Posts Tagged ‘opening’

I remember that it wasn’t all that long ago that I’d be standing around in a bar or on the street wracking my brains for a good opener to use on a girl I’d seen. This is a phase many guys new to pickup go through, and it’s the same for chodes. It is, of course, completely the wrong mindset.

Chodes think chat up lines get you girls. They think if you go in with a good opening line, the girl will be impressed. She’ll love your wit,  like you, and you pull. Firstly, this is erroneous thinking. The opener is just an ice breaker. It’s just basically saying hello. It’s what comes after that which defines whether or not you fuck the girl. Secondly, the need for a good opener shows weak inner game. A guy believes he has to say something witty to start a conversation with a girl, in order to get her to like him. He can’t rely on his presence alone to open a set. The thought of going in with nothing but his personality laid bare scares him, so he seeks a magic bullet in the form of a ‘guaranteed’ chat up line. Of course, if there were any chat up lines guaranteed to pull, they’d get famous, all guys would used them, and no one would ever go home alone again.

If openers don’t open sets, what does?

Presence. That’s what I call it anyway. Many within the seduction community would call it value.

What do I mean by presence? How do you generate a strong presence?

To me presence is just what you sub communicate about yourself. These sub communications come in the form of body language, eye contact, facial expression and voice tonality.

Weak presence / low value

These behaviors will lead to a low percentage of sets hooking.

  • Timid when it comes to invading the personal space of the girl/s he is opening
  • Small, submissive body language like he’s trying to hide away
  • Rapport seeking voice tonality, quietly spoken
  • Big, supplicating, ‘please like me’ smile on his face and weak eye contact

Strong presence / high value

These behaviors will lead to a high percentage of sets hooking, and will get you attraction all on their on reasonably often.

  • Not shy about invading girl’s personal space. Gets stuck in when he opens sets
  • Strong, masculine body language. He won’t hide away from the girls
  • Voice is loud and slow. Voice tonality is somewhere between neutral and breaking rapport
  • Cocky grin on his face, strong eye contact

It’s all about what these things sub communicate about the type of man you are. While I wouldn’t go as far as to say words are completely irrelevant, bad words and a strong presence will do better than good words and a weak presence. I’m still working on my non verbals, tweaking them all the time. I’ll do a post soon on what I consider to be strong non verbals, and how to go about getting them.

Don’t spend ages trying to work out what the best opener is. Just go in with good non verbals, and “Hello” will be good enough.

———————————————
Stats since 1st July:
60 approaches
8 number closes
3 kiss closes
1 f closes

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The idea for this post came to me in field immediately after I got instantly blown out of a set. A wing and I were in a small bar in Soho, London’s West End on a Friday night. It was still early, and there were only two sets in the entire place: one large group of 20 some-things sat on sofas at the back, and a mixed group of about 8 people in the middle in the middle of the bar who’s average age looked to be about 17 (under age drinking; don’t do it kids!).

I was leant up against the bar chatting to my wing, when two Eastern European looking girls entered. I didn’t really notice them until the stood next to me at the bar and ordered drinks. I turned my head to look at them, and opened them casually over my shoulder as body remained in place, “Hi guys”. One of them turns her head to look at me. She’s a 7, maybe an 8. “Do you know what time it gets busy in here?”. She turns her head away from me and looks forward, completely ignoring my question. I know she heard it.

Blow out. There’s a slightly uncomfortable burn in my stomach, the type of thing you get were something that is slightly socially embarrassing happens. I continue chatting to my wing. “Wow, it’s rare my opener is completely ignored like that”. My wing shrugs, “It doesn’t matter, you opened, that’s the main thing. It happens occasionally”.

I think about it for a few more seconds and feel a bit bad. Getting totally blanked can make you feel fairly low value. Then I go into analytical mode. Did I not speak loudly enough? Did I not properly make eye contact? Next time I open I will have to speak louder and make more of an effort not to be ignored. It’s then I realised that it was my approach, and not myself that just got rejected. The bad feelings are gone now (this entire thought process has only taken like 5 seconds), and I start chatting to my wing about 3D films, with some quick glances around the bar for more sets. I never realised that 3D porn, while sounding great, includes the prospect of being faced by a giant erect penis, pointing out at you from the screen. Thanks to my wing for ruining something I’ve been looking forward to for a long time.

So I got blown out. It wasn’t as bad as blow outs get, sort of just an average blow out. It lead me to think about how blow outs suck so much. When thinking about it, I had a minor epiphany.

Blow outs suck so little they barely suck at all

That’s right. If a blow out was a blow job you’d be asking the girl to put more effort in because you can barely feel the sucking. The worst you can expect from 90% of all blow outs is a few seconds worth of negative feelings. This is nothing compared to the hours I have spent feeling like a failure because I let my approach anxiety get the better of me and made far to few approaches.

This is very important to people like myself who are suffering from approach anxiety. The sense of dread you get from approach anxiety, when viewed logically is completely disproportionate to any reasonably likely negative outcome of opening a set. In other words the fear of approaching is completely illogical. It’s not like your in the trenches during the Battle of the Somme and about to go over the top. A reasonably expected outcome in that scenario is death so extreme fear is very understandable.

Approach anxiety therefore comes down to a battle, the beast vs the man. It is our reptilian brain (the beast) telling us approaching can lead to bad things happening. We must force ourselves to think logically, and let the man (the logical part of our brain telling us nothing bad will happen) win the fight.

Not approaching has negative consequences

We often think that approaching may have a bad outcome, but not approaching won’t have any outcome, negative or otherwise, since not approaching is inaction, and we are less likely to think of inaction as having any consequences. This is not true. Not approaching has worse consequences than approaching, and we feel the effects of those consequences for longer. The long term consequences of not opening are horrific: lack of sex, low self esteem, no relationships with women, possibly no family and kids. Things don’t just happen on their own. You have to make them happen. Remember this next time you’re contemplating an approach, but you think it’s better to just do nothing.

So, dear reader, I’ll leave you with a quote which I think is very relevent to the topic of approach anxiety vs getting blown out. Some cleaver bloke said it so it must be true:

The price of inaction is far greater than the cost of making a mistake

Meister Eckhart

There are many canned openers out there:

  • Asking a female opinion on what to call a 3 legged cat
  • Who’s more vain, guys or girls?
  • Is kissing cheating?

They can all be delivered in 30 seconds or less and are very easy to learn.  So the budding PUA learns around 3 of these, and eagerly ventures into the field to test them out. If his body language, facial expressions and voice tonality are all correct, and on top of this he uses false time constraints he should get a good reaction from the set over 50% of the time (I get good reactions maybe 25% of the time… I need to work on my “I’m just about to walk off body language”, smile, and on speaking louder. Having to repeat an opener kills it).

So you open, giving it your best smile, making lots of eye contact, all the while looking like you’re just asking the question before walking off to rejoin you’re friends, and the set is all smiles and listens to what you are saying. If you use an opinion opener, like those listed above, then this may generate one minute of discussion from the set. So the question is: then what?

This has been my biggest problem recently. At first I just needed to overcome approach anxiety, so I’d open a lot of sets, but then eject after the opener. This meant that I never knew what to do after opening. This sounds a bit lame, as in, “This dude doesn’t even know how to have a conversation!”. This is not quite fair. While I wouldn’t say I’m fully socially adept yet, neither am I socially inept. The truth is that the conversation that follows after opening a set of girls isn’t like most other conversations you’ll have in day to day life. The reasons are as follows:

  • If the conversation doesn’t flow easily, the girls will quickly start to wish you’d leave them alone
  • You will be speaking to people who you don’t know anything about, in contrast to the people you speak to in day to day life who you’ll usually have something in common with
  • The 90/10 rule:   you’ll usually have to put 90% of the effort into keeping the conversation going in the early stages of a set

All these points make conversation after opening a set harder than it would be in most other circumstances.

After opening you need to start building attraction. This means flipping enough of the little attraction switches in her girl brain until a big light goes on in there, and boom she wants you. I believe this is quite a difficult skill. If it wasn’t, then many more people would get laid much more often just by cold approaching and chatting for a bit. So here I have a dilema. I need to go deeper into sets, in other words, have sets which last longer. In order to do this I should be saying things to the girl which will build her attraction for me. Thing is this will take a long time to master, and at the moment this leaves me nothing to say after opening.

I have found the solution to be to ignore building attraction for now. It’s unlikely that I’m going to get many women into bed at such an early stage in my PUA ‘career’ anyway. So for now I will just go deeper into set by just ‘fluffing’ with the girl. ‘Fluffing’ is basically making small talk with a woman. It is far easier than building attraction, and doing this will allow me to get comfortable with going deeper into sets, and will help me get rid of that feeling of, “I bet she just wants me to fuck off” that often builds as I talk to girls for longer and longer.

When making small talk after opening, I’ll often pick up on something the girl said and run with that. This can sometimes be hard, so for each of my set openers I have a list of a few possible follow ups. These are all written down on my iPhone for easy reference. As an example, I’ll show you what I have written for the 3 legged cat opener:

Hi girls, I’ve got to find my friends, but can I just quickly get a female opinion on something first? My cousin’s an animal lover and she recently got a cat that was born with only 3 legs. My friends and I were talking about this and coming up with possible names for a 3 legged cat. If you had a 3 legged cat, what would you call it?

After the opener, I have the following reminders which could be used to create new conversational threads. On my phone I just have quick bullet points to remind me (I will typically read through these while on the tube on my way to a bar), but here I have also included an explanation for each point:

  • Hop along, tripod: These are the names I will say that my friends suggested for the cat
  • Are women kinder than men?: The names proposed by my male friends were kind of cruel, wanted to see if women were kinder can came up with nicer names
  • Would you ever have a 3 legged cat? If they say no, you can get them to qualify themselves by telling them that they are superficial
  • Any unusual pets?: Ask them if they’ve ever had any unusual pets. This could lead to an easy transition to getting them to talk about their childhood, and this is a springboard to more advanced techniques used to build attraction, like eliciting values
  • My goldfish when I was young: funny little story about my goldfish dying, floating to the top of the tank and me trying to convince my dad that it was like that because it was just sleeping. Again able to transition to talking about childhood
  • Wanted a Vietnamese pot bellied pig: I really wanted one of these when I was young, but my dad wouldn’t let me get one. This can be used to transition into asking her what she has wanted but never been able to get, again eliciting values.

In addition to this, I am also starting to work on a DHV (protector of loved ones) story about how I nearly died in order to let my little sister stroke. Sound’s crazy, but this one’s actually true. I’ve told it before, but without emphasis on the aspects which make it a DHV. It’s also quite funny, but with a hint of peril and fear, so it should be a good one to rouse emotions in my target.

Don’t get me wrong, not everything has to be scripted. If something interesting comes up when speaking to the set, feel free to take that ball and run with it. That said, if you’re like me and often struggle to keep a set alive after opening, do what I did. Note down a few possible conversational threads which seem natural to transition to. An important point to note is that these should not all be questions for them to answer. You must have stories or anacdotes of your own (real or imagined) which you can use to bring accross your personality to them. This also prevents the situation from feeling like they are sat in a job interview. I haven’t heard of many women who find being interviewed for a job sexy.