to trick my brain a little.

In each of my main sarging locations I will have multiple ‘loitering positions’, each around 5 minutes walk from one another. As soon as a set is over I will walk on to the next location, listen to some music / surf the web on my phone. Basically I’m trying to engineer a bit of a time distortion effect in my brain, making it seem like it was longer ago than it was since I opened the last set, so I don’t feel like a predator on the prowl. I’ll wait 15 minutes before I’m back in sarge mode, scanning for targets. When the 15 minutes is up I’ll open the next girl I like.

Stats since 1st May:
17 approaches
3 number closes
1 kiss closes
1 f closes

I was saying in my last post how I need to (temporarily) become an approach monkey in order to help with my AA. Last night when out and about on Oxford street, I noticed an example of just this in action.

I saw a bloke run up to an 8 and open her. It wasn’t a technically proficient approach as he failed to stop her and kept walking with her. About 30 seconds into set and a 9 walks by in the other direction. Another 30 seconds goes by and this guy gets blown out. He must have spotted the 9 while he was still in set with the 8, because as soon as he got blown out he immediately gave chase, despite the fact she was 50 meters behind him by then.

The most important thing I took from this was the fact that despite the street being quite busy and him bouncing from one set to another, no one apart from me noticed him. This is important because my biggest source of anxiety at the moment is the thought of passersby watching me open. This could help me internalise the truth: no one else gives a fuck if I open a girl on the street.

Stats since 1st May:
2 approaches
0 number closes
0 kiss closes
0 f closes

Approach Monkey

Posted: May 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’ve bitched a lot about approach anxiety on this blog. Brace yourselves because I’m about to do it again.

I used to have 4 major problems when it came to pulling:

1. Approach anxiety
2. Prematurely ejecting from sets
3. Having nothing to say in set
4. Fear of escalating / closing

I’ve pretty much taken care of numbers 2 – 4, but consistently approaching a decent number of sets still eludes me. Not approaching regularly means I can’t practise game regularly. I know if I can approach 100 sets a month (I go out enough to do this) it won’t be long before I’m getting laid regularly.

Enough bitching and whining. It’s time to take right action, as Tyler Durden would say. I’ve decided to kick things up a notch by taking a 1 on 1 daygame session with a paid coach.

I’ve trawled through the commercial section of the LSS and found a guy who meets my criteria: is cheap and has positive reviews when it comes to busting people’s AA. We’re just texting to schedule a date now. I’ll keep you all updated.

Stats since 1st May:
1 approaches
0 number closes
0 kiss closes
0 f closes

It hit covent garden today with a wing or a quickie daygame session. Within 40 minutes we had each opened our first set. He didn’t hook his. Mine hooked reasonably strongly, but she was leaving the country today so I ejected after a few minutes.

So far, not spectacular but a decent start. After getting the initial approaches out of the way (always the hardest part) we could then have easily gone on to do another couple of sets each in out remaining 50mins. 3 sets in 90mins isn’t exactly pushing it, but for me it would be pretty good going, and would leave me with a sense of achievement.

Then we decided to buy a smoothie and chill in Trafalger square. This, dear reader, is where we fucked up. This killed our momentum, and made opening again just as hard as if it had been our first set. If you leave it too long between your first and second set, any state / drop in anxiety you built ip from opening the first one has gone. The start of session psych up now needs to happen all over again.

In the end my wing approached once more, and I had a few I gave chase to, but bottled them at the last moment. I feel we both would have got 2 more approaches in if we hadn’t taken a break.

Now I realise this I can put a plan together. I’m plan to do the following:

1. Make most of my daygame sessions solo. I don’t want to be distracted from opening my second set.
2. No smoke breaks between my first and second sets.
3. No taking long walks through areas which won’t be target rich between my first and second sets.
4. As soon as I’m done with my first set I’m immediately value scanning for my second set. No ‘quick’ breathers between sets.

I think putting all this into practice will allow my daygame sessions to develop good approach momentum, which will help carry me through the AA and lead to me using my time much more productively.

Stats since 1st May:
1 approaches
0 number closes
0 kiss closes
0 f closes

Apathy has set in

Posted: August 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

A combination of a lack of results from bar game and getting dates and a lay from online game have lead to me feeling complete apathy towards bar game. I’ve barely approached in the past few months and this has lead to my approach anxiety returning.

The mix of AA and apathy has been potent. I barely want to go out sarging, let alone open sets. Obviously this is a fucking big road block on my quest to become a PUA. The only solution is for me to STFU and open.

On the bright side, I’ve really lost the feeling that I need to win girls over or impress them. This will help when I’m actually in set, as I don’t think I’ll ever come across as try hard.

I’m just arriving at Clapham high street for some sarging. I’ll let you know how it goes.


Stats since 1st August:
0 approaches
1 number closes
1 kiss closes
1 f closes

I think the title says it all really. Over the past few months I have got reasonably confident at opening indirectly. I still wanted to open more sets though.

In busy areas of London there are so many more viable sets wandering around during the day than there are hanging out in bars during the evening. This lead me to believe that the best way to increase the number of sets I open each month would be to take up day game.

I did a bit of reading and it turns out most PUAs favour the direct approach during the day. This is because most day time targets are moving them, and direct approach is the most likely to stop them dead in their tracks so you can start running game. In addition to this, during the day girls are often on their way somewhere, so they don’t usually have more than a few minutes to stop and chat. You need to be quick and to the point. The direct approach is the best way to achieve this.

I assumed the direct approach in the day would be easier than going indirect at night. Opening a one set is less intimidating than having to game group, surely? Not having to deal with bouncers and drunk people would surely make everything easier?

My assumption was wrong, dear reader.

When I actually got out into the field, my AA was far worse during day game than in the bars at night. I think it’s a combination of things that made this the case:

1. Going direct is more scary than going indirect, because you pretty much have to tell the girl that you’re into her as soon as you open.

2. Day game generally requires that you have to stop a moving target. This is more daunting than just approaching a stationary group.

3. In bars the music tends to be so loud that only the set hears you’re opener. Without the cover of music, and in a busy public area you worry that people will overhear your approach when you do it during the day.

The first few times I went out to sarge during the day I couldn’t bring myself to open. I literally spent around 8 hours in total wondering around some of the busiest streets in the whole of London, and didn’t open once.

Like I said, it can be fucking terrifying.

I vowed that today would be different. I headed to Covent Garden after having made a contract with myself. This contract stated that I would do two warmups and then three proper approaches before I went home. I would not go home until I was done.

I was there for over 3 fucking hours.

I did it though. Next weekend I’m going back. I’m making a contract with myself again. This time it’s to open six sets in two hours. Since I can see myself opening less than six in the allotted time, and then giving up and going home, I have included a clause in the contract. If I fail to open six sets on two hours, I will have to open a total of ten sets before I go home.

Wish me luck.