Posts Tagged ‘confidence’

When people talk about the qualities that a woman finds attractive in a man, again and again confidence comes out at the top of the list. I disagree. I don’t think confidence is nearly as much of an attractive quality as people believe.

This is a pretty bold statement which flies in the face of what people ‘know’ to be true about attraction, so let me explain.

Firstly, some level of confidence is important in bedding lots of women. Without confidence you won’t be able to approach and escalate (and therefore subsequently fuck) attractive women. In addition to this, a man that lacks confidence with women will often be perceived as creepy by the women they approach. Being nervous around women will turn them off, but this does not mean that being confident around them will turn turn them on. So confidence is just something that is needed to stop a man acting in an unattractive manner that will put women off, but it is not something that in of itself will attract women.

So if confidence is important, aren’t I just nit picking over small details when I differentiate between lacking confidence being unattractive rather than having confidence creating attraction? I don’t think so, because an over reliance on confidence as the be all and end all of attracting women leads many men to reach for the wrong goals and to dismiss other things which will increase their attractiveness to women.

An example of this is the common community response when told that increasing your physical attractiveness is key to bedding more / hotter women. Guys will typically say stuff like, “No, it’s not the looks that do it; that’s a placebo. It’s the confidence that results from looking better. This means increasing physical attractiveness is a crutch”. People read this and decide that taking steps to increase their physical attractiveness is a waste of time, and instead partake on mental masturbation filled inner game ‘journeys’ in order to obtain the magical, cure-all-your-women-problems gift of confidence.

Physical attractiveness is very important in getting women into bed, especially so when it comes to cold approaching in clubs. I’ve seen evidence of this with my own eyes, again and again. I’d rather look like a male model and have moderate confidence, than look average and have amazing confidence. No contest.

Also what I’ve seen again and again is that once you have what it takes to approach with a modicum of confidence, increasing the confidence of your approach to the point where you do heroic, ‘balls of steel’ style approaches makes no difference to your success. This is because the extra level of confidence you show does not cause the girl you approach to feel more attracted to you. An couple of examples:

  1. You and your wing spot a 3 set near the bar in a club you go and stand near them, and talk to each other. After a few minutes you turn to one of the girls and say, “Hey, how’s it going?”. This doesn’t require balls of steel.
  2. You are in the club and you spot a mixed 5 set seated in a booth. There’s a hot girl in the set. You don’t wait for a situation where it’s easier to approach her (e.g. she goes to the toilet), instead you steam straight in and go direct on her, loud and proud in front of all her friends. You win over all her friends with witty conversation, and AMOG any cock blocking beta male friends. This requires balls of steel.

The second approach is much harder in terms of the confidence needed to pull it off, but this display of extra confidence will not help make the girl attracted to you. Despite this, many guys are determined to get the confidence needed to do this type of approach. Being able to do this becomes more important to them than actually getting laid, and they start dismissing easier sets which are much more likely to result in a lay.

I believe that focusing on getting confident is a false goal in PUA, and is one that lead me astray. Focus on getting laid. Make that your sole goal when out sarging (other self improvement is obviously a great thing, but sarging in the club is neither the time nor the place to be thinking about that) to be getting a girl home and fucking her. Nothing else. You aren’t there to learn. You aren’t there to get confidence. You aren’t there to work on your self esteem. You aren’t there to have fun (although sarging is fun IMO). You’re there for the pussy.

This will get you laid the quickest. By following this goal you will most quickly see what works and what doesn’t when it comes to getting laid, and you’ll end up getting laid quicker than if you focus on other goals (like being confident, being Mr. Popular, being smooth, not being ‘that’ creepy guy). What you’ll then learn is that there is no quicker way to confidence with women than experiencing success with women. So you’ll actually gain this confidence faster than if you made confidence itself the goal.

I’ll leave you with a quote from a post by Alek Novy which talks about how people may be mistaken in thinking that confidence is highly attractive to women.

So, what gamers(and their apologists) are truly observing (but not intelligent enough to infer), is not that women are attracted to ‘confidence’ per se(as an independent variable).

But, rather that the men who tend to be successful with women in the first place(for whatever reason), also have a high confidence(justified expectation) of future(continued) success.

Stop putting the cart before the horse…


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