Posts Tagged ‘inner game’

A lot of guys in the community won’t go after certain girls because they feel that they’re simply out of their league; too attractive for them. This is often countered by well meaning but ultimately hollow platitudes such as:

  • “There’s no such thing as out of you’re league”
  •  “She’s probably really insecure anyway”
  • “Yes she’s beautiful, but what else has she got going for her?”
  • “It’s all in your head”

These statements all probably have a certain amount of truth to them, but it doesn’t matter. If a guy think a girl is too attractive for him, this thought is going to taint every aspect of his interaction with this girl, no matter what feel good PUA platitudes have been whispered in his ear.

And this is my problem with HBBrightEyes. She’s a solid 8 objectively and also just my type subjectively. This means I think she’s too good for me, out of my league. This mindset very subtly influences my behavior with her. For example sometimes I won’t say certain jokes for fear of upsetting her, or I won’t be as blunt with her as I should be at times. The most noticeable thing is that I didn’t try and kiss close her till the second date. This is unusual for me.

I’m also more likely to think that HBBrightEyes, and girls like her are ‘good girls’ or ‘not like that’ when it comes to sex. With these hot girls I’m suffering from what 60 Years of Challenge calls, ‘The myth of female purity’. It needs to be my mindset that these hot girls love nothing better than a good doggie style stuffing. If you treat girls like goddesses they will start to think they are. And goddesses don’t get down on their knees and suck of mortals.

I have realized that, other than this “She’s out of my league” view which causes me to head fuck myself and second guess myself when dealing with the hotter girls, there’s nothing else really standing in my way from banging them. If I could have the same thoughts in my head when dealing with a 9 as when dealing with a 6 then I’d have fucked 9s. This mindset, my lower perceived value, is the final deal breaker.

So how to improve this area? How do I start feeling entitled to the hotter girls?

As mentioned before, I don’t think positive affirmations, like repeating too yourself that you are good enough, help. It’s no good saying the words. You must believe them. The only way I know to truly change beliefs is by gaining experiences which contradict your old beliefs. Then you spend some time thinking about these experiences to positively reinforce them in your mind.

I need to gain reference points that prove to me I can get hot women. What reference points would these be? In ascending order of how powerful the reference point would be in terms of changing my beliefs they are:

  • Getting an out of my league girl out on a date
  • Kiss closing and out of my league girl
  • Fucking an out of my league girl

Think about it. If by the end of this year, if I have been on dates with about a dozen really hot girls, kiss closed a handful and fucked a couple of them, next time I’m face to face with a hottie it’s going to be hard for my mind to think she’s too good for me. My brain will search for experiences with girls as hot as her, and the positive reference points of dating / kissing / fucking girls like her will be found. My brain will then assume she’s within my league.

So how am I going to do this?

From now on the only girls I’m messaging on online dating will be girls so physically attractive that my gut reaction when seeing their picture is that they’re out of my league. At the moment I’ve been messaging mainly 7s with the odd 6 and 8, but from now on it’ll just be girls that are HB8+. The score I give them is less important than my gut reaction to them.

I’m aware that my response rate will probably plummet. At the moment I think 1 in 3 girls are responding. At a guess my new response rate will be about 1 in 10, probably 30 messages to get a date. I’m going to message 2 new girls a day so I’m hoping for 2 dates a month. From there it’s just a matter of pushing each date to the limit.

Of course the positive reference points aren’t my only means of attack. I will continue to work on my value; better looks, better body, improving my career and my lifestyle, but these things are beyond the scope of this post.

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Stats since 1st March:
10 number closes
6 kiss closes
0 f closes

 

Picture this.

Dave has chronic stomach pains for 3 weeks, so he goes to see a doctor. After a series of tests the doctor sits him down and solemnly tells Dave that he has bowel cancer.

The good news is, they’ve caught it early enough, and bowel cancer in it’s early stages has a 90% survival rate, if properly treated.

The doctor goes on to explain the treatment program. First there will be a serious operation to remove the tumor. Dave will have to have a colostomy bag for a while as a result. Then comes a course of chemo to make sure the cancer doesn’t spread to his blood. All in all, Dave will be very ill for a year. He’ll lose a lot of weight, feel tired all the time and be in some pain. After the year’s over he should have made a full recovery.

Dave doesn’t like the sound of that one bit. So much so, that he ignores the doctor’s treatment program, telling him, “Nah, just give me pain killers. That’ll stop my stomach hurting”. While this is true, Dave will then go on to die of cancer.

Who doesn’t think Dave is a fuck wit? No one would actually do that, right? Well, maybe not when it comes to cancer treatment. When it comes to improving at seduction though, the community has many Dave’s. It’s not just the seduction community. Treating the symptoms and not the disease is rife across all forms of self improvement.

Let’s take a look at some examples from the seduction community to illustrate my point.

One big problem many guys have is showing a woman their romantic / sexual intent. The core problem, or ‘disease’ here is actually a couple of things. The main one is a fear of rejection. When you let a girl know you like her, rather than just being friendly with her you’re putting your personality on the line and facing rejection. So fear of rejection is the big thing here. There is also the second issue here of men’s sexual desire being increasingly demonized in the western world (you can thank feminists for this). Some guys (mainly American’s I’ve found) view showing any form of romantic / sexual intent towards a girl as ‘creepy’ (American’s on PUA forums seem to use this word way too often).

So it’s the possibility of rejection / being creepy that needs to be addressed. Despite this people get side tracked by looking to treat the symptoms. The symptoms are:

  1. Looking for ‘non creepy’ ways to approach
  2. Trying to find a way to get a girl from their friendship circle out on a date without her realizing it’s a date
  3. Getting friendzoned all the time and looking for a technique to break out from the friendzone
  4. Getting into lots of really long cold approach sets, and have them fizzle out with no obvious rejection but no close (I’m not including number closes here)
  5. Spending loads of time trying to decipher a girl’s words / text messages / actions to work out if she likes him

Another problem is not being happy with the way you live your life, and you’re not willing to put up boundaries to how people treat you in order to maintain your happy life and vet who’s allowed in to your life. You see the symptoms of this when people ask for specific responses to specific shit tests. They’re trying to build themselves a suit of armor made out of witty comebacks to protect themselves from challenges girls make to them. If you’re reasonably happy with how you live your life, and won’t tolerate people treating you badly then you won’t fail shit tests. Examples include guys asking how to handle being asked why they’re at a bar on their own, being told by girl’s that they’re players, asking how to respond when asked what they do for a living if they’re a computer programmer, etc.

The last ‘disease’ is simply not being attractive to women. The symptoms of this are rife throughout the community:

  • Looking for ways to improve their conversation skills. Many guys asking about conversation skills on forums actually have conversation skills which are good enough for pickup. It’s just that girls won’t talk to them for long in the club. This is usually because girls aren’t attracted to them, rather than the guy not having the conversational skills to “get her to stay”.
  • Buying accessories like big belts, rings, necklaces. All of these things are fine as an extension of your personality, but if a guy isn’t attractive to women then wearing a cool pendant isn’t going to help.
  • Trying to learn good text / phone game to stop girls flaking all the time. If your last 10 numbers flaked, then that’s not down to not sending the right text (unless you’re texting them something really retarded, even then some girls out of 10 should be responsive).

I think I need to now sit down and look for areas where I’m just treating the symptoms, diagnose the disease and start a treatment plan. I would urge you to do the same. Look at your sticking points but go deeper than what’s just going wrong on the surface. Keep burrowing deeper until you have found the route cause. You’ll know when you find it because it will be a deep issue usually concerning either fear, poor self image or poor lifestyle choices.

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Stats since 1st March:
10 number closes
6 kiss closes
1 f closes

When PUAs talk about state or “being in state” what they are referring too is being an a positive emotional state, where you are lost in the moment instead of thinking about what will happen next. Words and actions just flow from you, without consciously thinking about what will happen next. I don’t know the science behind this, but I’m going to take a guess. When you’re in state your actions are primarily controlled by the creative, right side of the brain, without being constantly checked over by the logical, left side of the brain to make sure what you’re doing is good, proper and logical. When a PUA says he is “inside his head too much”, the reverse is true. The left side of the brain logically mulls things over, resulting in him seeming stifled and in-congruent.

Despite what a major PUA company may tell you, I don’t think that being in state is the be all and end all of getting laid. While it isn’t a magic cure all solution for a guy’s problems with women, being in state can help tremendously whilst sarging.  When in state you give off an aura of cool fun, and you aren’t constantly second guessing yourself. You’re body language and vocal tonality reflect this, leading to more positive responses from women you approach. Approach anxiety is also greatly reduced, since anxiety is caused by a fear of future events, and when in state you’re more in the present, and therefore thinking ahead a lot less.

So state is a good thing to be in when out picking up women. How do we go about getting into (and staying in) state? Most PUAs get guys to do stupid things, thinking this will unstiffle them and get them into state. This may work, but you also end up looking like the guys in the video below.

If you don’t want to look like a complete fucking numpty by doing the river dance outside the club, I may have the solution for you. I get into state by acting upon my desires.

In the past I may see a girl I wanted to open in the club. Say it was early in the night, and the situation didn’t seem right to me, I wouldn’t open her. I would decide that for various reasons it probably wouldn’t go anywhere at that stage even if she liked me (situation would make it hard to escalate), and so I wouldn’t bother opening. So I had the desire to open her, and didn’t. I have now learned that if I open in situations like this, even if it does as I predicted fizzle out quite quickly, a feel a lot better. It helps to get me into state.

There are also situations too, where doing the ‘wrong’ thing can help you get into state because you are acting on your desires. For example I see a girl wiggling her ass on the dance floor. I know that going and grinding on her from behind is the wrong move (it’s very low percentage), but these days I do it any way, because that is my desire so I act on it.

With this way of thinking, it doesn’t matter if you don’t see a girl you like for quite a time in the club. There’s no need to open when you haven’t seen a girl who doesn’t evoke in you the honest desire to go and meet her. When you will lose state is when you see a girl you want to open and don’t. This happened to me the other night. I got in quite a good state early, but then bottled approaching a couple of girls in a row, because they were both pouty 9s who I envisioned shooting be down painfully. I realised I was starting to loose state and feel like a loser because of this. So, the next time  I saw a girl who I wanted to open I went in straight away. It was a rejection (there were a lot of ‘lesbians’ at the club that night, apparently…), but it put be back into state.

It’s not just with approaching either. Once you’ve opened, if you get the urge to escalate / number close / do an in venue bounce and don’t, you will again lose state. You didn’t act on your desires.

Opening girls who you aren’t drawn to will help your state slightly, but not as much as opening the ones you really like. This is why this concept is slightly different to the idea of warm up sets.

Why does acting on your desires have this effect? I think it’s a self image thing. Acting on your desires makes you feel strong and in control of your own destiny. Failing to do so makes you feel week, and you get the sensation of not being good enough, of being a failure.

Give it a try. Next time you’re out in the club, listen to your inner masculine voice. The one that’s your DNA speaking out to you in order to fulfil it’s purpose of replication. The one that comes as a result of being the latest in a line of men who have successfully reproduced which stretches back over 100,000 years.

My day game ticking clock

Posted: August 1, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

I have a problem that’s effecting my day game. I’ll run after a girl. Stop her. Open her. Hook her. It’s then that it happens. The clock starts ticking.

In bar game, I feel no rush. It’s like I’ve got all the time in the world to chat to the girl. In the street, it’s different. Since the girl was going somewhere when I stopped her, I feel like there’s a strict time constraint on the set. 3 – 5 minutes at the most (talk about arbitrary).

If I’m to get good comfort with the girl, and get her to open up and invest with me, I need a little more time. Closer to 10 minutes. In addition to this, I think the ticking clock comes across in my vibe. It makes me feel uneasy, which in turn will make the girl feel uncomfortable.

Not sure how to get around this one. I think doing more sets will help. I’m still not completely comfortable in my own skin doing day game yet. I also think better conversation skills will help, as I’ll be able to chill out and relax into the conversation better.

———————————————
Stats since 1st August:
0 approaches
0 number closes
0 kiss closes
0 f closes

I remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that I’d be standing around in a bar or on the street wracking my brains for a good opener to use on a girl I’d seen. This is a phase many guys new to pickup go through, and it’s the same for chodes. It is, of course, completely the wrong mindset.

Chodes think chat up lines get you girls. They think if you go in with a good opening line, the girl will be impressed. She’ll love your wit,  like you, and you pull. Firstly, this is erroneous thinking. The opener is just an ice breaker. It’s just basically saying hello. It’s what comes after that which defines whether or not you fuck the girl. Secondly, the need for a good opener shows weak inner game. A guy believes he has to say something witty to start a conversation with a girl, in order to get her to like him. He can’t rely on his presence alone to open a set. The thought of going in with nothing but his personality laid bare scares him, so he seeks a magic bullet in the form of a ‘guaranteed’ chat up line. Of course, if there were any chat up lines guaranteed to pull, they’d get famous, all guys would used them, and no one would ever go home alone again.

If openers don’t open sets, what does?

Presence. That’s what I call it anyway. Many within the seduction community would call it value.

What do I mean by presence? How do you generate a strong presence?

To me presence is just what you sub communicate about yourself. These sub communications come in the form of body language, eye contact, facial expression and voice tonality.

Weak presence / low value

These behaviors will lead to a low percentage of sets hooking.

  • Timid when it comes to invading the personal space of the girl/s he is opening
  • Small, submissive body language like he’s trying to hide away
  • Rapport seeking voice tonality, quietly spoken
  • Big, supplicating, ‘please like me’ smile on his face and weak eye contact

Strong presence / high value

These behaviors will lead to a high percentage of sets hooking, and will get you attraction all on their on reasonably often.

  • Not shy about invading girl’s personal space. Gets stuck in when he opens sets
  • Strong, masculine body language. He won’t hide away from the girls
  • Voice is loud and slow. Voice tonality is somewhere between neutral and breaking rapport
  • Cocky grin on his face, strong eye contact

It’s all about what these things sub communicate about the type of man you are. While I wouldn’t go as far as to say words are completely irrelevant, bad words and a strong presence will do better than good words and a weak presence. I’m still working on my non verbals, tweaking them all the time. I’ll do a post soon on what I consider to be strong non verbals, and how to go about getting them.

Don’t spend ages trying to work out what the best opener is. Just go in with good non verbals, and “Hello” will be good enough.

———————————————
Stats since 1st July:
60 approaches
8 number closes
3 kiss closes
1 f closes

No, dear reader, I didn’t mistype the title. I didn’t mean to type, “I suck at approaching women”. I really did mean, “I suck at getting approached by women”.

Let me explain. As I go out more, get into better shape, dress better and move around venues more confidently, I get more approach invitations and get approached more often by women.

The truth is though, when I get approach invitations I often ignore them. When I get approached I often freeze, like a deer in the head lights. I just don’t know what to say or do. Being approached by women just seems to take me by surprise.

I think there are two factors a play here. Firstly, I’m not used to this much female attention. I’m not in the habit of taking advantage of these opportunities because it so rarely happened to me in the past. I need to get used to taking the ball and running with it when these things happen. This is just experience. I’ll get this just by continuing to go out.

The second point is something slightly different. It’s an inner game issue. When a girl who is an HB6 or lower gives me an approach invitation or approaches me, I assume she wants to fuck me. When the same thing happens with an HB7+ I assume she’s just messing me about. This tells me that deep down I don’t feel worthy of the more attractive women.

An example. I’m strutting through a busy central London club the other weekend. There’s a group of girls standing / dancing near a booth. I walk through the gap in the middle of them. I make eye contact with a blonde who was at least an HB7. I instantly eyefuck her as I do with any sexy lady that who makes eye contact with me in a club. She smiles, moves towards me and shoves her tits right into my chest. I assume she’s just messing with guys who walk by, so I carry on walking. I look back over my shoulder and some guy who was walking behind me is smiling at her. She waves him on. Maybe she wasn’t just messing with guys. Maybe she liked what she saw as I walked by. In the future I will strive to never have to ask myself the question, “What if…?”.

I once went to a whore house and didn’t get laid. True story.

———————————————
Stats since 1st July:
60 approaches
8 number closes
3 kiss closes
1 f closes

I’ve been in the seduction community for over a year now, and in that time have met many aspiring pickup artists. This has allowed me to spot some patterns.

One thing I’ve come to notice about guys who make rapid improvement is how they treat success and failure. When a rapid progresser has a bad set they usually instantly forget about it. If they make any obvious mistakes they’ll make a quick mental note of it, then move on. They won’t blame themselves for the set going badly, and they won’t dwell on the set. When they have a good set they will seek to replicate the behavior they displayed in this set in future sets. They will use their past success as a template for future actions. They also seem to spend much more time dwelling on their successes than they do on their failures.

This is a stark contrast to guys like me who have made very slow progress. We tend to spend a long time dissecting our bad sets in minute detail. We replay mistakes in our head. We take ownership of all our minor fuck ups and come to the conclusion we suck. When we have success we will be happy, but we often don’t learn too much from it, chalking this success up to luck.

This observation reminded me of a book I read Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. The author of this book tells us that our brains, specifically our subconsciousness can either be automatic success mechanisms guiding us to greatness, or automatic failure mechanisms. In order to get the automatic success mechanism you have to focus on the desired end goal, and use previous successful behavior as a road map which points you in the right direction to achieve that goal. Mistakes are quickly noted so they can be avoided in the future, but then are put out of mind.

I’ll remember this next time I’m out sarging. After a bad set I will not discuss it with a wing, or think about it much. I’ll be much better off just opening my next set.

———————————————
Stats since 1st July:
15 approaches
4 number closes
1 kiss close
0 f closes

I had a huge revelation literally 5 minutes ago. The only thing stopping me being a successful PUA right now is the fact I don’t believe I can be.

Allow me to explain. I’ve just started reading Psycho-Cybernetics. Despite the odd sounding title, the book is just a self help book. In fact, it is the granddaddy of all self help books. First published in the 1960’s this book was the first ever work to present the idea of ‘self-image’. I’m sure you’re all heard of self image, it is simply the way we perceive ourselves. The book’s author used to be a plastic surgeon, and noticed that operations he conducted to correct minor facial deformities often lead to the patient’s personality changing almost instantly. He saw people lacking confidence becoming social rock stars almost immediately after surgery.

This lead him to believe that how we perceive ourselves (our self image) directly effects how we act, and therefore has a huge impact on what we can achieve. He looked around for research by other people that would back up this claim, and he found it in droves. He found pupils who were failing maths classes that became straight A students with no extra study, all that changed was a teacher convincing them that they were capable at maths. In fact, some of the research he read was so astounding that it seemed that people were sometimes able to overcome what seemed to be genetic limitations on their aptitude for certain tasks, just by changing their self image and their belief in what they were capable of doing.

The author does acknowledge that people do have genetic limitations imposed upon them, but reasons that most people never come close to touching these limits because they are held back by poor self image. The images below illustrate this point.

low self image

A person with low self image doesn't touch the limits of his potential

Realistic self image

A person with realistic self image is able to fulfill his full potential

The author argues that if you see your self in a certain way, your subconscious will work very hard to make that image you have of yourself a reality. This means your subconscious has the ability to either cause you to fail or cause you to succeed in a given endeavour. It all comes down to whether or not you see yourself as being capable of succeeding. Believing you can achieve something doesn’t make it possible on its own, but believing you can’t achieve something almost certainly makes it impossible.

So what has this got to do with my bar game? Simple. Here’s how bar game should be going for me with the level of game / confidence and social skills I currently have:

  • Go out 6 times a month to large venues like TigerTiger
  • Open 8 – 12 sets a night there
  • Hook around 5 sets a night. Hooked sets last 15 – 30 minutes.
  • Number close around 2 of those sets (solid number closes, not 5 minute quickies)
  • That’s 12 numbers a month
  • Convert 2 of those numbers to day 2s
  • Fclose on one of those day2s

The only reason this isn’t happening, is because in my head I don’t believe I can start a 15 – 30 minute conversation with a girl from nothing and have it end in a successful number close. My self image is not of a person who can do this, even though really I can.  The result is that my subconscious puts on the breaks and stops me from doing it. It sabotages my concious efforts. A great example of this is me getting the overwhelming urge to eject from sets really early, even if they’ve opened really well. I know I can have good conversations with people, but my subconscious works to dry up my conversational well early in set. At the moment with game I am operating with low self image as shown in the appropriate image above.  Opening and transitioning are within the black box of what I believe is possible, so it happens for me. Staying in set for 20 minutes and closing the set is within the void outside of the black box but within the boundaries of the red box. I need to switch to the realistic self image shown in the second image in order to accomplish my goals.

This is a big break through for me. Finding the actual problem is the first step.

I hope to finish the book this weekend and put some of the techniques described in it into practise, and change my self image to that of a person who gets 2 – 3 numbers a night in clubs in the west end.

In my next post I’ll go through my new PUA strategy. This post was more an inner game post, but I’ve also had some ideas about the external side of my game which will speed up my success.

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Stats since 1st August:
1 approaches
1 number closes
1 kiss closes
1 f closes

Fun, fun, fun

Posted: February 11, 2010 in Uncategorized
Tags:

When scouring the message boards looking for wingmen or meeting new wingmen for the first time, I find I hear one thing repeated time and time again: “I’m just doing this to have fun”.

People just starting out in game always seem to go out of their way to tell you that having fun is, to them, the most important thing about learning game. I very much disagree with this attitude, and here’s why:

1. Although having and being fun may be a prerequisite to getting laid, that alone won’t get you laid regularly. Back in my AFC days (all of 4 weeks ago), I used to go out with my mates and have fun. Despite this I never got laid on a regular basis. Whether you like it or not, girls are fussy about who the sleep with, so your going to have to be more than just fun if you are to stand out from the crowd of dozens of other men that a given women knows she can fuck if she so pleases.

2. How many times have you seen a pro athlete or hugely successful business man interviewed, and they say, “I never try hard at what I do. Success just sort of happens to me”. I haven’t really heard that one often dear reader. I usually hear how focused their approach to achieving success in their chosen field was.

In many areas of life I have often seen people enter into many new endeavours. Whether it’s business, martial arts, weight training or poker, I notice the same thing happening: people who go take a laissez faire attitude have little success and end up quitting. People who take their new pursuit very seriously and pursue it with such zeal that you’d almost think their life depended on it often find great success comes their way.

3. People use the whole “just having fun” thing as a safety net to protect their ego when they fail. If they only open 10 women in a month they can tell themselves that it does not matter; they’re only doing it to have fun after all. I say fuck that. This attitude is the reserve of spineless pussies.

If you take game seriously you will set goals. If you do not meet those goals and you are taking game seriously then this will make you unhappy. People will tell you this is a bad thing. They are wrong. Unhappiness is our mind’s way of driving us to success. If we are happy with our current situation we will never be driven to change it. Allow unhappiness into your life by setting realistic goals and you will be motivated to achieve success. An example of this is my current goal to open 50 sets this month. Since I had a poor weekend of gaming last weekend (I was to busy having dun to open sets…) I have only opened 20 sets so far this month. This makes me sad. I can’t stand the thought of missing my target. This is such a great motivator that I can foresee myself being on fire this weekend. Whereas previously I have found any excuse not to open a set, I think this weekend will be different. The fact that I am letting my target slip out of my grasp will mean I will ignore all the perceived difficulties in opening a given set and just fucking go for it.

4. To have fun, you have to be doing something fun. I have met many newbie PUAs over the past months who try and talk themselves into having fun. They stand on a bar talking about how they have to get into the mood to be having fun quickly, because that’s important for their game. They essentially try to talk themselves into having fun. This rarely seems to work, and their obsession with having fun paradoxically stops them having fun.

The human brain isn’t fooled easily. The only real way to have fun is to do something fun. You know what’s a fun thing to do when your in a bar? Practising game. True opening sets can be daunting. Once you’re in set though you will be having a good time. I guarantee this. Talking to beautiful women is a fucking biologically certified way for a man to have fun. When you’re talking to a sexy lady, your animal brain realises you are increasing your chances to replication, and is kind enough to reward you with a shot of endorphins which make you happy. This means that talking to a pretty girl is almost the same in some ways as doing a line of coke, only the former won’t lead to a blocked up nose . So if you want to have fun, focus on opening sets, not talking yourself into having fun.

In summary, if you want to be successful at game you do have to take it seriousy. Stop making excuses about just wanting to have fun. Get out there and practise your game. You’ll thank me in the long run.