Posts Tagged ‘non verbals’

I’m now starting to approach much more regularly in clubs than I have done in the past. I’m starting to average 5 approaches a night, as opposed to 1-3 a night that I was doing last year. I’m sure this will soon climb to around 10 a night, which should I hope be enough to get me double figure lays this year.

So I’m putting in more effort than ever. The thing is, I’m seeing less back in the way of results. All my extra approaching is just leading to me getting blown out more often, not me getting laid.

People like to believe that the more effort they put into something, the more success they will see as a result. Although this is often true, it is not always the case. There are two reasons for this:

  1. More effort applied to doing something incorrectly will just lead to you failing more often
  2. If there’s a large element of chance involved in obtaining your desired outcome (despite what commercial PUAs tell you, pickup will always be a crapshoot, to at least some extent), you can go a long time without seeing positive results despite putting in a good amount of effort and doing things correctly. Ask any pro poker player who’s been playing for a long time and I’m sure they’ll confirm this.

So which one is it for me? Am I doing it wrong or just getting unlucky? I think it’s a combination of both things.

It’s fucking freezing in London recently, and this has had an impact on how many hot girls are in the clubs, and the male / female ration. Central London clubs seek to strictly control gender ratios. We seek to bypass this by turning up early to clubs, as bouncers often don’t let all male groups into the clubs during peak times. The result is you often get a roughly 1:1 girl:boy ratio. Since not enough people come out clubbing in such cold whether, the clubs will never be at capacity. As a result the bouncers have to let all guy groups in if they want to avoid having an almost completely empty club that night. This leads to a girl:boy ratio of about 1:2. It can be hard to find targets under these conditions as many sets already have guys swarming around them. The girls in the club get approached more often, and so the bitch shields go up. Cue the harsh blow outs. This is the ‘luck’ or external factor hampering my results.

When it comes to doing it right, I’ve noticed my non verbals have really been off lately: not smiling, poor body language, weak rapport seeking vocal tonality. I think this is mainly due to the fact I’ve been hitting on hotter girls and being more direct than in the past. These things make me nervous. When I’m nervous I find it almost impossible to control my non verbals. I know exactly how they’re going wrong, but I can’t fix them. If I’m nervous it comes across, no matter how hard I try and stop it. The self is always coming through. The good thing is that I’m aware of this and so can work on it. The bad thing is that this will go away when my confidence increases, but this is hard to do without getting any success.

The second area I’m having difficulty with is the maybe girls. Let me explain what I mean by a maybe girl:

  • No girl: You go direct, she instantly blows you out (83%)
  • Yes girl: You go direct, she’s obviously really interested and very responsive (2%)
  • Maybe girls: Doesn’t blow you out, but isn’t hugely positive towards you (either verbally or non verbally) (15%)

I’ve put approximate percentages (which are about right for me personally, but not anyone else) to show how many girls fall into each category. I’m at a point where I can get the yes girls when logistics or other external factors don’t prevent it, and I fail with the no and maybe girls.

Everyone fails with the no girls, but that’s OK. Quick maths tells me that if I fuck 1/3rd of all the yes and maybe girls then I’m fucking 1 in 20 girls I approach. Game on.

So I need to get the maybe girls (well some of them, some will be no girls who are being nice about it). At the moment I’m not pushing these sets hard enough. I’m doing the following things wrong:

  • Not escalating / not being persistent in my escalation when my first attempt is blocked.
  • Not attempting to isolate them / move them around the venue
  • Not putting effort into the conversation if escalation fails to happen / be accepted quickly

The result is I’m walking away from maybe girls rather than being blown out. This is bad. It leads to me thinking “What if…”. I need to push these sets harder.

I’m going to my favourite club tonight. Let’s see if I can fuck a maybe girl.

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I remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that I’d be standing around in a bar or on the street wracking my brains for a good opener to use on a girl I’d seen. This is a phase many guys new to pickup go through, and it’s the same for chodes. It is, of course, completely the wrong mindset.

Chodes think chat up lines get you girls. They think if you go in with a good opening line, the girl will be impressed. She’ll love your wit,  like you, and you pull. Firstly, this is erroneous thinking. The opener is just an ice breaker. It’s just basically saying hello. It’s what comes after that which defines whether or not you fuck the girl. Secondly, the need for a good opener shows weak inner game. A guy believes he has to say something witty to start a conversation with a girl, in order to get her to like him. He can’t rely on his presence alone to open a set. The thought of going in with nothing but his personality laid bare scares him, so he seeks a magic bullet in the form of a ‘guaranteed’ chat up line. Of course, if there were any chat up lines guaranteed to pull, they’d get famous, all guys would used them, and no one would ever go home alone again.

If openers don’t open sets, what does?

Presence. That’s what I call it anyway. Many within the seduction community would call it value.

What do I mean by presence? How do you generate a strong presence?

To me presence is just what you sub communicate about yourself. These sub communications come in the form of body language, eye contact, facial expression and voice tonality.

Weak presence / low value

These behaviors will lead to a low percentage of sets hooking.

  • Timid when it comes to invading the personal space of the girl/s he is opening
  • Small, submissive body language like he’s trying to hide away
  • Rapport seeking voice tonality, quietly spoken
  • Big, supplicating, ‘please like me’ smile on his face and weak eye contact

Strong presence / high value

These behaviors will lead to a high percentage of sets hooking, and will get you attraction all on their on reasonably often.

  • Not shy about invading girl’s personal space. Gets stuck in when he opens sets
  • Strong, masculine body language. He won’t hide away from the girls
  • Voice is loud and slow. Voice tonality is somewhere between neutral and breaking rapport
  • Cocky grin on his face, strong eye contact

It’s all about what these things sub communicate about the type of man you are. While I wouldn’t go as far as to say words are completely irrelevant, bad words and a strong presence will do better than good words and a weak presence. I’m still working on my non verbals, tweaking them all the time. I’ll do a post soon on what I consider to be strong non verbals, and how to go about getting them.

Don’t spend ages trying to work out what the best opener is. Just go in with good non verbals, and “Hello” will be good enough.

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Stats since 1st July:
60 approaches
8 number closes
3 kiss closes
1 f closes