Posts Tagged ‘sticking points’

One thing I’ve noticed recently is that many of my sets just fizzle out. I’m talking to a girl, the conversation dies, and she leaves.

In his book, ‘Bang’, RooshV says that a silence of 10 or more seconds within the first 30 minutes will kill a set. I would agree with this, but also add that a 5 second silence can often be enough within the first 10 minutes.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may have noticed a theme. When I identify a recurring problem, I always analyze the causes of the problem, and then look at possible solutions. So here I go.

I see three reasons for the problem:

1. My lack of conversational skills. These have come on a long way recently, but I’m inconsistent. Post on this coming soon.

2. My inner introvert kicks in. This does not mean I get shy. It means I sometimes do not like speaking to people. This is not a lack of confidence, it’s more like I just get bored, even speaking with hot women.

3. Trying to play it too cool. I don’t want to come across as eager or seen to be fighting to keep the conversation alive. However, I think it’s worth risking these things for the sake of keeping the conversation going. If the girl walks off I have no chance. Keeping her there, even if I appear eager as a result may not be the best game, but you don’t need perfect game to get laid.

I need to drop the ego, ignore my inner introvert and just keep the conversation going. Burn every set to the ground.

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Stats since 1st July:
60 approaches
8 number closes
3 kiss closes
1 f closes

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I had a huge revelation literally 5 minutes ago. The only thing stopping me being a successful PUA right now is the fact I don’t believe I can be.

Allow me to explain. I’ve just started reading Psycho-Cybernetics. Despite the odd sounding title, the book is just a self help book. In fact, it is the granddaddy of all self help books. First published in the 1960’s this book was the first ever work to present the idea of ‘self-image’. I’m sure you’re all heard of self image, it is simply the way we perceive ourselves. The book’s author used to be a plastic surgeon, and noticed that operations he conducted to correct minor facial deformities often lead to the patient’s personality changing almost instantly. He saw people lacking confidence becoming social rock stars almost immediately after surgery.

This lead him to believe that how we perceive ourselves (our self image) directly effects how we act, and therefore has a huge impact on what we can achieve. He looked around for research by other people that would back up this claim, and he found it in droves. He found pupils who were failing maths classes that became straight A students with no extra study, all that changed was a teacher convincing them that they were capable at maths. In fact, some of the research he read was so astounding that it seemed that people were sometimes able to overcome what seemed to be genetic limitations on their aptitude for certain tasks, just by changing their self image and their belief in what they were capable of doing.

The author does acknowledge that people do have genetic limitations imposed upon them, but reasons that most people never come close to touching these limits because they are held back by poor self image. The images below illustrate this point.

low self image

A person with low self image doesn't touch the limits of his potential

Realistic self image

A person with realistic self image is able to fulfill his full potential

The author argues that if you see your self in a certain way, your subconscious will work very hard to make that image you have of yourself a reality. This means your subconscious has the ability to either cause you to fail or cause you to succeed in a given endeavour. It all comes down to whether or not you see yourself as being capable of succeeding. Believing you can achieve something doesn’t make it possible on its own, but believing you can’t achieve something almost certainly makes it impossible.

So what has this got to do with my bar game? Simple. Here’s how bar game should be going for me with the level of game / confidence and social skills I currently have:

  • Go out 6 times a month to large venues like TigerTiger
  • Open 8 – 12 sets a night there
  • Hook around 5 sets a night. Hooked sets last 15 – 30 minutes.
  • Number close around 2 of those sets (solid number closes, not 5 minute quickies)
  • That’s 12 numbers a month
  • Convert 2 of those numbers to day 2s
  • Fclose on one of those day2s

The only reason this isn’t happening, is because in my head I don’t believe I can start a 15 – 30 minute conversation with a girl from nothing and have it end in a successful number close. My self image is not of a person who can do this, even though really I can.  The result is that my subconscious puts on the breaks and stops me from doing it. It sabotages my concious efforts. A great example of this is me getting the overwhelming urge to eject from sets really early, even if they’ve opened really well. I know I can have good conversations with people, but my subconscious works to dry up my conversational well early in set. At the moment with game I am operating with low self image as shown in the appropriate image above.  Opening and transitioning are within the black box of what I believe is possible, so it happens for me. Staying in set for 20 minutes and closing the set is within the void outside of the black box but within the boundaries of the red box. I need to switch to the realistic self image shown in the second image in order to accomplish my goals.

This is a big break through for me. Finding the actual problem is the first step.

I hope to finish the book this weekend and put some of the techniques described in it into practise, and change my self image to that of a person who gets 2 – 3 numbers a night in clubs in the west end.

In my next post I’ll go through my new PUA strategy. This post was more an inner game post, but I’ve also had some ideas about the external side of my game which will speed up my success.

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Stats since 1st August:
1 approaches
1 number closes
1 kiss closes
1 f closes

Although I do still have some bargame approach anxiety, I think I can approach much more consistently now. My biggest problem at the moment is feeling uncomfortable in set.

When in set my default frame is that I am hassling the girls and they want me to leave. Strangely, this is true even if the girls seem quite happy that I’m there chatting to them. The effect of this is that I feel uncomfortable talking to them. This manifests itself outwardly as nervous laughter and fidgety body language. The girls pick up on this vide, and it can easily make them feel uncomfortable too.

How to fix this? I’m really not sure. I obviously have to change my frame from, “They don’t want to talk to me, they want me to go away” to, “They are enjoying my company” or even better, “I just don’t care”. The latter frame is probably the best. Indifference wins when it comes to pickup.

Reframing each interaction like this is going to be so important to my success, but is easier said than done. It’s something I will have to give more thought to now I have identified this problem.